... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

but, what I ment is, that now they had the argument and its out in the open, maybe the man will step up and maybe in a weeks time they will happily solve financials together, know what I mean?

Dear god, pandora, your level of hand-wringing and apologising makes you prime candidate for Handmaid of the Year.

He knows damn well what he's doing. He's well into adulthood. He should have stepped up for the get go.

That last text he sent is really below the belt, far and away from just something hurtful said in an argument .

But hey, now he's single, maybe the OP could hook you up with him, you sound well suited to a total dickhead of a boyfriend.

@dontalltalkatonce

Oh don't worry. Lesson truly learned for me! Hence it being easier with my now DP. Easy, no fuss, we know where we stand.

I guess OP will learn from this experience too.

The OP has also already made it clear she's ditched him, but hey, Passive, go and do a bit of grovelling, he's so worth it .

I reckon your son's behaviour will vastly improve, btw, kids pick up on knowing when they're not wanted, especially when Mum tells them to go to another room to eat their breakfast so she can talk to her loser boyfriend.

Well said @dontalltalkatonce

Panderer might be more like it

@dontalltalkatonce

put down that glass, now! :) :)
and listen

if he steps up - the OP can decide if she gives him a second chance if there is a potential
if he doesnt step up - the stay broken up

the end

Um, pandora, head over to SpecSavers, she has ditched the bloke. The end.

Pandora is his mum, she doesn't want him back

@ thigh.

His mum doesn't want him back cos she has a new cocklodger.

You are not being rude to ask for money fo not feel guilty about it and don't over think it but £200 would that even cover the food?

Maybe she could start her own books series: How to Train Your Cocklodger, Handmaids for Dummies, How to Attract Spongers, Budgeting to House Your Parasitic Partner. The possibilities are endless!

His mum's new cocklodger thinks baby mawine is badly behaved and threatened to smack his widdle bum.

Oh guys this was a lovely read over an afternoon cuppa.

You’ve all been so generous with your time.

To address a couple of points - I work really flipping hard and don’t get a chance to go on holiday because I don’t have any childcare options for more than a couple of mights, so rare nights in fancy hotels are my holidays. I love doing things like that and make sacrifices to do so.
However, this raised a point he made earlier “I really hadn’t realised I was such a financial burden.
I must say it is baffling from someone who is willing to spend so much on stuff they don’t need to be going absolutely mental, this quickly”

He’s referring there to my clothes/handbags/shoes which he makes a big fuss about. This has been on my mind all day.

Why am I being questioned on what I choose to spend any disposable money on, when the choice I’m currently facing is buying myself a handbag or paying for my boyfriend’s share of rent when he has a flipping full time job? I have my money, he has his. I haven’t said I can’t afford to pay his share, I’m saying it doesn’t seem fair or balanced. If he was out of work or in trouble of course I would support him, but I wouldn’t dare question where his money goes. It isn’t my business unless I’m subsidising it!

Second point I had to pick up on, to the PP who asked about the army/navy. In fact the royal marines are an entirely different sector altogether, according to him the most elite of the forces

Thirdly, those who suggested he may calm down and begin to backtrack, that’s exactly what he’s doing. I expect he will turn up tonight.

The issue has moved far beyond a matter of contributing towards the household now. I want to share my life and I don’t want this sort of drama every time we cross a very natural bridge in the relationship.

@Passive1 I repeat, send a simple final message and then stop replying to this guy. Otherwise you'll spend days wasting your time getting stressed/angry/upset with him over what he is saying in messages.

I've been through a break up before and had the same. I honestly think it is best to go cold turkey other than arranging him to pick up stuff.

:) :)
the agressive LTB brigade is in full force, good for you, girls :)

never in the history ever happened that people started again after ditching each other in affect

thats why I am saying after calming down, remedies MAY happen

IF the OP still loves him, IF he takes her words seriously and step up, IF he loves her enough to change, IF...

And if he doesnt step up, then its a valuable experience for the OP
but it seems he is willing to give her the money
he should have contributed before, its clear, but we will see if the OP´s words and actions will change something

'Marine marine in a boat, just to prove cock lodgers float'

😂

Has he ever lived alone (not in barracks?) when I met my now dh he was pretty clueless about what it cost to run a household because he still lived at home. He was similar in that he kept saying he needed to contribute but never said I will give you (insert amount) and I was a bit embarrassed to 'name my price'! Instead I wrote down how much everything cost and showed him. He seemed to be quite relieved to have a figure-I don't think he had a clue!

FYI guys, I’m not replying to these messages. He just asked what I want, ultimately.

He's a boyfriend of one year, no kids together, no commitments, who's already proving a manchild and tight and doesn't like her child. But, hey, try to work it out, of course, he's such a keeper .

Be really really careful of the backtracking, remember the nasty remark about your parenting.

You at least need a big chunk of space from him. If you really think he's worth a second chance go back to dating once a week or so.

I wouldn't reply

There's little to say really

The issue has moved far beyond a matter of contributing towards the household now. I want to share my life and I don’t want this sort of drama every time we cross a very natural bridge in the relationship.

It's rare that the wisest words on the thread are spoken by the OP, but you have!

@WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup

No he hasn’t. Since this argument has started he is now saying “I guess I don’t know how much hot water costs, utilities etc”

He has no idea. When he was in the marines he paid next to nothing, and when he was on operations I think he paid zilch (though I might be wrong there). At his mum’s he pays a little rent. He and his adult sister still live at home there.

you want a Man that treats your child with kindness love and warmth... not a DICK that thinks he's a spoiled over indulged brat

He's probably an ex-milkman really. A really really really elite one.