... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

So you don't believe that people can actually mean it when they break off with someone, pandora, they just need to 'calm down'? And get over someone who's attacked a person's parenting and sees her child as a burden?

No wonder there are so many people putting up with twats for boyfriends/girlfriends. Some people have their bar set so low a flea could limbo under it and would rather have a cocklodger dickhead around their kid because at least they have A Man in their lives.

Sad.

I feel very sorry for this man but it sounds like he would be better finding a girl friend without a child.

This gradually spending more time at the home of one or other of a couple is always quite difficult - when does it become she or he has moved in thing or just came back after the Friday night dinner out etc.

Oh yeah, poor guy.

Sorry it all escalated so quickly OP.
But you know what to do now.
Work out a rough figure.
Tell him what it is.
Pack up his shit and take the money as you hand over his stuff.

Well sorry sonny Jim, The Freeloaders Arms has closed. Back you fuck to mummy, there's a good lad
And this ^ is perfect!!!!

@Xenia, he's moved well beyond the point of gradually spending more time at OP's home - over the last two months he has virtually moved in. It's not a case of whether he should move it to the next level, he has already done so. If he wasn't sure about step parenting, he should have thought about that two months ago.

You feel sorry for a grown man who's happy to sponge off his girlfriend and lives with his mother?

I would suggest that you stop contact for now. Just say you both need to cool off and have some time to think.

Have read the whole thread.

Well done for kicking this guy out, you and ds will be happier after the adjustment.
Sorry this was happening. Better to find out now.
Fwiw I wouldn't ask for money just fuck him off

I agree with some pp that the military life he has led has made him I'll equipped for the realities of everyday life. Probably also ill equipped for tolerating children who don't do what they're told.
Hopefully what has happened here will open his eyes a little so he'll behave better with the next gf.

Op, he does get it. Of course he does. Simply he was having his cake and eating it. He doesn't need his own place. He basically stays with you most of the time and occasionally with his mother. By saying ha not moved in, even though he was ther daily, he thinks it absolves him of having to pay.

His responses scream he gets it. That's why he's trying to justify it with the ludicrous well I take you out or let me pay twenty quid towards sky, he was letting you feed and house him so he didn't have to put his finger in his pocket.

But to then say he didn't want to live with you due to your poor parenting is seriously low. He has been living with you. He just wants it for free.

Bloody hell. There's mostly helpful and supportive advice on here but there are a number of posters who seem to think that this guy is just a bit naive or hapless or think that being in the army is an excuse.

He's a totally entitled CF manbaby who @Passive1 has completely correctly kicked to the kerb.

It drives me insane when women enabled these useless wastrels. Having a penis isn't an excuse for sponging off your partner.

Sorry, rant over.

He's being a right royal cocklodging twat.

At least you found out relatively early!

I had this problem. I was living independently in my 4-bed mortgaged house alone when I met my (now ex) BF, I earned £25k, had a £130k mortgage, many outgoings and had no savings.

My BF was on £60k a year, had a tiny 2-bed house with an equally tiny £25k mortgage left on it and gradually started to spend more and more time at mine, which I obviously loved as we lived 15 miles apart.

Eventually, he was living with me, despite never having had that conversation, but it happened naturally and I was in the throes of new love. I liked having him there.

He was able to work remotely in his job and sometimes was working from home 2-3 days a week.

It was then I began to notice that my gas, electric and broadband consumption was increasing and so were my bills. He never once offered to pay me anything and we still went halves on meals and shopping.

I eventually broached it, it was awkward as nobody likes talking money, but I felt like I was paying to have a boyfriend!

He got funny with me and said that he had his mortgage to pay still! I said in that case, we should work together to get his house ready to be rented to free up some cash. Also, his mortgage was something silly like £250 a month, mine was £700 and he earned more than double I did and had at least £2k disposable income each month.

He eventually relented and ended up paying me £400 a month (still a piss in the wind really), I asked him to set up a standing order as he'd 'forget' to pay me each month, he never did set one up and he knew how I hated going to him with a begging bowl asking for rent.

You used to see his face literally screw up and tense when he handed me the rent each time, he really resented paying it and needless to say, we didn't last.

It wasn't the rent issue that broke us, but he was quite a selfish person and lied too, I think the rent issue was a warning of his behaviour in hindsight.

I wish you luck OP.

PS: Been with my now DP 4 years, he moved in 2 years ago, I asked him to officially move in as he was spending more and more time here. I now earn £46k and my DP is in a relatively new career and on £20k, I'm in the same house still and my DP pays me £400, we agreed this together as now earning more so his money is a bonus and I think it's nice that the partner with more money picks up the slack financially. Plus he's got more money each month (his rent on his 1-bed apartment was £700 pm) and it means we can have nice holidays and meals. He also pays me by standing order, no fuss and signed a legal document to state he has no claim on my property should we ever split.

Absolutely not - this Saturday night I have paid for the patio room at the Mondrian (for those unfamiliar, approx £500 per night)

Am I the only one wondering why you (both of you) are spending so much of your income on unreasonably expensive restaurants?

Why on earth are you paying £500 for a night out if you are struggling with your bills?

Why are you comfortable with being taken to Quaglinos and Gouchos? That is £100s. One of them, once, sure - but I would be uncomfortable if my new BF was spending that much on me?

This makes no sense at all.

I don't think I would fret too much half the time men just don't think, say it how it is. Ask him to chip in, if he doesn't like it he's not the one for u

Yes, there's a dear, you just need to 'cool down' or 'calm down' and you'll be able to make it up to your cocklodger

It's amazing how many adults can leave their parent's homes and somehow figure out how to adult ALL ON THEIR OWN! Without any training at all whatsoever.

@Bigonesmallone3 you must have money to burn then

@haffiana you are missing the point. Have you rtft? OP is not struggling to pay her bills, she clearly has enough disposable income to enjoy a few treats (so does he it would seem) So what it’s her money that she has worked hard for. The point is the b/f wants to enjoy the perks of living with his —second mummy— g/f with zero of the responsibility that comes with it, like utilities,food etc. Why should she pay for the water and electricity he uses, her food he eats, her roof over his head?

I know this is missing the point People keep saying he was in the Army, wasn't he a marine? aren't they the Royal Navy?

@Haffiana I agree. I don't live in London and I know the prices there are silly, but my partner and me have a couple of meals out a month and never spend more than £40 on it all in. We don't have lavish trips away or nights in hotels either. We're comfortable, able to pay our rent and bills and indulge our individual hobbies and wants. But £500 for one night in a hotel is absolutely insane! I'd be putting that money straight in my savings!

This thread is not about how the OP chooses to spend her money. That is none of our bloody business and coming on this thread purely to assert your moral superiority because you wouldn't spend your money in that way is spectacularly missing the point.

But I expect you know that really.

@haffiana OP can spend her money however she wishes. Just because you would not choose to spend your earnings on nice meals out and hotel stays does not mean OP shouldn't.
Her OP needs to contribute to basic household bills, right now he is just sponging off her. She is better off without him for sure.

@dontalltalkatonce

calm down :)

but, what I ment is, that now they had the argument and its out in the open, maybe the man will step up and maybe in a weeks time they will happily solve financials together, know what I mean?

after he calmes down (because he evidently felt unfairly attacked so attacked back like an idiot) maybe he will think of the reality and will remedy his ways...

or maybe not
only the OP can say, if he is worth to give him a second chance

you know, second chances? after an argument? if the other party is willing to work it out? like normal adults do, if they have problems?

lots of people say hurtful things during arguments

the OP should have sent him to the shop himself, or say: I buy food one week, you the other, who uses the car, pays for the gas, etc.
no hinting, but clearly stating

@fearfultrill how did u work that one out??

I eventually broached it, it was awkward as nobody likes talking money, but I felt like I was paying to have a boyfriend!

People really need to get over feeling 'awkward' about talking about money if they want to get by well in life. It's also astonishing that his not paying his fair share wasn't actually what broke you up.

Totally re-iterating what dido wrote that if you're not able to discuss money, sex, religion and values with someone before they start spending more and and more time at yours then you're not ready for a serious relationship.

It's a good idea to read 'Prince Charming Isn't Coming: How Women Get Smart About Money' and similar.