... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Pandora very hard to find a decent person it may be, but he isn't a decent person.

I would set the household costs and his share in a text tbh otherwise the next poor mug will have the same old shit from him. He clearly has no clue how much stuff costs so bloody tell him swiftly followed by a fuck off!

I would too, I would have to lay out his immaturity and fuckwittage in black and white. Household costs + eating out - because OP says that she paid for those too.

The words freeloading cocklodger would also have to be mentioned.

And then a big fuck off.

FFS, you train dogs, not adults. And he's not a decent person. They're not 'hard to find nowadays'.

Cancel Mondrian and use the cash to take your son someplace.

Major Red Flags for me!

Sorry to be harsh but he has moved back in with his mum, and
now he's moved in with his other mum (you) the rest of the time.

He hasn't asked permission, he has shown up, been testing the water to see how much of a doormat you are AND he's got you feeling bad/worried about how to bring this up with him.

When you have bought it up that he should be contributing, he has said I agree and offered nothing else.

Do yourself a favour and let that man baby go.

If you want to SHARE your life with someone, then they must prove that they are willing to contribute within the partnership. Don't let his looks, the sex and the laughs fool you.

You don't need another mouth to feed and another backside to wipe.
x

So sorry that you are going through this. Fundamentally you've called his bluff. He doesn't want to move in. He doesn't want the responsibility.

A way up the thread someone suggested:-

“I don’t think this is going to be resolved so let’s not argue. We clearly don’t agree on the basics. It’s been fun, and well part on good terms and say no more. “

It's up to you but I would write off what he owes you as in the grand scheme of thing if it's the £100 you'd being get back I'm not sure it's worth all the hassle you are getting. You are saving £500 this weekend.

He things the meals out & bits and pieces of shopping were enough. We all don't now but it would only be relevant really after you agreed he moved in. You offered him 3 choices - none were acceptable to him.

I'm so sorry but it's time for tissues and to ring a mate and ask them to pick up wine and chocolates whilst you order a take away. Spend the evening berating him. Then try and move on. You really can do better than someone who throws your parenting style at you during a conversation about money. Fair enough if he had concerns about moving in and wanted to talk about how that works with it being a 3 but he doesn't want that. You will eventually find someone who does.

Sending big hugs and know that you were not being unreasonable. You have made a teeny mistake by letting someone move in by stealth that's all. There is someone better out there.

@Janus
That’s exactly what I’m struggling so much with. How can he NOT GET IT? This is so so so basic.

Uh. It’s all irrelevant now.

OP did you write the cocklodger article that Digggers shared? I jest, but seriously it could have been written by or for you! It is uncanny how well he fits the definition of a cocklodger!

Have you been in abusive relationships before OP (apologies if you have already mentioned that you have, I have read the whole thread but have a memory like a sieve!)? I ask as you have a vulnerability that your now ex obviously picked up upon! Have you ever considered looking into the freedom program? If not, I would have a look now and take a step back from dating until you have built up some strong boundaries.

Well done on standing up to this gaslighting bully! You and your ds deserve so much better!

The sad thing is, from what someone said upthread about the forces always paying all his bills, its possible he really DOES think that his nights out are about even to what you pay because he simply has no idea of the real costs of living. His talk of "being a team" suggests to me that what he was really waiting for was for you to provide him his next duty assignment of "here's your share, please arrange it to be paid by the x of every month".

Unfortunately by going on the attack like he has and being all indignant and defensive and offended, he has scuppered any chance of this resolving down to a simple situation of "paying his share" like it could have.

How can he NOT GET IT

Because he’s basically still a teenager with no experience of the outside world beyond the army. Civvie street for many ex-military personnel can be hard because they’re institutionalised.

He’s also a selfish entitled prick.

Put the two together and it’s much easier for him to play dumb and keep his ego intact than face the fact that he’s a twat.

He doesn't get it because you were on different pages. You thought (quite rightly) that he'd moved in and you were sharing a life. He apparently thought he was staying over a bit and he lives with his mum.

OP, I’m married to an ex military man, he always tells me they respond well to orders haha. Yes, it’s annoying at times but you need to be straight with him and tell him how much you want and when you want it, he’s just oblivious because he’s always been looked after.

To all the other posters saying he needs to stand on his own two feet, that’s true to an extent but there are other ways to get him to realise that - kicking him out is a bit drastic.

To be honest... I would set out exactly how much extra it has cost you having him there (council tax, food etc). Then set out an amount he should've been paying to share the rest of the bills. Total it up and say...

"this is what you should've been paying. I have approached you many times with this and got nowhere. I have shared meals out, I am not a freeloader, (Mondrian, wherever). I am walking away now with no contribution from you, keep your money. I refuse to try any more to make you see how unreasonable you have been. Goodbye"

The sad thing is, from what someone said upthread about the forces always paying all his bills, its possible he really DOES think that his nights out are about even to what you pay because he simply has no idea of the real costs of living

I agree. From what he’s said I think he genuinely hasn’t got a fucking clue as well as being a selfish dick.

He’s got a lot of growing up to do.

God sorry ignore my post, just realised there are 27 pages of this, clearly I need to RTfT! Sorry!

I should say though there are plenty of ex military blokes who wouldn’t dream of going back to live off their mum and cocklodge at their gfs.

He’s definitely a special degree of prick.

Has he only ever lived at home or in Army accommodation? If so it’s entiely possible he isn’t being selfish or stingy, but that he just simply doesn’t think. I’ve met men who are lovely and kind that have always lived in Army accommodating and have no idea of the cost of living or even how to pay a bill as they’ve never had to and always had all their costs deducted from their salary before they receive it.

You’ve raised it with him and he’s agreed. He hasn’t offered an amount but perhaps he’s just waiting for you to work out the finances and give him a figure?

Oh crap. I didn’t RTFT! Sorry!

Pandora, in the examples given by others, their army OHs stepped up when their partners explained they were taking the piss.

Op's ex however has behaved terribly since OP asked him to make a contribution.

I would say it's more him trying to gasslight you to make out your the one in the wrong

Rather than him not getting it..

Oh dear. I got back to this thread and it's all kicked off.

FWIW people who criticize people's parenting to score points should understand that they pushed the big red rage button and stand well back.

I suggest you do what so many have suggested; bag up his shit, block his number, hug your son.

Antigon,
I think he waited to hear some sum maybe?
and he asked for a sum repeatedly in his texts
and he still didnt get any amount
he should have counted the amount himself, but he is just clueless

so maybe he will step up after this incident
its a good thing tho they have broken up, but I dont think thats the last of it
he really sounds offended and totally clueless

its only today the OP has said it plainly (and still no amounts were mentioned), she was resentful (and rightly so!!!) he was offended
so we dont know if he will step up yet
after calming down it can be different, now that he get it explained plainly its what I am saying

Pandora, I think you're being too generous to him. He could just ask how much shall I give you.

Also look at OP's example from page 1:

He isn’t at all able to see it from my point of view - yesterday he wanted to watch the boxing and said “I’ll pay the £20 when your bill comes”, which just summed up the fact that he only sees his responsibility as any extra costs which benefit him solely.

He wanted to watch the boxing and told OP he'll pay her the £20 when her bill comes.

Why not just give her the £20 there and then? Because he's hoping OP will forget about the £20 (most people don't even receive a bill trough the post anymore, it's all on the Sky website).

He's a cheeky fucker alright.

Not blaming you op, cos I think he's been a dick, but I don't think you were clear at the start. His mum was sp so maybe he has no role model.
You should have pulled him up immediately, said what you want in relationship and asked him. Then if you both wanted him to move in sort out the practical. Still possible for problems but retrospective criticism is passive aggressive and bound to put his back up.
This has only been going on for a day, possible he will think and calm down. What will you do if he comes back more reasonable?
It is hard taking on someone's child, some people do it naturally, but he should not have moved in if he felt like that.
Do what is best for you and dc. Be more assertive in future.

OP, I'm so sorry you're upset.

I would sit down with a pen and paper and work out, as exactly as possible, what he owes you: loans, food, showers, laundry, boxing, petrol etc.

Then bill him. (I believe you can do it through Paypal.)