... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Good on you Passive1. Absolutely the right thing to do, not engaging with his pathetic, manipulative and inaccurate tit for tat. Make sure you get the key back or just change your lock for peace of mind (which is what I’d do).

@Dungeondragon15 to make him see that him paying for dinner out once in a while is NOT the same as living off OP like a leech!!!

By the way, I don’t think a 50/50 split is fair though, as you also have your son living there. So tell him you want 700£ because you’re factoring in your son utilising space etc and then tell him, in whichever way best, to go and fuck himself 😌

vienetta i agree, just was giving him one final chance. Been here since the start, honest

If this is real then I also read it with growing horror. He was living with you and not contributing, and yet when asked said he didn't want to live with you because you were a shit parent and he would struggle to adjust.

He liked it the way it was. He could stay with you as he pleased, live rent and expense free and keep his earnings to himself.

Just stop all the shit and text him back it's over. And block him. There is no coming back from this.

I think you should send him this link

« I raised an important issue issue calmly last week, with intention of sorting it out and going forward stronger together. In return you’ve ignored me, belittled me, insulted me, insulted my son, my parenting , been aggressive in your tone and continually attempted to justify an untenable position. You have shown me who you are and I do not like what I see, so our relationship is over.Here’s a couple of links that might help you with self awareness and going forward in life. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/rinsebeforeuse.com/2017/04/20/the-cock-lodger/amp/ www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/paying-your-own-way «

He thinks that because you have a kid you are easy pickings and desperate.

His cheap shot about your parenting is GROUNDS ENOUGH to give him the heave-ho. How DARE he?!

the You seem to forget so easily but perhaps the men in your life previously were quick to spoil you is a cheap shot based at your morality and inferring that you have a 'past'

I say again - how FUCKING DARE HE?!

The ONLY response to 'we need to talk about rent and bills' is "Absolutely, how much do you need me to pay?'

I read your OP and thought He needs to move out

he needs to go today. Your son will be happier without this arsehole in his home. This was a lucky escape though - thank god you saw him for who he is before anything really stupid happened like getting PG with this clown.

OP took a while to hear what we were saying about her "wonderful man" even though we are on her side; I doubt showing her hopefully ex partner a MN thread will do much to enlighten him.

What a twat
imagine his face it you refused to feed him any meals/lend car/use shower etc etc with the reasoning that sure didn't I bring you out last weekend mate!
And if he asked for loan of £80 you replied with nah I bought you drinks on Saturday!!

That's horrible text to receive, OP. However, if I may translate for you, what he's actually saying is "I'm a selfish fucker and expect to come first in the relationship. Now it's become apparent that you want me to behave like a reasonable grown up, I'm going to throw a tantrum and blame it on a small child."

^^

This

send him this thread!
send him this link

As usual, people leap in and get carried away with threads, treating them like an episode of Eastenders. I’m sure you aren’t going to, but don’t send the links, keep doing as you have done and just disengage from him and his increasing aggression.

Well, that's £500 you've saved right there, OP, once you've cancelled that extortionate hotel. I have to say that's really shocked me, even during our "pop star years", when we had money to burn, we'd never have spent that amount on a hotel room.

So many responses on this thread and probably unanimous.

I am so sorry for you OP. He's awful. Time to quit this one. He's a leech.

It will be hard but pack his stuff and tell him the relationship is over. He won't pay his own way, wants you to pay for him and also to belittle you in to the bargain.

How long would this have continued if you hadn't raised it?

Have my first LTB. You deserve better than this (and so does your son).

He pays half of all bills. Big girl pants on and have a proper talk. Tell him what you want

It doesn’t matter how much money he spent on meals out and other superfluous things. Those are just fluff. He didn’t ever open his wallet to pay for a full shop or reimburse you the money you lent him. He didn’t want a partner. He wanted a new mummy and he’s jealous of your little boy. You are soooo much better off without this idiot.

I’m all for a good text argument, but you won’t get anywhere with him. You can’t reason with stupid I’m afraid .

Block him and move on

he sounds like he has no idea about parenting or finances

Take care of yourself OP. I hate to see the demise of relationships happen in real time on MN but it appears to be quite common. At the end of the day your relationship is over and I'm sure you will be a little heartbroken. Take it easy.

This is so horrible. I'm sure there will come a point you realise you have dodged a bullet getting too entwined domestically with this guy and your DS and you are better off without him. For now, I'm sure it just feels rubbish. Be gentle with yourself and take it easy OP. Time to disengage and move away from arguing. The fact is, you can't argue with stupid.

Passive1 He’s not worthy to lick your shoes. And I mean it, you’ve got it together and he fancied a (free) slice of that.

Those texts though...you can tell he’s really panicking now isn’t he?
#did-the-fuck-dums

This is non salavable op best to know now than further down the line

Anyway, OP, it would boil my piss to see him living in my heated house, shoving my food into his fat ungrateful mouth, using my hot water.

I suppose you could insist he use your boiling piss instead Antigon.

*@Dungeondragon15 to make him see that him paying for dinner out once in a while is NOT the same as living off OP like a leech!!!

That would make sense if she actually worked out the extra cost of having him there but just sending a random number plucked out of thin air is pretty pointless. He won't "see" anything.

OMG I have rarely felt more irritated and annoyed with an OP's hopeless other half than this one.

He is the biggest CF eva!

He was perfectly happy with all the arrangements and your parenting until you asked him to pay. Then all of a sudden he's not so happy.

Well sorry sonny Jim, The Freeloaders Arms has closed. Back you fuck to mummy, there's a good lad.

Havnt read all op but if he's been in forces it takes a while to transtition. If he's lived in forces accomadation all his bills would be paid directly from his wage before he gets it. He may not realise the cost or even occured to him how much it costs. My dp was used to the military controlling very aspect of his life and struggled to actually use his own initiative. I found.i had to be super blunt, tell home exactly what I wanted etc. He found it a relief as in his own words he wasn't used to living in the real world.