... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

You can hear him and his mates talking about their plans for when they get out. He's the one saying, "I'll find myself a single mum, they're sooooo grateful...."

Yep, and I doubt he was the only one Jux.

@Antigon

I dont know about his dad, just about his mother existing, so of course his dad is guilty as well..

nowadays so many women are raising their kids alone , so its hard to say if he had a father figure in his life or not - either way, he was a crappy one for sure

maybe at the military? which may not be the best role model for everyday life

anyway, I think its up to Passive1 if she can see any potential in him that he can be redeemed
he may act differently once he calmed down and think about the whole thing and forks out the money :)

maybe its good they have broken up now, so both can assess the fallout more calmly

Stop listening to him!! BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK

^ This

At this point I think you should send him

«www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/paying-your-own-way«

@thighofrelief

Absolutely not - this Saturday night I have paid for the patio room at the Mondrian (for those unfamiliar, approx £500 per night)

Goodness me...let this man go. He isn't a good man, or else he would be interested in showing you that he can provide for you. I find that men are very proud when it comes to these things, and if he was a good man he wouldnt be so comfortable to be sponging off you. Please kick him out and don't let him move in. Men like this make me sick, he is shameless. I must add that you will come across as a pushover if you don't show him the door now, please don't let your child have this man as an example.

Tell him this...

Since you were here all bar 3 or 4 nights month, and used all the aminaties I thought I was simply asking you so we could move forward in the relationship we had.
I was expecting you to offer to go half's on the bills as would happen in any relationship.
You the informed me I was failing as a mother...
While it would be nice to have received the money you used for TV. I had no intentions of asking you for money for the last few months, I just wanted to move forward like adults This is your own guilty feels over money.

OP - stop the text wars right now! It will not help. You will never make him see.

You know, and I know, and hundreds of MNers know, that one big meal out at Quaglinos (which fed him as well!, SO HALF a meal at Qs) doesn't equate to a year of hot water, electricity, food, council tax.... and as you said upthread, you'd rather have the money!

ALL OTHERS PILING ON NOW - PLEASE READ THE FULL FUCKING THREAD! HOW MANY ARE COMING ON TO SAY 'JUST GIVE HIM A FIGURE', HAVING READ THE FIRST POST?

thigh he would have if they were already splitting household expenses evenly and it was only dates that were uneven costs.
If you want the electricity bill paid and someone gives you a £70 scented candle it may be nice but it doesn’t actually pay the bill...

What Dido said. You're not ready for a serious relationship if you are 'dropping hints' and cannot have an upfront and mature conversation about money (and sex, lifework, religion if applicable, politics, etc). You brought this man into your son's life far too quickly. The part about ordering your child to eat breakfast in another room so you could speak to this sponge should be ringing alarm bells for you.

Stop engaging. Box/bag up his stuff and change the locks. You were effectively paying this man to have a relationship with you and grovelling by washing his socks, cooking his meals (buying them, too), playing the Merry Maid and having sex with him, too.

Take a step back from dating and work on your self-esteem. This guy targeted you as a soft touch and feels he's doing you a favour by dating you as you're a single mum. All those saying 'It's hard to deal with someone else's child' well then, don't date people with them. I didn't when I was single and childfree.

He saw you coming!

He's a fucker. He was holding off on formalising things as your son is the issue for him. Tell him to sod off.

Will you just block him FFS?

He is a big stinky turd.

@pandora101

he may act differently once he calmed down

He has shown himself in a very poor light, going on the attach about Passive1's parenting style the minute she got a bit serious about asking him to pay his way. Any decent adult should expect to pay their way. Why put up with this, just dtcu him and find someone who is decent from the start.

I would not be able to stop myself and send him back a similar list of the restaurants you have been to (including the room at the Mondrian) and then add the rent costs, food bills etc etc

Reading further... comments about my parenting would be his downfall! Bag up his stuff and get continue local council about getting your 25% discount back and fuck him as far off as possible!

By the way, my comment wasn't meant to come across harsh, I wish i had come on here when I was being taken for a mug. I was in a similar circumstance to you once and was told by the man that I was being irrational and unhinged!! Only now can I see that he was a complete prick, and a user.

Tell him he owes you £1000 a month for rent and half of all the bills. Add it up and put that figure to him.

You've had a VERY lucky escape. Sounds like he has no idea what it is to be an adult.

I have invested far too much time in this thread today, please stick to your words and block the toe rag.

If he actually did ask you if you wanted anything from Tesco then he has offered to pay for food hasn't he? Ideally he would just go and buy food but would you have wanted him to do that? It seems that he hasn't really intended to move in but that it has gradually worked out that way.
A similar thing happened to me many years ago and I wouldn't have agreed to pay rent as I was already paying for this elsewhere and wouldn't have wanted to pay twice. I just bought some food from the supermarket.

I wouldn't get petty. I'd say, that it's the sentiment that counts. You're a single parent struggling (whether you are or not) to pay bills and one of the decent things he should have done was to offer to split costs as he is benefitting from your lovely home. He hasn't. He has an issue with your parenting. He sees your son as an intrusion rather than an addition to his life, so it's over.

Show him this thread!!!!!

Tell him he owes you £1000 a month for rent and half of all the bills. Add it up and put that figure to him.

What's the point in doing that? You can't just for rent if it wasn't agreed in advance. He will just ignore.

And I'm sorry to hear your relationship is over.

My son is uncharacteristicly challenging but I’m pretty sure that’s down to the huge adjustments he’s having to make too.

Your DS may also benefit from a break up with this guy too and you may well see a complete positive change in his behaviour, as a result. So sorry that this has happened, OP but I think you may find it better for you and your DS going forward.