... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

He says he has never been so insulted etc. And “You’re making out like I’m just living off you “

... uh, you are.
I’m taking the good advice and not responding anymore

Did you ask for a specific amount of money to be repaid?

Just block him so you aren't even tempted to reply.

Pathetic little man.

OP any chance you can book something in for this weekend to get away and have fun with your DS? This nonsense needs to be pushed from your mind as soon as possible, he really doesn’t deserve your headspace.
Agree with changing the locks and cabbing his crap to him, it’ll be an extra cost but peace of mind and you need never see his freeloading face again.

I wonder if he thinks you'd go to work for no wages but a free staff canteen?

OP - please don't let him talk you round and convince you you're being unfair, I married someone who matches your description, he took me for a mug, I subsidised him whilst he boarded his money and now he's holding up the divorce asking for a lump sum from me. He used to take massive "offence" and be "hurt" whenever I asked him to contribute. He was also a step backer at a till and would frequently take my car, not refill the petrol etc. I don't want to see someone else get burned how I did

😂😂 at the suggestion OP should train him!

If she wants something to train she can get a puppy.

Why would anyone pick a man they'd have to train to behave like a normal decent human being.

No, I didn’t. He isn’t going to pay it is he? He’s just trying to make a point.

He said this

Jesus fucking Christ. How much have I cost you, just so I know? You’re right, it’s not fair and I have absolutely no problem paying for it. Not sure why I’m painted to be some tight cunt. This is atrocious. We shouldn’t have lived in such close proximity so early on- it’s obvious. I knew it and you knew it really.
I suppose I don’t know how much hot water costs or electricity or the food (which I have always offered to pick up).
I’ve always offered, both to help with the cooking, the food, the cleaning but it’s not worked out that way

To be clear, on his way back from the tube to my flat he passes Tesco and asks “do you need me to pick anything up?”
Maybe I’m unreasonable but that isn’t him paying towards the weekly shop, that might be that we’ve run out of milk or toothpaste.

Uh. My heart is so heavy

@storm11111 RTFT. It's moved on.

Did he offer to pay for the weekly shop the other day? Or has he ever?

I’m guessing no so we can add liar to his list of qualities.

Personally I would give him 2 options. Continue dating but don't have him living in your house. Or have him move in, taking into consideration your outgoing will increase as you will be paying more council tax and utilities and also the cost of running the car will be more for 2 people than one. I'd ask for 1200 a month (perfectly reasonable for living in london) you could match the 1200, pay all outgoings from this and any extra is family money for days out, shopping, saving for holidays etc. You will gauge an awful lot from his reaction to this. If he genuinely believes you are a team etc he shouldn't have any issue with this. As pp have mentioned if he lived in London on his own it would cost him an awful lot more!

Thank goodness you are saying you are not texting him back anymore. I was beginning to think you were not listening to anyone's advice on here at all and was getting quite infuriated. You should not have began engaging with him by text as it has turned in to an argument and you are fuelling his fire. Block him now so you are not tempted again.

He just doesn't get it because he's never actually had to stand on his own two feet and be an adult in the real world. He's an overgrown child.

@Onthebrink87

That’s exactly what I did, but I didn’t suggest a figure. It’s all unravelled now and it appears as though he doesn’t feel like he should formally contribute!!

Can you just tell him when/where to get his stuff and then block him? These texts are hurting you, and he’s not going to say anything positive is he? Any money you did get from him would be accompanied by stress and guilt, and you don’t appear to want anything now you’ve split, so block and ignore seems the best solution.

@crimsonlake
Fortunately I’m at work, so even if I am tempted to be drawn into the drama I don’t have time to go backwards and forwards with him right now I’m sat on this thread instead

Send him and amount and he can drop it off when he collects his stuff.

You can't come back from this. And why should you.

Stop listening to him!! BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK

He is a complete ball bag and you have had a very lucky escape!!

I can't stand tight-fisted fuckers, how could you ever be attracted to one?

Does he have a key to your home op? Apologies if you've already said.

Passive you've done really well, recognising the problem, and dealing with it calmly and maturely. I too, think you've had a lucky escape, before you invest any more time, or find yourself pregnant to this man child who is actually showing you his true colours now. Write off what he owes you, block him, pack up his stuff and move on with your head held high. Over time work out where it went wrong and learn from this lesson.

The problem with people like this is that they hear the words but don't listen to or understand the message. He's so wrapped up in outrage that you're calling him out on his actions that he's no longer listening to what you're saying and is instead getting defensive and turning it round on you. If it wasn't this situation that highlighted this dreadful attitude to resolving a problem then it would be something else. Cut your losses because people like him won't change, they're incapable of it. Everytime you have a difference of opinion with him you will be dealing with this attitude. He will never accept responsibility for his actions but instead will resort to "well I did this, that and the other for you so you should be grateful". Ultimately he has shown his true colours- he doesn't want to lose this easy life with you so he is playing the victim card and trying to make you feel grateful to him for everything he has done for you (which is sweet FA). Criticising your parenting is a low blow by a desperate man. Get rid of him. You can do a whole lot better than a manchild.

“We shouldn’t have lived in such close proximity so early on- it’s obvious. I knew it and you knew it really.”

Well why didn’t you bugger off then - you utter tool. Find your own bloody flat and get a grip. She has a child fgs.

His tone is awful, he is aggressive and nasty, I would not want a relationship with somebody like that. All this because you asked him to pay his way. Good thing it happened now then, instead of further down the line when you are truly sucked in.

Can i just ask - were all his dates Le Gavroche and all yours McDonalds (not literally obviously)? If so, he does have a teensy point.

You're letting him suck you in. Block him.