... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Entirely different to his, I mean!

Deal with this asap. I would have major reservations about this relationship working because any decent human being would pay their way LONG before now. If you lose him over this then good riddance

storm111, I can only assume you haven’t read on from the OP...

I think you've done really well OP and handled this with dignity. Unlike your ex DP who will twist the truth to justify his freeloading behaviour.
You're well shot.

The more you keep replying to him the more opportunities you are giving him to say hurtful things and make you doubt yourself. You're opening a door and letting him walk in. People keep saying stop engaging - can you do that? And if you do let him come round to pick up his stuff - see if you can manage it so you don't have to speak with him.
Be strong.
(I don't know why some people are still wittering on about what is reasonable re money, haven't they read your posts??).

Bloody hell what an arse. He knows exactly what you are talking about but is using the 'I am taking on your child' card to get out of paying you money for his own living costs.
He doesn't sound great.

Add up the money and ask him for it. He's trying to bluff his way out of paying.

X100.
What a scummy man.
Another vote for call his bluff.

Send one last text in it I’d name your price (e.g. 2 x food and rent @ £600 =£1200) and put your bank details. Nothing else

And then be done with him...

I definitely think your boyfriend should pay rent, if you're serious about your boyfriend and can see a future with him. I would recommend bringing up the topic of him paying rent 😊

Aeroflotgirl I had exactly the same thought. This guy is beyond normal nasty and financial control is a well used tool for an abuser. To react like that when confronted, after the frankly odd initial responses ("I agree" and "We are a team" etc) makes me feel very concerned for OP.

I honestly think that OP should have no further discussion with him about this. Write off any money he owes, remove all of his stuff from the home and make sure he can't get in again. Tell him it's over and that she wants no further contact. Document any further attempts he makes to contact as that could be important if he does turn abusive.

I can't emphasise enough how worrying his behaviour is.

You know WHY he has the money to do an occasional "gracious and generous big treat"? Its because hes spending fuck all of his money on all the boring bills that are where YOUR money is going.

Please say this to him.

I think he knows it’s over and is being a dick in the hope that you’ll write off all the money you owe him. Please don’t-I would imagine he knows just how much he should have paid you and is chuckling away to himself that’s you won’t ask for it now.

Get it back and treat your son with it.

My boyfriend is a wonderful man
he’s great with my son, great with me, a great person in general
he’s started helping more around the flat
he came food shopping today (I paid)
we do eat out nicely when on dates, but we take turns to pay
From your earlier posts. Wow, has the worm turned. It’s quite amazing that you can spend so much time together with someone and not really know them. You are well rid

Send one last text in it I’d name your price (e.g. 2 x food and rent @ £600 =£1200) and put your bank details. Nothing else

This.

I would dearly love to know how he responds.

You dodged a bullet love.

There is nothing wrong with your parenting at all. It's not all glitter and unicorn shit, it's fucking hard work.

Funny how he was happy to be part of a 3, eat your food, sleep in your bed, drive your car, keep warm and toastie at your expense. Now he's expected to contribute like every other reasonable grown up adult, you're shit parent of the year.

Block him, move on. He needed you far more than you needed him. You need a grown up responsible adult who is a good example for your son not an utter cocklodger.

It should be over because he's criticised your son more than the money so I'm glad you're dumping him. Have you told him yet ?

@Passive1

so okey, you two get into a nasty argument
he acts like an idiot in his texts because he feels accused
maybe when he calms down will see more the fairness

I dont necessary think its over, you 2 just had to set boundaries.... as somebody said above, some men needs to be trained (soo many mothers do no favors to their sons by spoiling them rotten, so when an adult man lives with a woman they take the cooking, washing, housebills taken care of granted)
they can be trained tho (at least some of them)

its up to Passive1 if she wants to try the training which his mother evidently neglected

Even if he'd spent £200 in a few days on taking you out, this is less than 1/10th of his take-home pay per month. He obviously sees you as some type of savings plan where gets to save up to £2000 (if we assume he pays his mum something) free a month!

Yes, I’ve told him.

I was all set to say don't contact him again, but...

Send one last text in it I’d name your price (e.g. 2 x food and rent @ £600 =£1200) and put your bank details. Nothing else

Speechless at him..

Credit to you OP... you confronted this head on.. imagine if you'd let it roll on and on ... the effects on your DS.... it's been an unpleasant painful bur necessary exchange

I’m sort ‘train’ a man?

Train him to pay his own way?

Train him to appreciate that rent, heat, food and water is not free?

He hasn’t been bought up in a bubble he is well aware home comforts, a roof over your head, food on the table etc cost money.

He chooses not to pay his way.

Like hell he needs ‘training’, nobody trained me to pay my bills. It was a simple case of pay or you won’t have it anymore as you’ll be cut off/have your house repossessed/starve/go naked etc.

Wow do some people have incredibly low expectations of the men in their lives!

Life’s too short for “ training” a man. Why bother with the hard work? He’s shown he’s a nasty little shit 💩 anyway.

OMG. Every time I come back to this thread, the tosser has sunk to a new low.

OP - my DH is also an ex-marine and I met him shortly after he left. He already had his own place sorted before his exit - no way would he have entertained going to his mum’s or shacking up with me He said he didn’t want us to formally move in together until he was sure he was properly on his feet and had something to offer me. And I didn’t even have kids!! He sometimes stayed over at mine and vice versa - but the difference is, he went home the next day. No sneaking in by stealth! He payed for nearly all dates and I repaid by cooking dinner when he was here and other things I could pre-book. After a year or so, he was earning a lot more than me and he bought a house and proposed soon after so that’s when I moved in and we pooled all finances since. That was 15 years ago.

Can you imagine yourself meeting a single dad. Moving in with him and not contributing while having all your meals cooked and laundry done. In your wildest imagination, could you envisage this set-up OP? No a few meals at Gauchos or whatever are hardly the point. This man is a joke.

its up to Passive1 if she wants to try the training which his mother evidently neglected

What about his dad pandora? Why does he get off scot free?

You can hear him and his mates talking about their plans for when they get out. He's the one saying, "I'll find myself a single mum, they're sooooo grateful...."

One more text, then block 'Your gear will be outside at 6pm, and that'll be an end to it.'