... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Well, OP there you have it! I would add up the £80 he did not repay you, plus the £20 and whatever amount for each month he cocklodged with you. There is no point trying to reason with this entitled user. But don't be too proud to have him repay you and put it aside for something for your DC.

Wow.
My reply would be -

Those events were as a result of you wanting to do that. It's called being in a relationship. You treat each other on top of paying for residential expenses. You also forgot to mention again, that I have also paid for your restaurant meals etc but let's not get caught up in petty details.
You own me x- £80 from a few weeks ago, and yes I know you decided the following day to take me out, however, I wasn't asked if I wanted a meal or the £80. Given the choice, of course, I wanted my money, and whatever other money he owes. I will have your things bagged up ready for you to collect on XX day.

I'd stop engaging in texts, however tempting it is to try and get the last word, or to somehow make him be nice.

You don't need the added expense of a locksmith. Very easy and cheap to replace yourself. No need to take emergency time off either. Finish work, pass by diy store and get a replacement, pick up son, home change the lock, cook you and ds dinner, bag up his shit, long soak and sleep.

@Passive1

How many times a week do you dine out?
you said you were paying as well for your outing

tell him this....
when dining out, we both paid more or less the same amount, taking turns. Shall I list the restaurants where I paid, too?

Add up the money and ask him for it. He's trying to bluff his way out of paying.

Add up the money and ask him for it. He's trying to bluff his way out of paying.

Yep

Not defending him as I absolutely think a contribution to the rent and all bills should be 50/50 but he is being honest with you, I think this has been playing on his mind as much as yours...

Has it buggery.

Op, how long has he been living in your house? Unless he’s taken you to the Ritz every night and the Ivy at weekends I bet this hasn’t touched what you’ve spent (free use of car??)

Have you a friend who can drop off his bin-bagged stuff?

Wow, he's quite incredible, isn't he!

In the early days with my husband he very quickly ended up staying at my house every night and I had to have this awkward conversation with him. Sometimes relationships slide into the next level without it really being discussed. He was fine about it and from then on paid my council tax and gas and electric while I paid the rent, and we split food. Six months later we bought a house together.

This guy not only doesn't see what you've done for him or understand the costs (is he thick, or has he always lived at his mum's or in barracks and somehow never had to realise how much life costs?). Not only that but when you've tactfully asked he's swerved the issue a few times and then attacked your son and your parenting as a defence.

I'm not sure if I'd send him a bill (because he's so bloody rude!) or just say don't send anything, a break up is enough. But do tell him you didn't want spoiling, you just wanted a real partner who understands real life and meets you half way. And someone who understands that a child may react to someone moving into your house. Tell him that child needs a strong role model if you move a man in, you've learned that much.

Pandora “tell him...” Why? Does she really need the aggro of arguing this? To what end? Not only is it flogging a dead horse but she is at work, fgs. Not the place to bre getting more and more worked up. The situation needs diffusing, not fuelling.

*be not bre

how much is just a 3rd of the rent & elec ?

How own mum doesn't let him live in the family home for free so why should you! Send him an invoice and tell him to sod off.

Be wary of letting a man into your son's life in future.

Why do women put up with such shit men. Look at what you get out of a relationship on a regular basis if it’s not equal get rid, you’re better off on your own. Such amazing women with fantastic careers and bringing up children on there own, why on earth would you want add to your responsibilities with a man child.

He's really trying to upset you. Don't let it get to you, please.

Just bag up his stuff, tell him where it is, change your lock if he has a key and block him. Don't engage any further, all he is out to do is be nasty and frankly that's really really nasty. You need this man out of your life for good.

Op, in your next relationship you really need to be able to speak to your partner about money. Don’t be embarrassed about it. Be matter of fact.

This bloke is a freeloading lazy cunt. You’re well shot of him.

Next time, don’t let a man move in by stealth, and also don’t get into the habit of doing his chores for him! That should go both ways. I’m amazed you’ve put up with this twat for as long as you have.

Actually, I changed my mind. I would write off costs and no longer respond or engage with him. He’s crossed so many lines and there is no coming back from that. Take back control, change the locks if he had keys and dump his shit in bin liners outside. He overplayed his hand and refuses to act with dignity, integrity and respect.

Stop texting him! You can’t reason with the unreasonable

I would also tell him to pay you £600 for each or the 2 months he lived with you rent and bill free.

Hopefully his shitty texts are solidifying his twat status in your mind.

I would send a final message letting him know that the relationship is over and that I have lost all respect for him. I would ask him to collect any belongings this evening and then leave me alone.

Don't accept this op. I know you want a relationship, but not at this cost. The financial cost is shit enough, but the cost of your self esteem is even worse.

So basically he has LIVED RENT FREE for nearly a year, where you've covered ALL day to day costs, including food.... And he expects you to be GRATEFUL for taking you out a few times... Even though you've reciprocated?!

He has had the audacity to question your parenting skills... Simply to deflect from him being a selfish bastard.

This man is an absolute fucking bell end.

Even if he were to do an about turn and tell you he will pay you, there is no going back, he has shown you huge red flags, he is aggressive, nasty and has the potential to turn. You could well end up with an abuser on your hands. Best off to forget all costs, write it off, and be shot of him now. For yours and your son's sake. Just text him, yes it is over, your things will be out the front for you to collect.

I've RTFT and I am not completely unsurprised by this guy. There's a lot of them about. I dated someone who only wanted to spend money on the "fun" stuff that he enjoyed too, like the meals out etc. Day to day expenses were always left to me and I got the same from him "but I took you out blah blah". That isn't a proper adult relationship. Yes buying gas and electric and so on are boring but that's life! If you want to share life with someone you chip in on those things. Not just the fun stuff.

This isn't a man who wants to share life with you. He just wants the "fun times". His comment about your parenting is further evidence of that. You won't ever be able to rely on him as an equal partner. I'm sorry you're going through this OP but I agree with all the pp's. You will be better off without him and free to meet an adult who is ready for a proper relationship.

I don't see what the issue is. He's said 'I agree' with what you said about how its not fair.

Next stage is to present him with a plan which you feel is fair aka i think we should do a, b & c. Get him to agree to the details and then start doing it.

Yes it may be very irritating that he hasn't done anything pro-actively since your initial conversation but don't get annoyed until he says hes not going to pay or something.

I've just read the whole thread with growing horror. It really isn't about the money at all, that's been the catalyst for him realising that you both think this relationship is a very different animal.

He doesn't want to be a parent, he wants you but not your son. By asking for a regular, fair contribution to your household expenses you've revealed your view of what's happening, which is entirely different to yours. Gauchos? Quaglinos? He's a Disney boyfriend, isn't he?

I think you've had a very lucky escape, OP. If it were me I'd tell him we're not compatible, I don't need paying off, draw a line under it and wish him a nice life. Oh and by the way, look for a girlfriend who hasn't got a child or you'll find yourself in this situation again.