... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Please get rid, he has shown you who he is. Even if he agrees to pay at this point, it's far too late and you see him for the user and loser he really is. Please don't give up everything you've worked for, all your independence and self respect, for this worthless nasty man who doesn't deserve another second of your time or penny of your money. Please be strong and send him back to his mother's!

Of course he feels sick. He is going to have to find another single mum with a car, a washing machine and good salary to sponge off and have sex with.

Poor little prince.

But he doesn’t pay for his food ferrier and he’d kicking off about being expected to pay towards anything!

Btw, it's perfectly OK for him to eat three times as much as you (as long as he pays for it)

But he’s not paying for it, which is the whole point!

Come on though he's never even offered to get a food shop in. He might not be totally savvy with running a home but god he must know that he's been around there scarfing food and food costs money.

You'd think he would at least offer to pay some when they are out shopping.

If he dosent he's got the maturity of about an 8 year old.

He needs to keep paying rent to his mum to keep in his mind that he's not tied to your child. But he's kicking off now because he doesnt want to lose you.

Ferrier you're being too sympathetic to him. OP says he's paying his mum a little rent. She hasn't said how much but I'm guessing it's a derisory amount between £100-£200. You projecting this into him 'paying rent to his mum to keep in mind that he's not tied to his child' is far too generous to him. He likes having his c.£2200 to spend on himself each month. The evidence for this isn't that he promises to pay for things or money she lends him but then fails to do so.

He thinks she is maintaining a home anyway so one more person should be no skin off her nose. He may be an infantilised army man but it's NOT op's job to turn him into an adult.

Hello OP, just read through your posts

I hope you've kicked him into touch by now. I totally agree with other posters, he has a really unpleasant side - sponging off you then having the audacity to criticise your parenting. It's not like you were asking him to marry you, just pay his bloody way.

Anyway. look on the bright side. He still has somewhere else to live so he can bugger off right away. You don't need someone like that in your (or your son's) life OP.

He wants to play at being a grown up-not living with mummy, with a fully stocked fridge and sex on tap, but whilst keeping all of his pay to himself.

What does that tell you about him?

OMF(lipping)G(oodness)

How much money do I owe you? That will sort it out. Do you think Quaglinos, Gauchos, that place in Leicester Square, the lunch you, [son] and I had in XYZ hotel, the dinner at XYZ etc. Just paid for themselves?? Never mind the other countless bars and pubs we have been to that I haven’t let you see the bill. I can tell you I spent 5 times what a weeks shop cost on just taking you out over three days. You seem to forget so easily but perhaps the men in your life previously were quick to spoil you. I’m quite different to them- I think it’s quite obvious. But perhaps you’re happier with them. Either way just let me know what I’ve cost you and I’ll give it to you and be out of your hair. This is ridiculous.

This thread is bad for my blood pressure... please stop engaging with this man op, it won't help

You've got character and back bone OP, good for you. It's horrible when people let you down but better to see his true colours now. There ARE good men out there, fully formed, independent, responsible, thoughtful, proper grown ups, and you'll meet someone wonderful when this cocklodger's out of the picture

Drop it now, OP. He is never, ever going to see it from your point of view. You can argue with him until you are blue in the face but he will never see that he is in the wrong.

Block and delete and bag up his stuff. Please.

I’d go back and say you don’t want a penny off him as you’ll recoup it quickly enough by not having to feed him any more! Just give him a time and date to collect his stuff and leave his key.

OMG.

He's not exactly covering himself in glory here, is he?

Just text him back telling him you want his stuff gone and your key back by the end of the day. Then change the locks.

What an absolute bar steward he is.

He has never had responsibility in his life and doesn't want it now. He should have thought about that before he decided to unofficially move in.

Reply and as pp said tell him you want the key posting through the door and his be,ongings will be ready for collection at a said time.

At least it's come to a head now before he "officially" moved in.

You're worth more than a million of him x

Its all the same attitude these kinds of men have to housework as well - they arent interested in the day-to-day boring things that no-one gets a medal for, they want the "spontaneous big gesture things", the meals out, mowing the garden, the things they can do once a month or less depending on "how the mood takes them" and expect a massive amount of recognition for.

You know WHY he has the money to do an occasional "gracious and generous big treat"? Its because hes spending fuck all of his money on all the boring bills that are where YOUR money is going.

Block and delete and bag up his stuff. Please.

This. He will not say or do anything that will do anything other than cause you more upset.

That last update, give him a figure get it in cash and hand back his stuff in a black bin liner. Take him up on his offer of money and then block him.

He is obviously trying to hurt you and make you feel guilty. He is attempting to get you to back down and be a good little woman.

What a vile, conniving, cock-lodging sheister!

The derogatory text concerning your DS/your parenting style would have been the final straw for me.

I promise, it will be such a relief once he is out of your hair.

He’s a goady fucker. Why are you engaging with him now? All it is doing is upsetting and enraging you. You know he is talking out of his arse. Just end it with dignity and move on. Be the grown up he so clearly cannot be.

Passive go see your boss, now, and ask for emergency time off this afternoon. Get a locksmith. Change the locks. Box up ex's stuff. Find a time this weekend when a friend can be with you. Text ex to say " you can collect your stuff at such and such a time." Then block his number.

Agree with all PPs - the conversation is over.

Just ask for him to collect his stuff and leave the key.
There is nothing left to say.

Reply "bye"

Stupid fucker

OP please stop with this text business, it's not going to get you anywhere.

Tell him to collect his things and wish him well. Put a stop to it.