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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

999 replies

Passive1 · 12/11/2018 00:49

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money. Blush

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Passive1 · 12/11/2018 11:36

Apparently, he feels physically sick right now.

Hmm You’re all absolutely right. He has shown me who he is and I am seeing it.

You’ve all been amazing. X

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/11/2018 11:37

Seriously @Passive1, you are the one who's amazing, seeing this through.

He really is deluded.

Original poster
Passive1 · 12/11/2018 11:37

“I think if we put ourselves in each other’s shoes we would see the perspective“

“I am sorry, I simply do not understand yours. I don’t know how you can say IF we lived together we’d do XYZ, what do you think we’re doing now? We’ve both said we want to live together, and now you don’t think you’re ready because it’s come to a point where we need to formalise things. What were you planning on doing? Living with me unofficially on an ongoing basis? I can’t afford that and it is fundamentally unfair. I don’t know how you can be happy with that”

Am I living in a parallel moral universe here. WHAAAAAT?!

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 12/11/2018 11:38

I once had an ex-marine BF, with the slight difference that, before we got together, he'd had the reality check of having a house-share with three other blokes. I would never condone his attitude, but I can see where it comes from; the army deals with all the boring necessities to free fighting men up to go and do the actual fighting, and pay can come in huge chunks of back pay if you've been out on active service. Further to that, his dad worked on the trawlers, and had a similar lifestyle; wife back home got an allowance and dealt with all the mundanities, he'd be back after months at sea with a huge wodge of back pay, which could be enjoyed in style. So he had to learn the hard way that civvie street doesn't work like that, and the immediate role model didn't help! To his credit, he'd come to terms with it, (he admitted himself that this could be hard at times) and this is what your (now) ex has to do.
When I had a friend staying with me while he got back on his feet, I didn't charge rent, but:
the cost of losing my single discount on council tax,
grocery bills split down the middle,
utility bills down the middle,
to give him a chance to muster his finances and move into his own place. Which he did - but the figures came as a bit of a shock when I spelled it out.
I wonder what his mum feels about the cuckoo landing back in the nest?

TemptressofWaikiki · 12/11/2018 11:38

Apparently, he feels physically sick right now.

Probably because his cushty freeloading ride is over.... Hmm

Runningishard · 12/11/2018 11:38

Of course he feels sick. He’s lost his credit line. You and your son deserve better x

eggncress · 12/11/2018 11:39

He’s feeling sick at not being able to carry on saving his entire wage. Put the money you were spending on him aside OP and treat yourself and ds to something nice.

VforVienetta · 12/11/2018 11:39

Well yes, if you put yourself in his shoes you might well be thinking “I’ve got a cushy number here, lets not change a thing’. The twat.

LemonBreeland · 12/11/2018 11:39

I think you need to send him one final message to say that you are not going to discuss it further with him, that he has shown himself to be a different person than you thought and that the relationship is clearly over. Get him to come and get his stuff when it suits you and then breathe a sigh of relief that you pushed this matter.

PerverseConverse · 12/11/2018 11:42

Stop engaging with him. He'll drive you insane otherwise by gaslighting you to believe you are the one in the wrong. Text him it's over, bag up his stuff and leave it outside.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 12/11/2018 11:42

@passive1 this was a key moment in the relationship, and I have to say, you aced it. He pulled out what he thought was his trump card - that he was always going to use if you ever objected to anything - your being a parent.

You were supposed to be so needy and desperate to have a man in your life, that you jumped to reassure him that he was amazing and you were wrong.

Instead you called him out on his bullshit.

You know what? You are going to be just fine. Don’t settle for so little next time. He has revealed his true colours, and you have not cowered before his magnificence. He was never a good man; you just hadn’t pushed him to communicate clearly before. People can only pretend for so long before they start to slip.

I suspect your ds’s behaviour will be so much better from now on. Best of luck. This bit is hard, but it gets better Flowers

HeckyPeck · 12/11/2018 11:43

I think you need to send him one final message to say that you are not going to discuss it further with him, that he has shown himself to be a different person than you thought and that the relationship is clearly over. Get him to come and get his stuff when it suits you and then breathe a sigh of relief that you pushed this matter.

Absolutely. Sorry he ended up being such a selfish dick OP. I can’t imagine staying at someone’s house every night, ganneting down their food and not offering to pay a single penny.. Onwards and upwards!

kayakingmum · 12/11/2018 11:47

I think it's up to you to suggest a figure.
He's probably waiting for that.

HauntedPencil · 12/11/2018 11:49

I'm reading this open mouthed OP.

So he can be in a "three" of it's free but not if he pays his way Jesus.

He sounds like a giant baby, he has it all at mums and as you've a child he benefits from being at yours for free as you also have all the comforts you provide for your son.

It tells you what you need to know that in all this time he's never even offered to do a grocery shop.

He sounds massively immature, and actually with quite the mean streak.

worriedgem · 12/11/2018 11:51

If he moves in he should split the costs with you! Not just pay "extra". He should at least pay a third of rent/ food (to account for your DC) and pay half for the car if he's using it. YADNBU

Athena51 · 12/11/2018 11:51

@kayakingmum

You might want to RTFL things have moved on a bit...

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 12/11/2018 11:53

His physical sickness could be cured by a more than fair 600 a month...funny how he's not interested in that.

Basically he's only interested in being in a relationship with you if you pay him for it.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2018 11:53

Stop engaging with him, give him the boot and tell him when he can come and collect his things, I would do that with a friend present. Of course he feels sick, he has lost his cash card.

crimsonlake · 12/11/2018 11:55

I am surprised by anyone putting up with someone who they have suspicions of being a tight wad. I met someone a while ago and in the first couple of dates I had my suspected that when it came to paying for coffee etc he would disappear to the toilet. I am all for equality, but it is nice to be treated in the very early days.Possibly I know what I want and am jaded, but I stopped seeing him due to my concerns.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2018 11:55

Instead of "it has come to the point where we need to formalise things" too wishy washy, should have been "it has come to the point where you need to contribute financially"

TemptressofWaikiki · 12/11/2018 11:56

He does have an interesting concept of 'team'...

Problem is that the genie is out of the bottle now and there is no longer any excuse for him that he might be unaware of the true costs etc due to his military background. Now you know that he deliberately abused your generosity and what's worse, he is throwing a hissy fit when you asked and told him outright that he needs to pay. Your initial suggestion was too low anyway. I would have asked for £800, plus any extra costs he is incurring.

DadJoke · 12/11/2018 11:56

He is a parasite. He is draining your self-confidence and your wallet and he is as tight as a gnat's chuff. It's not hard for him to endear yourself to a child.

He is used to having a woman do everything for him, pay for everything for him, and you are potentially his new mum. He is a big child, who is using guilt and gaslighting to get what he wants. And criticising your parenting, and thinking you don't come as a package is a really bad red flag.

One word that to me is a touchstone of attitude is "helping." Helping implies that it's your job, and he's doing something gracious. It should be "doing your share of the work."

If you really want to continue with this, one third of the rent, bills, and half the groceries seems fair, based on his consumption.

But I think you are worth more than this. DTMFA.

BTW if you need someone to do shopping for you and you'll pay for my shopping, too that would be great! I'll happily do it.

Missingstreetlife · 12/11/2018 11:59

Start with half, unless he wants to share bedroom with your son, but be careful this doesn't give him the idea he'd like joint tenancy.
I think it's fair you set the budget, not sure about joint account, we have one but very specific in the beginning what it covered. More swings and roundabouts these days
There may be adjustments, but start high. I don't know why you are hesitant. Do you think you should support him?

ferrier · 12/11/2018 11:59

It's not quite unanimous.
Fwiw I have a small smidgeon of sympathy for him.
I think it sounds like he really likes you .... a lot. But he's not ready for a child, especially one that's not his and is going to be a little troublesome ... as they all are. One aspect of being in the military is that it does infantilise them in some ways (though obviously not in others.)
So he's kind of thinking that you're not a unit even though he wants to be with you. And he doesn't want to commit to that unit whole heartedly. He needs to keep paying rent to his mum to keep in his mind that he's not tied to your child. But he's kicking off now because he doesnt want to lose you.

Obviously this is an unacceptable situation for you. If you have an ounce left of love and respect for this man (I rather suspect he's killed that off) then he should go back to living with his mum and just seeing you in a more informal way, until he comes to the realisation that if he wants a more committed relationship with you then he has to be prepared to make that commitment - both financially and in terms of accepting your child.

Btw, it's perfectly OK for him to eat three times as much as you (as long as he pays for it) and to clean to a different regime. These are things you'd have to get used to, no matter who moved in with you.

happypoobum · 12/11/2018 12:00

Let me guess - your house is an easier commute than his mums?

Seriously, stop texting him, it's pointless. Tell him his stuff will be outside and block him.