... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

OP, I think even the fact that you felt the need to post on here about the way you were “dropping hints” about him contributing, shows that deep down, you were worried about his reaction. Worried to force the issue because your gut feeling told you that his reaction would be a deal-breaker and you couldn’t “pretend” anymore.

It’s interesting that he berated you for giving your son “treats” for bad behaviour. No, not interesting actually - disturbing is the word I would use. Does he not see that you are also giving him “treats” for his own shoddy behaviour? Bloody outrageous to deflect into your son.

Yes, as PPs have said, by bringing your parenting and child into it, he is hitting you where he knows it will hurt most. The fact that this was his primary defence, tells you all you need to know.

OF COURSE your son will react to having a man in the house. It’s a massive adjustment. What does he bloody well expect? Anyone else would be looking at ways to support you through the change in dynamic. How dare he come into your life and tell you how to raise your son. Who the hell is he? Words fail me.

Please get rid of him OP, he is not worthy of your time

A laugh quite literally burst out of my mouth reading that grin

Good! Glad you're laughing and not crying anymore!

Wow. That escalated quickly.

On the one hand, I'm really sorry on your behalf as you've opened up your home (and family unit) to this man and he has totally taken advantage.

On the other hand, I'm glad you found this out so early on, rather than putting up with it for ages.

What a total cad.

He'll obviously go back to Mummy now, instead of standing on his own two feet.

And forget his comments about your parenting style. He has no idea what he is talking about.

Well rid.

If he's paying rent to his mum he should be living there. Tell him to stay there and stay at yours once or twice a week. Depending on what you prefer.

Dump him, OP. This isn't a small thing. This is about who he is as a person and as a person he sucks. You can do so much better.

I wish people would stop using 'the military' as an excuse for this man's attitude.

I get that people are often cocooned in the forces. I get that back in the real world the time and cost involved in life admin might well come as something of a shock.

I do NOT get however that even the thickest ex-forces guy would imagine that you get to live life practically for free, at someone else's expense, without having discussed and agreed that set up beforehand. No-one owes this man a living, least of all a single parent whose first priority is their child.

I'm sorry OP that he's both insulting your intelligence and attempting to make you feel bad with his childish spiteful texts but I'm glad you've confirmed it's over. Please, for your own sake, don't keep engaging with him - you don't need to justify yourself at all.

OP, you're handling this with so much maturity. A quality your (ex) boyfriend severely lacks. I think you are both at different stages of life and you need to be with a grown up. He has no idea how real life works and he's not wanting to learn either. Put you and your DS first and use this as a learning exercise. It's difficult and upsetting when you think life is going one way and it ends up going another. However, this relationship is not going anywhere. for you, hope you're Ok. You will meet someone else who is right for your family

OP, if you’re def ending this relationship and he has things at your flat maybe consider having a friend over when he comes to collect? Your posts don’t imply that anything physical could happen but his low-blow parenting style comments make me wonder if he’ll say something your DS will overhear. With a friend there, I’m thinking it’d be less likely. Just a thought!

I’ve RTFT and really impressed with your handling!!

OP I really wouldn't respond to him any more. Is there any way you can leave work early?

I would go home, bag up his shit (excluding anything you bought him) and send it to his work. Lock the doors and congratulate yourself on a lucky escape from this horrible cocklodger.

The worse insult anyone can make of a woman is to say she is a shit mother. He has chosen his words carefully to try to knock you back into line.

I imagine any behavioural issues your child may have had will magically disappear once this wanker is gone.

Block him on your phone. Nobody needs that shit.

he was happy enough with the set up until he was asked to pay his own way.. now there's a problem with your parenting... rubbish..... he's a freeloader...

and I agree.. your Son isn't really coping with having Him around either...

I hope your okay OP

I too have rtft. I'm very sorry it has turned out this way. My drawings together are.....

It just happened that he moved in. Fine, but better not again as it is a big deal that needs discussion.

He knew he was using all your stuff and didn't offer to chip in. Bad form, end of conversation there.

You felt guilty bringing it up. Worth looking at.

It's raised issues with him re joining your family. Fine. But point a, need to discuss it before next man moves in.

Why didn't he speak up? Why did he wait until challenged in his shortcomings? Bad form.

The fact that he said he pays when you go out, not the same. Either he's naive or wants to be the big guy.

The fact that he's from the military and might not know these things. True. Could be saved then. BUT he then criticises you for your parenting which is a different issue. That makes me think he may be militarily naive, but he is also immature in other ways.

The end.

I'm very sorry you've had such a shock and the relationship has hit this impasse. It's shit.

I've had an ex who was tight. It affected him in other ways too. We were at a gig, I was cold and asked him if I could wear his coat from his bag and he said no. I sat there lkg at all the other couples, men with arms round their ladies and I thought is this the best I can come up with?

Your guy is a bit the same, glibly in your life with no commitment, and having taken from you and now saying he isn't sure it's the life for him.

The good things are....
You have seen before too much time
You will learn from it.

The two things I think I take from this are, set those boundaries!!!! And, ask why you lack confidence in the fact that you were right all along. You second guessed yourself and as a result you are hurt.

Huge hugs xxx don't we all do it the hard way sometimes xxxxxxxx

The problem is you expect me to seamlessly adopt this new life- because obviously you had to. But it’s difficult for me.

So difficult that he let you pay for everything

What a cunt

Dump him

Change the locks

You have SO dodged a bullet

Oh yes to men being tight in other ways. Does he put himself out in other ways? I don’t mean get a meal or present when he wants, but do something when he’s tired or an effort. The day I dump my ex was the day he was tired after a night out and suggested I walk the half mile alone at 2am alone, after we’d gone to a bus stop that wasn’t the closest for me so we could journey together

Have read your updates OP. You're clearly very vulnerable at the moment, and seems to have clocked that and is taking full advantage.

Please don't listen to his criticism of your parenting - what and arsehole throwing that at you! Like he knows best.

Five yr olds are challenging.

If you choose to stay with him, please understand what you're getting yourself into. When someone tells you who they are, listen.

it's unusual to have a unanimous agreement on a Mumsnet thread... but here it is...

I actually find it shocking that he went shopping with you, presumably picked out it his own foods. And then stood by whilst you paid for his food. No embarrassment?

When DP and I first got together he just started contributing the amount he was saving in bills at his to our household without me asking, his addition didn’t even cost us that much.

It’s so alien for me to trail around a supermarket with a boyfriend and choose my foods and then step back and wait for them to pay.
I used to do that with my mum as a kid.

What an immature mama’s boy asshole he is! Wow,OP I’m glad you have seen the light about your unbalanced relationship with him! I’m sure you’re very upset and heartbroken but just think how happier your future will be with you and your son. Hugs to you.

Wow! His level of selfishness is quite something!

This thread is a perfect example of how we need to listen to someone's actions not their words. OP starts off by saying he is a "wonderful man" but it later transpires it's only because he said all the right things -l the signs he wasn't so wonderful were there all along such as not paying his way or OP having to do everything round the house despite him living there full time by stealth. I'm sure anyone can be wonderful when they're never challenged on anything.

"When someone shows you who they are, listen."

It is good that you found out now, than later down the line. Your ds deserves better than this. You are a package with him, and if this is going to be a problem for him, which it looks like it is, adios to him.

Wowsers what an arsehole. You're well rid of him @Passive1

what did you say after he said 'i agree'?

I actually find it shocking that he went shopping with you, presumably picked out it his own foods. And then stood by whilst you paid for his food. No embarrassment?

Absolutely!

I’m also surprised you’ve done that more than once, OP-I don’t think I would have done.

He is a knob. I can understand him not wanting to pay a set amount towards bills as he may not want to officially "move in" which is what a set contribution would imply. However, he should just say that he wants to go back to staying a couple of nights a week. It's pretty outrageous that he has never bought the food shop anyway though.