... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

He was perfectly happy with the arrangement until you asked him to pay his way. That's the fundamental basics

Spot on ...

I'd have his stuff bagged and abandoned at the front door... he's a selfish greedy lazy fucker that was happy to take take take.... get shot OP..

Xenia what? So because he finds step-parenting challenging, he shouldn’t have to contribute to the household despite being there for 95% of the month, using all OP’s facilities and creating extra expenses like food, which she’s paying for. Riiiiight.....

Xenia and I think similarly. Op I’m am amazed at your cool and collected texts ! Good luck with whatever happens. You sound collected and self sufficient !

I bet people were falling over themselves on this thread to scream "c0cklodger"

I'm glad you that you now know what he is op. And it's obvious that you'll be absolutely fine once you've handed his stuff back and cut him out of your life.

Fwiw be careful that he doesn't use this £100 he owes you to keep communication open and the fight going. I know that some will say that you should make sure the money is paid back but it might come at a high emotional price.

Phew - glad to hear it OP!
Well done on making the decision, have you a plan for evicting his sorry arse?

As Anyfucker says, HE DOES UNDERSTAND!! Of course he understands!!

He has just been rumbled, that's what he doesn't like. You have interrupted him stashing away his salary and his projected savings.

I'd be meeting the locksmith at the front door, blocking and moving on.

Were you claiming any single benefits ? As his money could have affected your benefits

His behaviour is more likely to be affected by the instability of this cocklodger swanning in and out of your house

This x100000

You also said earlier that you felt that you paying for your sons food and maybe 2/3 of the rent would be fairer as your son is occupying a bedroom... sweetheart, it doesn’t work that way, if you are in a relationship with someone who has a child and you want to make that relationship work, you also accept the changes that need to be made to accommodate that child, which includes going beyond just being there physically, I have a feeling that he doesn’t say much to your DS? And I’m guessing he secretly resents when DS needs you, ie, bedtimes, school homework/reading etc, I don’t believe he has actually realised that having a long term relationship with you also means having one with your DS, and yes, that includes financially as well as emotionally, not just letting DS have mummy when he needs her, iyswim?

OP

As a fellow lone parent, bin him today. What an absolute prick thinking he can comment on your parenting while he can't even look after himself

Get rid.

@Staceyjas the OP has already said she doesn't receive any benefits bar child benefit, and had already told the council about not requiring the single person council tax discount. So no issues there.

Were you claiming any single benefits ? As his money could have affected your benefits

RTFT OP is not on ANY Benefits FFS

Oh this has taken a turn hasn't it. However the reality of the matter is that he knew about your son when he met you, it is a big adjustment for everyone.

Not defending him as I absolutely think a contribution to the rent and all bills should be 50/50 but he is being honest with you, I think this has been playing on his mind as much as yours.....

The relationship is still fairly new, maybe it's too quick and if you can get past this, I would def be going back to basics in terms of seeing him without your son, if he stays over it's after he's in bed etc.

He's ex military, he's used to everything being done for him as well as decisions etc, hes been used to having meals done for him, cheap accomodation thus meaning lots of expendable income, the reality is that he has been conditioned and doesn't see how much normal life costs!!! If you put it down in black and white he will most likely panic and then hopefully realise he's in the big world now, not the cotton wool one that he's used too..... I see it all the time sadly...

I wouldn't give up yet......

I have read the thread but wondered why on earth you are doing this grown mans washing and ironing! My 8 year old will put a wash on!

Just get rid of him, he is using you. I do hope you are having some therapy for your issues around cleaning/food.

So he has moved in by stealth without taking you or your DS into consideration.

Your DS is acting out because of this.

There was no say, no discussion just this bloke suddenly lives here. It has all been changed from just you and him.

Funny how he has not mentioned taking on your DS or any problems until asked to pay his way.

Hmmmm difficult because he isn't officially living there .... I would ask for a contribution. If you both decide he is moving in fully then its 50/50 !

Oh Wow. Those are quite the updates!

Well...you know now. It wasn't a misunderstanding. He knew damn well what he was doing, and cared not a jot about the impact of him moving in would have on a small child.

Don't waste anymore breath on the man. Pack his things, send him running back to Mamma.

A very wise friend of my mum's told me that if you can't discuss the most important things- money, sex & religion - with a partner, rationally and fairly, then the relationship simply can't work. IMO he should be paying at least 1/3rd of the total outgoings on your flat, especially bearing in mind that you seem to do the majority of household chores! Where else would he get a full-service (ahem) deal for free? If he can't commit to paying his way now what else will he dodge in the future? Sorry, OP sounds like a classic CL to me.

“It’s not normal” is a classic way of telling you that you are hysterical, unhinged, and lots of other things that help him justify his behaviour in his own head and “bring you down a peg or two” at the same time.

Honestly, OP, I very rarely if ever have typed “LTB” or jumped to that type of conclusion on Mumsnet, but this is all so familiar to me. Several red flags here! I would disengage from the texting and communication very quickly and go back to concentrating on your own life and your son.

I don’t think it’s actually about money. He’s not ready for the responsibility of being a household unit. As long as he just “stays over” he’s still independent in his mind. Minute he paid rent or bills then he’s become partner and he doesn’t want that.

So sorry OP.

I think not having lived on his own he has no idea how much things cost.

His attitude is inexcusable tho.

It's definitely not about the money. That's a red herring. It's that he's not ready to be a grown-up.

I'm so sorry it's ended this way OP. Best of luck to you and your son as you move on and up!

You've handled it beautifully.

What @PARunnerGirl said. OP do what’s best for you and your DS, he is 5. This man has shown you who he is today- take note. You deserve more.

Send
^Fair enough setting up together with a P who has a child is a decision that he needs to make, it doesn't alter the fact that wherever you live & wherever you take a shower, or eat, someone has to pay, & it is no longer the marines, or mummy.
You are responsible for your own costs, not me.
I have repeatedly put this topic to you, & you have blithely ignored it.
It hasn't just popped up over night.
Its good to know that you are not on board with me & DS before we get irredeemably hurt, your belongings have been sent in a taxi to Mummy^

He didn't have to be a dick about it. But he has been, repeatedly. He has revealed his inner dickhead.

Have you heard of lovebombing? Could that have happened here? He's only been around for a year and he's already moved in by stealth for long enough for it to be a problem, which suggests everything moved way too fast at the start.

The fact that you thought you'd found the perfect man after just a few weeks is telling too. It sounds like he was telling you everything you wanted to hear. You thought you were getting to know him but actually you didn't know him at all, he was playing an act to keep the little lady sweet.