... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Oh you poor thing.

Money aside, once he shown he’ll judge you- run. It’s no life to live with a man who picks you apart for parenting from the sidelines whilst doing nothing to support you. He’s obviously got it in his head that he’s saving you as a single mum with his presence, that you should be grateful he’ll take you on. That’s not the case, you are a capable woman who works damn hard, you need no saviour figure. One day you’ll find a proper decent partner.

The next step of his is probably a bit of grovelling not he’s knocked your confidence enough to keep you in place. It won’t be matched with actual actions.

I always believe if a man wants you he’ll fight a bit, to contribute and bear some of the emotional burden. To show how easily he will chuck a bomb into your relationship shows he’s not willing to, ultimately he doesn’t care and at some point he’ll fuck odd when it’s hard. It’s hard to end it now, but it’s easier than it will be further down the line.

Personally I’d end it with a text, then state my phone will be off as I’m upset and I need to move forward. I’s give him a time he can text to arrange picking up stuff. Have a massive cry, but I promise it’ll quickly feel far better

So you now have the extra expense of his food, petrol etc. and he isn't contributing even towards this? Time to say goodbye methinks.

If we had agreed to move in together...
What does he think you've been doing?
Get rid of him, honestly. You don't need this shit.

Do you really want to stay with a man that can twist things the way that he does. If he makes you do it yourself now (yet is still convinced he is right)-imagine how much worse it would be years down the line.

Enough.

Don't invite him to pick up his stuff, he'll carry on emotionally abusing you and you'll be stuck with him all night. Get home, stick it in a cab to his Mum's.

Agree with everyone, he's being a dick. I suspect he honestly just doesn't get it, and probably won't for a long time, if ever.

The thing for me is that not only have your costs gone up, but your personal space (you and DS) has gone down if he's there. There'll be the negotiations on who watches what on TV, the fact that you're sharing your bedroom/cupboard space with him, DS perhaps has less space for toys/playing to accommodate another adult. Just because this man moved in my stealth, doesn't change the fact that he did and that he should contribute.

I would say a more formal agreement to move into together might have made more sense. A conversation saying, "are we living together or not? If we are, are we going to continue living here and what are we going to do about the bills and if we're not, that's fine, but I can't keep subsidising your food and other expenses so we need to make a plan...."

My guess is that he didn't want to move in formally, and all the cost of bills is making him realise he either needs to commit or move on.

Thanks for being kind.
It’s always a worry posting here when you’re feeling vulnerable. I’m quite happy to hear that IABU, if I am, but I don’t think I could take a flaming at the moment, so thank you x

Just to address a few points; he is right about my parenting at the moment. My son is uncharacteristicly challenging but I’m pretty sure that’s down to the huge adjustments he’s having to make too. We have been alone for his entire life, he doesn’t know his dad and I’ve never introduced him to previous people I’ve dated (because I wasn’t convinced the relationships would last... what a mistake I’ve made here).

I am extremely particular at home; there isn’t much he could do that I wouldn’t re-do, so I’m not really moaning about chores, he could take the bins out I suppose
With regards to food, I am in treatment for an eating disorder, so it is an incredibly sensitive issue that he eats the same in one evening that my son and I would eat in 3 days.

Benefits wise, I don’t get any (other than child benefit) and have notified the council of the end of my single person council tax discount. I’m far too paranoid to risk anything like that.

I think you are all right - there’s no coming back from this fundamental issue, it would continue to come up in the future if we were to ignore it now.

Sigh.

My guess is that he didn't want to move in formally, and all the cost of bills is making him realise he either needs to commit or move on.

This. He is now either stalling for time or just trying to have his cake and eat it whilst trying to convince you that you’re the bad guy. He is being a total arse.

I can’t say anything constructive, he’s a dick.

On a side note, I’m impressed at your self- sufficiency!

OP I have a five year old and her behavior is beyond challenging at the moment and I’m married to her dad , 5 year olds are hard and noisy and prone to tantrums so don’t second guess yourself .

At the risk of being clinical...better you know now. This guy just uses women as a free billet til something better comes along.

First third of the thread I thought ‘give him the benefit of the doubt, this could be miscommunication, maybe he’s waiting for you to say something like “It looks like you’ve moved in. Why don’t we sit down and work out how to split costs/I think it would be fair for your share to be £x a month, let’s discuss that”. Some people only respond to a defined request of a clear amount or a clear action.

But no, he is just after a freebie like his mum’s, but with added sex!

With regards to food, I am in treatment for an eating disorder, so it is an incredibly sensitive issue that he eats the same in one evening that my son and I would eat in 3 day

Have you been shopping and paying for these huge quantities of food for him for months without saying anything?

Can people stop assuming OP is on benefits? Not every single mum is. OP says she earns over £35kpa so may not be receiving any benefits.

Anyway, OP, it would boil my piss to see him living in my heated house, shoving my food into his fat ungrateful mouth, using my hot water.

OP, I hope your relationship finding your anger! Put his crap in black bin liners and tell him they'll be outside your house at 6pm for him to collect. And tell the cocklodging fucker to give back the money he owes you!

His behaviour is more likely to be affected by the instability of this cocklodger swanning in and out of your house .

For what it’s worth OP you sound ace and very switched on I’m impressed you figured out his game quickly and nipped it in the bud .

I’m sorry you’re upset OP but also I’m massively relieved for you. He’s finally shown you, beyond doubt, what his true character is.

You and your son deserve so much better.

Leave no room for doubt, draw a line under this relationship and move on. He can go back to being Mummy’s boy again.

@Antigon

A laugh quite literally burst out of my mouth reading that

His whole attitude in the texts is a deal-breaker. Nice people don't carry on like that when a reasonable concern is raised.

You made a mistake letting him move in by stealth. A mistake that you now think hurt your son. Everyone makes mistakes. Every parent too. Fix it now. Get rid of the dickhead cocklodger who is trying to browbeat you into submission.

He said he would be happy to start paying and he mentioned what he finds difficult - living with a mother and child and obviously like many people just bit by bit they stay more because they like you so much. I doubt he has deliberately chosen to be an expensive addition to the house.

To start poaying half the bills etc is moving the relationship to the next stage and he doesn't want to do that with someone with a child. I don't really think either side is being awful in this. Just continue the relationship with him staying over or break it up. There is nothing in his text which is rude.He just finds it hard to be in a relationship with someone with a child. That's fine. there are plenty of women out there who don't have children yet.

But Xenia, he can’t have his cake and eat it

Without doubt, the relationship is over.

I was honestly expecting him to be utterly humiliated when I spelled it out and for it all to have been a huge misunderstanding. The reality is that a) he doesn’t think he should contribute anything b) he doesn’t think I’m a very good parent c) he doesn’t want to be a part of a 3 way team, just a 2 way one and that isn’t on offer

He's said he agrees, so I'd just present him with the amount you think he should pay and why and discuss it.

Ugh. Shit.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. But this man is horrible and a baby. He's an utter prick. No wonder your son is bothered.

If you can, have no further conversation with this man. Just tell him to go. Pack up his stuff today. Has he a key? you will need that back. If you feel unable to ask for it back, just change the lock, it's not too expensive.

On the upside, I'm delighted you found this out early-ish in your relationship, and you didn't spend too much time on this cock-lodger manbaby.

You're doing great.

He has shown you his nasty side and who he really is, you would be expected to sub him on a permanent basis. He is nothing more than a cocklodger and your well rid. Don't subject your dad to this poor excuse of a man.