... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Having just read your updates, I think it's time he left. Moving in happened far too quickly and with no proper discussion. Now he's being asked to pay his way, he's suddenly discovered all these things that you are doing wrong. Didn't bother him when he was getting a free ride though, did it?
You haven't done anything wrong. You've dodhed a bullet here x

He is horrible and mean because he’s made th OP feel like shit by questioning her parenting style and making out she’s in the wrong here. Christ I moved back in with my parents aged 25 when I came back from travelling but I gave them a third of what I earned. It’s common sense and decency that you pay your way. He must have lots of money saved by now.
Passive your text is great but I bet he replies with more nonsense. I couldn’t even look at him even if he offered to pay his way now let alone allow him to move in. You’ve found out what an arse he is now, I’d be packing his stuff up and leaving it outside at an arranged time and hope to never see him again.

He understands perfectly well

Don't engage further. Tell him it is over.

I started reading this thread on the train this morning, and I had a feeling he might not react well.

Poor you OP! But it's clear it's been niggling away at you, for good reason, and he's just not on the same page.

To be fair to him, it IS hard to live with someone with a child, it does take adjustment and it is hard not having any say in parenting. I've done it, so I know.
BUT, you address it by talking things through. It is separate to the money issue, totally separate. And you really don't move in with someone who has a child without being sure of all these things first.

One minute you were 'a team', the next he can't countenance living with you and your son as he cannot cope with the parenting?

He really does sound like a piece of work. And there's hints.....nay examples....of gaslighting in his responses.

It is horrible to say, but this is a really unpleasant attitude he has and you will be better off without him. I know how upsetting that is though.

(P.S. was he actually insured to drive your car, if he doesn't have one of his own you must have added him to the insurance? Why doesn't he have a car, btw?)

Urgh. What. A. Twat.

He's a deflecting immature asshole.

It's really low of him to suddenly bring up your son like he's doing you a favour by dating you with that extra "burden" (that costs him nothing). He had the option to date someone without kids, there are plenty of women out there without them but he chose to date someone with a child.

He is all but living you as is and won't contribute at all. Kick him to the curb.

You need to kick him out OP, like now, hes using you and will never pay for anything. As soon as you get in from work bag up his stuff and let him collect it.

Please don't let him walk over you any further.

He really does think that he didn't 'move in' - he was 'just staying a few nights (and who would charge him for that? ) and eating a bit of the food you'd already prepared.... he was just 'in a relationship' and so taking you out for dinner a few times was all that was needed.

You pointed out to him that he was moved in, and should therefore pay hi s own way. He didn't like that, so deflected and attacked your parenting (because that would wound you)

He is now claiming that you are 'not normal' (said by every cocklodger ever) and it's all your fault.

Don;t bother trying to make him see. He won't, he doesn't want to, and he can now go back to mum claiming you are the demanding, weird, money obsessed bad parent.

Get rid. he's not worth it.

And DON'T engage in text-wars! It will not end well. Silence now, and a few angry tears now, rather than more tears and MH issues later.

Please, keep your dignity & just don’t engage with him anymore, he is so not worth it. Even if he suddenly says ‘sorry, I’im the wrong, let me contribute £750 a month and here’s a £1k for what I owe you’, he’s not being genuine about it, he has upset you with horrible texts and is now probably worried that he’s missing out on home comforts (& sex). Please, please just block him & get on with your life, you do not need a man in your life.

I'm astounded that he expects you to be grateful for him paying for half of the dates. I could guarantee he believes himself too and will feel aggrieved to be effectively called a tightwad. Which he is.

People who are mean with money (not careful, that's just prudent) are mean spirited in other ways too. Your son would be the first one to be in the line of fire.

OMG, OMG, OMG! I have now read the entire thread.

HE has absolutely no * idea about life. He needs to go. Now. Stuff in bin bags, blocked everywhere.

FWIW I think you are amazing, strong, independent and brilliant. He is a pampered man child whose mother or the forces didn't prepare for the real world.

I'd stop responding now as he is being deliberately obtuse. You can't reason with people like this. People who refuse to take responsibility for anything will grind you down to a shadow of your former self.
Are you so deeply in love with him you're unable to dump him? He is furious his gravy train has stopped but that's all your fault. Manipulative prick.
After the text about your ds that should be it as from now on you'll never relax when he and your ds are together as he clearly resents him.
It's all too difficult now and you can't win when dealing with an ego like his.

Just tell him it's over and don't engage with him further, delete and block him now. Stuff his things in binbags and leave outside your house.

Oh @Passive1, I’m so sorry. He is an utter twat. An absolute pitiful excuse for a human being. How dare he blame your parenting style for him being a tight fisted, ungrateful, immature dick. You can do so, so much better. I know how hurt and upset you are feeling right now but I promise you, he’s doing you a favour. He’s showing you who he really is, believe him. It’s so much better you’ve found out now than 2, 3 years down the line. You deserve so much better

I'd just leave it now OP. He can see your point of view very well. He just doesn't want to pay up.

Regnamechange hit the nail on the head when she said never let a man in who feels your child needs more discipline. Never.

If he decides to contribute financially he will use this to justify him feeling entitled to make your son's life some living hell, and yours.

He's massively deflectingOP and trying to make out your in the wrong too by saying 'it's not normal'. Time to call a halt and send him back to Mummy I think, you and your son are worth much better.

Oh god OP, you need to get rid of him. He's shown his true colours. Gaslighting fucktard he is. You and your son deserve better.

Passive1
Its not that he doesn't understand, he is setting the ground rules for the future. He speaks, you obey.

Please, end it today.

Yuck how unattractive. Dump this useless cocklodger op. The nerve of him bringing up how you parent your son! All while living for free under your roof! Suited him fine when he didn’t pay anything but now you’ve asked for a measly sum he’s shown you what an absolute sponger he is. He is a child - send him back to his mother. And how him this thread! He needs to hang his head in shame for the appalling way he hasn’t treated you. Pftttt ‘we are a team’ no buddy - you are your own team, now fuck off.

Wow, OP - I am impressed with your calm approach!
BUT - I know this man - no amount of reasoning with him will work, and you will end up tying yourself in knots.
I'd do as others above have suggested, and tell him that there is no point in continuing the discussion.
So sorry!

You're doing very well to keep your replies grounded in reality and not let him bend the truth to suit him. Well done. I'm sorry it's rubbish, but best to know what he's really like? :(

Where's this left your head OP?
He had several choices in how to respond to you, and he chose to denigrate your child and your parenting, deny his financial responsibilities (for himself even, never mind you), and try to guilt you for raising the topic.
There were so many other options open to him, it seems very revealing that that's the path he chose.

You sound epic - please don't doubt yourself. Your son is lucky to have you.

Your DP sounds like a sponger, even though you've tried hard not to criticise him in your posts.

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Please believe that he is absolutely telling you who he is, I married my cocklodger, pay avoider, “we are a team” person. It didn’t end well for me.

Let him go, he is not worth it.

OP, I hope you realise that the BF has chosen to criticise your parenting because he thinks that's the thing that will upset you the most. He is trying to 'punish' you for making him feel uncomfortable for asking about the money. It's a really nasty unkind thing to do.

BTW. If you dump him then you need to 'man' up a bit before getting into another serious relationship. You are way too nice. You need to think about why you think you were doing all the cooking and cleaning and why you were happy to pay for him for so long. Otherwise you are just going to end up being a doormat in future relationships. It's unfair on you and it's really unfair on your son.

I don't think this has got anything to do with him being a marine or living with his Mum - it's about him being selfish and unkind.