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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

999 replies

Passive1 · 12/11/2018 00:49

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money. Blush

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Confused
OP posts:
Thehop · 12/11/2018 09:37

Send a last text

“I don’t think this is going to be resolved so let’s not argue. We clearly don’t agree on the basics. It’s been fun, and well part on good terms and say no more. “

Kazzyhoward · 12/11/2018 09:37

I think the big issue here was that he "moved in" by default, bit by bit, so he probably didn't even know he'd done it. I've always thought proper boundaries are needed in all walks of life, particularly friendships/relationships. I think the "money" issue should have been discussed and resolved a long time ago - long before the OP started doing his washing and lending him her car.

mummmy2017 · 12/11/2018 09:37

Sorry but the government if they looked into your life style would claim he is living there.... Becareful as you could be reported.

Tell him that you feel he is refusing to see that legally he has moved in, since this does not seem to be how he views it, if this relationship is to continue then you need to step it all backwards and go back to dating and he goes home each night.
NO sex...

SwearyG · 12/11/2018 09:38

Passive I know you're upset and you want to set the record straight about what he's saying but by responding you're just prolonging the abuse. Disengage for the morning and find an absorbing but not too complex task to do at work. Can you turn your phone off until lunchtime? No good will come of waiting for his next deflective tirade.

fuzzywuzzy · 12/11/2018 09:38

Ffs OP message him back, since you moved in my bills have gone up by double so I’ve been subsidising you to the I’ve of £2k a month. you Haven’t contributed anything near that much to be living with me.
Pick your stuff up 7pm tonight, I’ll hve everything bagged and outside the door. Have a nice life sponging your mum.

Regnamechanger · 12/11/2018 09:38

He's telling you who he is. The more you engage with him the more he's going to be emotionally manipulating you. If he was a decent man you wouldn't have needed to ask. Keep reminding yourself of that. Think also of how things will progress if you were to put him in a position where he did think he was entitled to a say. How do you think he's going to treat your child as the years go on?

My next text would be "There is nothing more to say. If you even need to ask these questions you're not the right man to be in my life. I've packed your stuff, come and collect it tonight."

And I'd be tempted to get the locks changed today before he gets back. He'd be planning to get in the house and berate you for hours on how unreasonable and unfair you are.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 12/11/2018 09:39

Don't try and make him understand it, if he did he would already be contributing fairly. Send him back to his mum. Is she a nice person, cos I would be contacting her to let her know exactly why her son would be returning before he gets a chance to say how crazy and unreasonable you are being.

NRPDad · 12/11/2018 09:39

Send a final message and kill off the conversation OP. Or you'll end up 20-30 more messages being sent with lots of mean/confusing/irritating stuff being raised which will only make you more angry and sad.

Onwards and upwards. You sound like you have a good set up for you and your son, and are sensible and level-headed. Lots of guys would love to be with someone like you and when you're ready you can search again and find one.

Original poster
Passive1 · 12/11/2018 09:39

So glad I came back to mumsnet to ask this question, I was starting to think that I am being unreasonable because of his completely lack of understanding

OP posts:
Regnamechanger · 12/11/2018 09:39

"Tell him that you feel he is refusing to see that legally he has moved in, since this does not seem to be how he views it, if this relationship is to continue then you need to step it all backwards and go back to dating and he goes home each night.
NO sex..."
FFS, why would this relationship continue? And what are you saying, blackmail him into paying with sex??

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 12/11/2018 09:40

I appreciate that you are trying to make him see your (absolutely valid) point of view, Passive1 but that ship has sailed. I wouldn’t bother. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. Until now, his mum or the marines have put a roof over his head, he simply doesn’t get that paying for a few nights out isn’t what a mature relationship looks like, especially when you’re cohabiting. Your comments might be helpful for future girlfriend but right now, he’s not in the same place as you and the gap between your expectations is very, very large.

UnicornSlaughters · 12/11/2018 09:41

He was perfectly happy with the arrangement until you asked him to pay his way. That's the fundamental basics.

I'm sorry OP, what a waste of space he's turned out to be.

EdisonLightBulb · 12/11/2018 09:41

He's gone from his mother's home to the military to his mother's home where everything has been done and paid for, for him.

He needs a few home truths.

WowCrabby · 12/11/2018 09:42

He sounds awful. He is trying to upset you and deflect from his own shabby behaviour. I think it tells you all you need to know. He's manipulative and unpleasant.

I would split up with him. You shouldn't chose someone like that to have in you and your sons life.

Regnamechanger · 12/11/2018 09:42

The thing that would bother me most, and that for me would have already killed the relationship dead - is what he's said about your parenting. Speaking from experience, you really don't want to find out what it's like to bring in a man who thinks your child hasn't been disciplined properly.

Whocansay · 12/11/2018 09:42

Passive1, of course he can see it. He just doesn't want to pay and would rather leech off you.

I'm so sorry. He's an utter shit.

UnicornSlaughters · 12/11/2018 09:43

What's Drapers said, absolutely.

Does he have any idea how much bills are, and how much food shopping can add up? He is the pure definition of Man Child. He's never had to do anything on his own.

crimsonlake · 12/11/2018 09:43

Please do not engage with him any further, he is not worth it, can you not see that? I am fuming on your behalf, he does not deserve any more of your attention.

Roussette · 12/11/2018 09:44

Seeing this exchange... his texts... it seems to me that whilst he wasn't paying it was less permanent in his eyes. If he started to pay he would officially be living with you. Pathetic.

I think his texts are really mean. You said he was there all the time apart from a couple of nights a month, yet he has avoided contributing because he isn't living with you, in his eyes he's 'staying over'.

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 12/11/2018 09:45

Sending you strength he’s a massive Cocklodger!
Any chance you have an understanding boss and can take the day off? I’d call his mum and stick all his stuff in a taxi and get the locks changed x Flowers

AhNowTed · 12/11/2018 09:45

Wow he actually thinks you should be 'grateful' for the odd meal out.

Whilst sitting on his hands at the checkout and paying not a brass razzoo for the bills and lifestyle that you afford him.

His entire outlay is a poxy £200 to his mum and the odd dinner.

I will put up with many things but never a tightwad. And a manipulative one at that.

Kazzyhoward · 12/11/2018 09:46

I’m disappointed that he hasn’t taken any of my increasingly obvious hints. Talking about money is never easy.

However hard, direct talk is far better than making hints. Ideally, you should have started having the money conversation months ago. I.e. when he started spending most nights there, you could have mentioned that you're single council tax discount would be lost so he'd have to pay the difference, or you should have taken him with you for your "big" shop and asked him to contribute seeing as he'd be eating some of the extras you were buying and his washing meant you had to buy more washing powder. No, I'm not blaming you in any way, but I've always found "hints" are not the right way of dealing with important issues - the right way is sorting things out as and when they happen to avoid little things escalating.

Roussette · 12/11/2018 09:47

I would say...

'Perhaps when you've lived on your own, paid bills, food, utilities, car, council tax etc, you would know what you're talking about. You don't. You never have. Buying the odd £30 meal for me does not equate to the ££££ I spend subsidising you. This conversation is best left.

randomonhere · 12/11/2018 09:48

Yes text his mum and ask her if she’s home today so you can send his stuff in a taxi. Tell her why as well. She should be ashamed of having a son like that. Or maybe she thought he was treating you and your son properly - in which case, she can tell him a few home truths.

MoveOnTheCards · 12/11/2018 09:49

What a dick.

You managed before this manchild started sponging off you OP, you’ll be fine without him!

I agree with the PP who suggested you stop texting him now, it’s not making you feel any better.

I would put his stuff in bin bags and either drop it off at his mum’s or leave it outside for him to collect and change the locks.