... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Half would be fair...
But if not...
Take away difference between one bed and two bed in rent... £100 a month..
You say food was £40 a week, so £100 a month for your sons food needs...
So. Your bills. £2000 a month food included... Take £200 off that. £1800 so £900 each a month...

But to be honest. He won't step up..

Also you would lose, credits ect..
Also tell him should he agree you have an account for bills.

People forget you have furnished a home, have a car... Will he pay you half for all that he gets for free?

Do him a favour and just dump him, he is throwing his toys out as you have asked him a reasonable request. Any decent partner would not be taking advantage like this. Not so nice is he. Cut and run passive he is showing you who he really is, and it isen't nice at all.

@Passive1 this is very defensive behaviour from him, he knows he has been caught and called out on behaviour that is not OK and is deflecting. This is completely him and not you.

I'm so sorry he's being such a massive twat to you. Fellow single parent here (7 years), I've dating a few men in my time who seem really lovely and normal at first but then it turns out they really just want to find a women to mother them. He sounds like one of those. His history - being looked after at home by his mum to being under military routines to back with his mum - would certainly point in this direction.

You are so much better than him. You sound wonderful and capable and definitely above supporting a man child through life when you already have a child of your own xx

It sounds to me as if he was mighty satisfied with the arrangement he had. He spends every night eating, sleeping being in the warmth with his gf. For this he doesn't pay a penny. She then asks for a contribution and he's panicking as he really really doesn't want to pay anything. Once he pays he sees it as more permanent and I don't think he actually wants that. It doesn't matter why he doesn't want it, it could be your DS, it could be he's just a cock lodger, or emotionally immature. He wants to stay every night but doesn't want to live with you permanently and he's using your little boy as the get out. I do hope you find the strength to finish things with him, I don't think it would bode well if he paid his way and lived with you. I think your DS would be the one to maybe suffer

I agree don’t engage in texting him other than to tell him his bags are ready for collection on doorstep.

The CF is making out you wanted him to take you and ds on when reality is he chose to move in ( by stealth) and live for free. There’s nothing wrong with your parenting (who is he to judge you on that anyway?)
He’s pissed off now because his free ticket has expired.

Just shows he was the lovely person he was only for as long as he was getting what he wanted.

Well done for listening to your gut instinct and posting here about him.

Morning, OP. Just seen your update. What an awful reaction and text to receive. Sorry to hear that.

He was happy to live with you for free and and overlook what he saw as your supposedly faulty parenting style and 'spoilt child' when it was free, gratis and for nothing, but not if he has to pay anything?! What an absolute user. This has shown him in his true colours - and probably a good thing too, before you got too deeply involved financially.

I believe you said at an earlier stage you felt this might end the relationship - seems like you were right. You could go back to just seeing each other a couple of times a week on dates, but if that's what he really feels, you know there is little or no future in it. (And if it's not and it's just a ruse to avoid contributing anything, that's also a huge red flag.) You and your son deserve better.

Ahhh shit OP, am sorry to read your update.

You need to be clear with him that the issue is subsidising his lifestyle at your expense. I would probably just text back that you need some time to think, it's all been going too fast and actually he's right, he isn't ready to step into or up to family life. I would also point out that your son is not a burden to you, nor do you struggle, you manage just fine and will continue to do so. The issue isn't parenting your child, you haven't asked for help with that, you have simply asked for him to formalise his living arrangements by contributing financially to the benefits he receives from staying with you rather than his mam.

Don't back down, don't say just come over a few nights a week as it will end up being 4 nights, then 5, then 6 then every night and you will be too scared to raise it.

Have a week apart and see how you feel. I bet you find the calm and quiet and tine 1 to 1 with your boy much better than having an entitled cocklodger cluttering your sofa up.

He is not a nice man op!

@Passive1 (that’s how you tag, btw)

I’m sorry you’ve had a shitty morning. As horrible as that text is, he’s done you a favour. He was a waste of space and he has given you the opportunity to say ‘fair enough, jog on’. This text is his swan song. He knows he is on borrowed time and so wants to have the last word and be the ‘dumper’ not the ‘dumpee’, like a teenager. This isn’t a grown up. Financially or emotionally.

Op you need to take responsibility for your role in this dynamic, yes he’s an entitled shit but why give him so much power? Despite his evasiveness and manipulation you were still giving him options, why?

Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic and you chose pushover. Now the rose tinted glasses are well and truly off, I hope you take the much long overdue opportunity to examine why you felt uncomfortable being your own advocate. This man is not the first chancer you will come across and you cannot hope that you won’t come across more of them, especially if you give out a signal that screams pushover because that is a beacon for chancers.

At least he's showing his return colours now op

Ohhh the "not normal" accusation. Yeah, cos he is so very well versed in what is and isn't normal for a relationship. Reply that yes, you don't understand how this has gone from a conversation about fair share of costs to him slagging off your parenting. Then tell him to collect his stuff and stop engaging with him.

OP. I dont see the point in carrying on with this conversation. You deserve better.

In addition to everything else, he has not been doing anything around the house (if I have read the updates correctly). So, he is eating through your food, but not lifts a finger to help cook that good, clean the place or do his washing?

I really think you can do better.

@Xenia I don’t think this man cares about op’s child. He clearly does not wish to pay his way. If he did he wouldn’t be living with his mum and then living for free with OP.

OP hardly brought her dc out this morning going tada I’ve got a child and now you must also pay your living expenses (£600 imo doesn’t actually accurately reflect expenses of a grown man anyway).

He has been fine to be living with op and be in a relationship with her for this long knowing she has a dc. The only change today is op outright asked him to pull his weight financially.

He’s a cocklodger

I'm another one who thinks you need to ask yourself whether you actually want him to move in. This really is too important a thing for it to happen by accident.

I'm also of the view that if you live together, he should be paying 50%. Your child isn't part of the financial equation, when it comes to rent, car, utilities and council tax.
I think the fact that he hasn't felt mortified that you had to bring it up, is worrying. A charitable view is that he just doesn't 'get' how expensive life is, but if I'm honest I think he figures you'd be paying rent anyway so he might as well benefit from that and he's quite happy to freeload when it comes to the car and food.

If it was me, I'd make him move back in with his mum until he grows up!

Cross posted with your update about your own reply. Time to just disengage, pack up his stuff and thank your lucky stars you haven't invested any more time and money on him.

I’d dro his stuff at his mums and change my locks, tbh. I wouldn’t want him over my threshold again. He moved himself in without even discussing it with you,

He’s horrible and mean.

I don't think he's that. I think he's just not grown up yet - still a child in a man's body. He's never had to stand on his own two feet - mum, forces, mum, you - he's just immature who's used to being looked after. There are loads of them around, facilitated by their mums who won't make them step up to adulthood and mature responsibilities.

(Sorry for typos)

I bet your loo roll usage rocketed too OP.

I’m sat at my desk in tears I honestly cannot believe he can’t see this. I am embarrassed for him!

I just sent this:
I don’t think you have any idea how hard I have had to work to have the things I have now. I have sacrificed so much to have my home and a comfortable life for me and [my son]. It’s painful that you take that so much for granted, that you think living with us while I pay for all the food, disposables and bills which have all increased (aside from the rent which I would be paying anyway) is evened out because you pay when we go out. I’m in absolute disbelief. I pay when we go out too! I’ve also bought you things because I’ve want to. You’re my boyfriend and that’s what people do in a relationship, but I absolutely doesn’t cancel out all the basic costs.
How can you even think like this?!

His text makes no sense (he has already moved in!) and your parenting has got nothing to do with whether he should pay for his living costs.

I think this is well beyond calculating a reasonable contribution, I don't think he ever intended to contribute. By the way, when I asked my BF to leave because he would not contribute, we carried on as a couple for a few more years but it was doomed and I wish I had not wasted my time.

“This is completely him and not you...”

Absolutely this!!

Don’t get gaslighted by this nonsense OP.

Text him this -

“You are a grown man. Sort yourself out before you impact my life. Every £ I subsidise you, is a £ taken from my child. I should not have to tell you this. It’s blatantly obvious. My food bill has more than doubled. You know this and don’t pretend you don’t. There is a word for men like you. Your excuses don’t wash, so don’t bother. It is an insult. Find some self-respect. Bye.”

Well. That escalated quickly.