... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

I'm so sorry OP, I think it's over (or it needs to be). I think he's trying to scare you with his 'doubts' so that you won't pursue the money thing. Bringing your son into it and criticising your parenting is awful. Really awful.

What he's saying, I think, is that he's happy to play happy families but not prepared to take on any responsibility in that family - not financially and not practically. I think you need to seriously consider ending it for your own self-esteem. I know this is your first serious relationship for a while, but you don't need this. I really think that even if you get past it for now, he's shown his true colours. I'm so sorry.

Oh OP, I can almost feel how you will be feeling this morning! I have been on the end of manipulation like this and spent all night awake and then groggy, upset and disorientated the next day after a disagreement.

You have your home, your son and a nice life by the sounds of it. If you think this relationship could be good for you and your son, perhaps rewind a little and go back to dating. If and when you decide to move into together, do it with plans for the stuff that you know you might end up disagreeing over ( e.g. finances, parenting and chores etc)

Only from what I’ve read here, I’m not sure he’s a man worthy of you and your son! Not yet anyway. Sounds like he needs some time to become independent. It’s better for him to do this now because I can tell you the story, from personal experience, of what happens if you persevere with your current situation:

You feel the need to do everything because he just doesn’t and is evasive and vague in his attitude. He then starts to resent the fact he is incapable and useless in many ways. In my exH’s situation, he had never lived alone or done much for himself. Straight from his mum’s house to mine. He then start to blame you for emasculating him and becomes even more manipulative and emotionally abusive.

I know it’s a negative story! And I know that not every man is like this, because I now have an amazing partner. But it’s a word of warning. Wishing you the best of everything.

Yes, massive deflection. Let's blame you for your parenting instead of examine why I can't act like an adult.

Shameful.

I am sorry it hasn’t worked out for you. But better to find out now than later when your son may be more attached to him. He hasn’t addressed your question at all. He wants a free ride in life and he is better off with his mum till he grows up.
Concentrate on ur little boy and ur career. You were doing a great job before he came and will carry on doing a great job with him gone.

He’s deflecting attention from his shorty behaviour by completely changing the subject.

Pack his stuff up and tell him it will be outside the door for him to collect (whenever is convenient for you).

Make sure you have your keys back house and car.

Also in future when you’re in a relationship discuss finances right from the start. Lay down expectations. Split everything 50:50 I bet you your outgoibgsjave rocketed since this man moved in not just groceries but gas, electricity, you lose your single persons discount on your council tax bill etc.
T
Stop feeling embarrassed for not wanting to be a mug. It’s a transaction you live here you pay your way. Why is that embarrassing? He should be embarrassed to be sponging off you and your child.

How can "the problem" be your child? How could his existence conceivably stop your partner putting his hand in his pocket? As pp have said, this is nothing but a diversion tactic.

How about a full-on text back:

"It's blatantly obvious you're trying to divert the discussion from what the real problem is, namely your constant evasion of the fact that you are living off me financially. Do you have anything to say about that, or are you going to try to evade the point again?"

OP- you are better than this.

Don't indulge in the dialogue any further. You saw his true colours. Granted, it's not what you wanted, but you know now.

When you're feeling rubbish, think about all the additional $$$ you'll have for you and DC.

Sorry it's been rough for you

He is what Mumsnet call a cocklodger. Your parenting would not have been an issue, if you had not asked him to pay his way. He wanted you to keep him, whilst saving his money and feathering his own nest. You may feel upset now, but he has done you a huge favour, and shown you who he really is. He was lovely, because you are supporting him, think about it, and saving him a lot of money.

For those not wanting to read a few pages bnack
"This has taken a horrible unexpected turn.
He just text me this:
The barrier is you have a small child who you let walk all over you. And I’ve spent so much time recently watching you shout at him then two seconds later giving him treats. I don’t have any say in it obviously- I’m not a parent. But it is a huge factor. And maybe not one I’m currently prepared for. I thought I was, but now I’m not sure. If we are to move in together there would be 3 of us. Not just two like most people are accustomed to the first time they move in with someone. The problem is you expect me to seamlessly adopt this new life- because obviously you had to. But it’s difficult for me".

I don't think that is a particularly unfair text. I don't think he wants a girl friend with a child and that's fine. Lots of people don't want that so at least he is being fair, polite and honest. It is hard enough in a couple agreeing how strict to me never mind doing it as the boyfriend of a mother with a child.

So I would respond with something like - "it looks like you do not want to continue the relationship which is a shame. However if you do want to continue as now then I will need £500 a month to reflect my extra costs when you stay, extra food, petrol etc. If you want to take things more slowly you could rent a room near where I live and we could take it from there. It does not seem to be working out from either side with you virtually living with me."

Send him a text or an email with a date to start putting money in your account. £600 sounds low but a start.
He isn't your child or your responsibility. You say he is very good to you and your son. I can do the same and move in with you for nothing? I always wanted to live in London. Is that reasonable? I don't think so.
You are great to him but I'm afraid you are his second Mum until he gets upgraded to partner.
Either he lives with you or he doesn't but either way he needs to start paying his dues.

Wipe those tears, hopefully you’ve learned a very valuable lesson. If you have doormat stamped on your forehead, don’t be surprised when someone wipes their feet. He used you because you he’s not a nice guy and you were open to in.

Move forward by focusing less on the shit he was and more on fixing the pushover you were because the next time you come upon a chancer like this, he shouldn’t even get second look.

In addition, even though his comments about your parenting was an obvious deflection, given your dynamic with this guy it could be that some of the unhealthy habits you demonstrated in your romantic relationship, could be being played out in your parenting dynamic.

I’m sorry. He’s simply used your child as a scapegoat to deflect any blame on himself and to try and get out of having to put his hand in his pocket. At least you know this now before you got any further involved with him. Don’t let him soft talk you later, he’s no intention of paying his fair share in this and probably never did have. He’s the ultimate definition of a cocklodger.

That text is shitty shitty shitty shitty.

You have done very well this morning OP. I know it's dreadful for you, but you have been a proper adult this morning and you should be holding your head up.

What an awful man. How low to blame a small child for his tight-fisted cocklodgerness. As others have said, complete deflection.

I know it’s hard but I would be glad he has shown you his true colours.

For me after that last message, it would be over. He’s a using twat! My reply would be something along the lines of:
My child is not a barrier and regardless of what you now say think of my parenting it doesn’t deflect from the fact that you have been happy enough to stay here every night for the past few months eating our food, using our electric, water and gas, as well as my car and petrol without contributing any money despite being asked.
Quite telling also that you were prepared to be around myself and my child when we were paying for the privilege but suddenly are not sure if it’s what you’re ready for now that you’ve been asked to step-up and contribute as an adult. You can collect your stuff on xx date.

You and your child deserve better

DEFLECTING ATTENTION FROM NOT PAYING TO LIVE WITH YOU BY 'REMINDING' YOU THAT YOU WERE SHOUTING THEN SPOILING YOUR SON.

WOW!!

What kind of a person does that?!

He's shown you everything you need to know. Well done for sorting this early on before he drags you and your son down. See you friends soon and chat with them. You'll get over him.

I agree with the pp above. It isn't so terrible a text (ignoring the dig at your parenting).

The key is "If we are to move in together" - in his eyes, he hasn't yet, as he isn't paying anything. Now he is being asked to consider paying, he is seeing the reality of living together.

Of course, it all depends what you want OP. I'd find this hard to come back from, but we are not all the same. If you want the relationship to continue, I would probably text something along the lines that "we ARE living together, to all intents and purposes, and there is a financial consideration in this for me. You are right that there are three of us, so it would be fair for you to contribute approximately one third, which would be £xxx, (adjust for extra food/council tax). If you feel that you need to take a step back, then as I suggested, come over once or twice a week."

But if you've had enough, tell him so and make a clean break! (Which is probably what I would do).

OP I have just read this whole thread. I wanted to say you sound like such a lovely woman. You are working full-time, doing a Masters and a single mum. I am in totally awe of you for that. It takes determination, self-confidence and integrity.

HOW DARE HE CRITICISE YOUR PARENTING.

HOW DARE HE USE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR OWN CHILD TO DEFLECT FROM HIS OWN PATHETIC BEHAVIOUR.

Sorry to shout, but reading his reaction made my blood boil.

I’m sure this is very hurtful to you because none of us want to see the worst in people we love it are attached to. But sometimes the writing is on the wall. Hold your head high OP because you are better than this. You know that, right?

Let me tell you something - most men would think you are amazing. They would actively WANT to treat you on dates, etc. They wouldn’t dream of being a further drain on a single mum with a child. They would get themselves set up financially, with their own place and standing in their own two feet before they even presumed to impact on your life. There is a child involved here fgs!!

As PP say, you have dodged a bullet. I’m so sorry, but think about it this way - you have saved your son from the influence of this w**r. The future is brighter. We live and learn. One day you will meet someone who actually wants to take care of YOU, not sponge off you like a cockroach. I really do wish you and your son all the best.

To be honest coming and staying at yours and being fed and using all your resources have him a good deal , not paying allowed him to keep one foot out the door so he didn’t have to commit to you in any way and could take off when he felt like it .hes not someone I’d have moving on with my child .

I wish I could show screetshots, it’s going from bad to worse!!!

So the times I took you out and paid for it? You seem to think I haven’t put my hand in my pocket. Which is beyond ungrateful. If you wanted me to help with the rent that would’ve obviously been the way forward if we had agreed to move in together. I have to say I’m absolutely astonished you could say this sort of thing and believe it.
What’s even more shocking is we can go from last night to this morning in the blink of an eye. It’s not normal

(That’s his last message)

Jesus OP so in his mind he hadn’t moved in despite staying every night eating all your food and you doing his washing ? It clearly shows he hadn’t committed to you in his mind .

I’m so upset. How can this conversation be happening? How can he honestly think this is okay?

Here’s my reply:
You’re missing a couple of fundamental things there -

1. I pay when we go out too. We both do nice things for each other
2. obviously it costs me more to have you living with me
3. you have pretty much moved in already and have bulked now that I have suggested it isn’t financially fair We have gone from last night to this because you indicated that you were living with us, you acknowledged that it isn’t fair, and yet you made no effort to resolve it, despite knowing how heavily it was weighing on my mind

You know what, I would actually thank your lucky stars he sent that text because it’s a blessing in disguise. He’s telling you exactly the type of arsehole he is, and that long term he will never be any sort of step parent to your child. You and your child deserve better. You don’t need him in your life. There are plenty of nice men out there who would jump at the chance to be part of a loving, supportive family unit - I met and married one! And if you end up single or are single for a while too that’s absolutely fine. You don’t need your sense of worth damaged by this sorry excuse for a man.

Reply with all the times you e taken him out and paid, and all the food, tell him how much your food bill has gone up each week, couple of meals out doesn’t cover that. Then I’d say it’s nothing to do with the money and everything to do with his never offering and you having to ask that’s the problem. He’s trying to make this your fault. He’s horrible and mean.

Don't engage any further with him. He's angry at being asked something reasonable and all he's doing now is causing you hurt. He's shown you who he is - pay attention.

I would be grateful for the early warning and the easy exit in your position. Say he can collect his stuff at a convenient time to you (and don't you dare wash any of his clothes - give them to him grubby).