... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

That text is awful.

You ask that he pays his way, he repeatedly refuses to engage with you about it and instead comes out with ‘we’re a team’ and ‘you’re a shit parent’ to deflect from putting his hand in his pocket!

This man is not a keeper.

I’d want to talk about it before chucking him out for God’s sake

You can't chuck someone out who doesn't live there.

I think Heron might be CL's mum, terrified of him being at home full-time again.

Get out now. This man is not worth any more of your time.

His text is laughable.

You have a problem in your relationshp (he doesn't pay his way). You gently bring it up countless times. He takes no notice. You bring it uip more forcefully.

He ignores that and criticises you and how you bring up your little boy.

I really don't think I could move on from that. But having had tight was BFs in the past who counted every penny, and thankfully married for decades to the most generous man imaginable, it touches a nerve with me.

He won't change.

I mean of course ask HIM to leave YOUR home and end the relationship

@Heron How many more times does the OP have to try to get him to talk about it before she should call it a day then? Because I can see her having tried several times and he just said "I agree" and not engage in a discussion and when she really pushed him, he fed her shit about her son.

Heron: IMO you don’t love someone and let them suffer the full weight of the bills, shopping dinners out while you sleep in their bed every night. He isn’t 10, he knows things cost money and he earns a fairly good salary too! It’s called having ones cake and eating it.

Text him back...
We're obviously Not A Team, so maybe you'd like to pay back the money you've borrowed off me, £20 for boxing, £80 cash, oh and the £400 extra in food I've had to buy over the last few months

Do not text him back. Do not get into a tit for tat conversation with him. Do not cry either. He isn't worth your tears. You have now dodged a massive bullet. He is an arse of a man. Change your locks (do not just ask him for the key back - he might copy it - dumped men can get very angry). If you do text or say anything, just calmly say, this isn't working for me any more, arrange to collect your things. Never let this happen again. Your independence and your financial independence is precious, as is your home and your child. Never let a cock lodging man shark in again in this way. Stay safe whilst you untangle yourself from this mess.

p.s. I'm sorry you are upset, that is understandable, but please do pat yourself on the back for tackling this head on. You knew it wasn't right. You didn't bury it. You are a strong woman and will come back from this.

It hurts, but that text has done you a huge favour. How dare he. Get rid. He doesn't meet minimal partner or potential step-father criteria.

I would ask, What does my parenting style have to do with me subsidising your existence? Can we stick to the point? The issue is you are using me for free lodging, free food, free cooking/laundry, free car. These issues do not involve my son. What do you think you are contributing to this 'team' apart from extra expense and workload for me? What you accuse my son of is what you have been doing to me, until now, walking all over me and yet I continue to give you treats. I will continue to parent my son as I see fit, however I have no desire to parent a grown man who shows me so little respect so your days of walking all over me are finished. I need an equal partner in my life not a chancer looking for an easy ride. Do not come to my place again until you are invited.

If he's moved in (essentially), eats your food, drives your car etc then of course you're not unreasonable to expect him to pay his way!

I'd split everything three ways - you cover yourself and your child and he pays his 3rd. Just say to him you've costed it all out and this is the total for his share for x, y and z. Here's your bank account details and can he set up a DD for the first of every month? Thanks!

He obviously needs specific instructions or all you'll get is a vague 'fine'...

He is deflecting and blaming you so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

Those saying he doesn't understand due to military forget that men do not allow each other to be treated as a mug with money. They are cery upfront with who's turn it is buy a round or pay for something.

I am so sorry Op but he isnt the good man you thought he was. Please don't bend over backwards to make this work.

He is not right for you and that is not your fault as you deserve much better.

@QuizzlyBear RTFT

Wow massive MASSIVE deflection technique going on there. He’s basically turned the argument onto something else, something as emotive as he can possible fine ie your dc, and moved the ACTUAL issue right out of sight.

Firstly he didn’t seem to have any issue with your dc when you paid for everything! Secondly, what do your parenting skills have to do with him not paying his way?

When I read the first part if this I thought maybe he just didn’t understand how much it cost to live as he’d gone from mum, to marines, to you. I now think he actually does, and is a lively person when he’s getting what he wants, but is perfectly happy to bring you dc into a disagreement when things aren’t going his way. HUGE red flag I’m afraid. Get out whilst you can.

He's trying to deflect the money issue, regardless of how he thinks you parent he still should be paying his share.

I'd be having a friend round while he collects his stuff..I'd be making sure I wasn't on my own with him while it ends...bag his things up,and drop them at his mums if possible,..or if not have someone with you when he collects...you will need to change the locks..move swiftly before you wobble and give him another chance.

When I read your OP I was going to ask if you actually made a conscious decision that you wanted to cohabit with this man. Because you did sound very passive in this.

Having read the rest of the thread, I think it would be a mistake to let him move in with you and your DS.

That text was despicable, deliberately designed to wound and completely unnecessary.

It would be the final red flag for me. This is not a man you want anywhere near your child.

Forgive if I misread. I had thought the subject of him paying was newish. I did also thinking it were me I would never have left it without actually sitting down and sorting figures and account details etc. Seemed to me both had let it lie a bit. Obviously he’s misbehaved and op has done nothing wrong. I really do think both are stressed and adjusting and haven’t talked anything through. His text was crap. Red flags ahoy. Maybe it’s just me but I have misbehaved (and been misbehaved to) before stopping and talking and being open about things.

There's no way back from blaming your child ....he had no intention of playing fair,he was out for what he could take

OP, you've dodged a bullet. Imagine what he'd have been like if he started to pay his way. Your poor son would have paid the price.

Painful as it is, be glad that he has told you early on who he really is, and walk away with your head held high. You deserve so much better.