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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or has DP been a twat

289 replies

Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 14:56

DP works nights but came home last night at midnight as there was an issue at work, he woke me up to ask me to set an alarm on my phone for very early morning so he didn't miss football (he plays every Sunday, straight after he gets off work) then proceeded to keep me up until gone 1:00am. He couldn't use his own alarm apparently, as his phones playing up.

I have a baby at home and am pregnant so need whatever sleep I can get at the moment.

He stays up watching TV until gone 2, disturbing me again when he came to bed then proceeded to keep me up for the remainder of the night with his snoring. I then get woken again by his stupid alarm going off on my phone.

He goes to football this morning and calls after the match to say he's just finishing an after match pint (uncommon for him so no problem there) and do I want to meet him in town in 25 minutes after I've collected a parcel, so we can take DS to the park and grab some dinner.

I collect the parcel and go to town, standing about with the pram for over half an hour. I text him to say I'm here then he rings and says he'll be another hour because his team mate has got him another pint, but it's not his fault because he didn't ask for it.

I say well what do you want me to do then? He replies that it's up to me. Irritated and tired I hung up and came home.

AIBU and hormonal or has he acted like a twat.

OP posts:
Glasshalffull99 · 11/11/2018 17:26

I'd lock door and leave key in so he can't get it. Stupid twat!

MaMaMaMySharona · 11/11/2018 17:27

Can you order a takeaway, run yourself a bath, turn on some relaxing music and double lock the front door?

ScandiEngineer · 11/11/2018 17:28

I'd be furious. This is something stbexh would do!

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 17:28

I recall ages ago him saying it's not unusual for the football lot to sit in the pub all day after a match, so hopefully that's all it is.

It's not excusable the way he's gone about it though and I wouldn't like to be him when he gets home because I'm going to go batshit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 17:29

@MaMaMaMySharona made myself a cuppa and contemplating a bath, just struggling to get into that "relax" mindset

OP posts:
Original poster
Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 17:33

How would you ladies deal with his return, if be bothers coming back tonight?

Do I ignore him or give him both barrels

OP posts:
MaMaMaMySharona · 11/11/2018 17:34

In my head I’d want to pretend I wasn’t that pissed off - like I hadn’t risen to his pathetic behaviour. But in reality I’d go absolutely mental

letsdolunch321 · 11/11/2018 17:35

If you know any of his football mates can you call/text them?

He knows he is in the dog house so he is thinking may as well stay here till the last person of the footie guys leaves

Eliza9917 · 11/11/2018 17:35

With a locked door.

ohfourfoxache · 11/11/2018 17:36

Whatever you would normally do, do the opposite. He won’t expect it.

Sorry but he’s a monumental wankbadger and I think it may well be the end for me. Without trust, what have you got?

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 17:36

I'm going to struggle to contain myself.

I have to drag poor DS out to the shop now to get some dummies, it's his bath time and then bed but he never sleeps without a dummy and has spent ages looking for it.

It doesn't look likely that 'D'P is going to acknowledge the text about picking some up and bother.

OP posts:
MaMaMaMySharona · 11/11/2018 17:38

Although - if he’s drunk I’d suggest telling him you won’t speak to him about it until the next day when he’s sober, and spend the meantime working out how to explain how his actions made you feel and how worried you’ve been.

He needs to understand point by point that spending the afternoon with his mates isn’t an issue, but treating you like a throwaway person who can just hang around and then be ditched, and then be left to worry all afternoon when you get upset about it is absolutely not on!

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 17:38

@letsdolunch321 I only know them to say hello to in passing, when we've bumped into some of them at the shops or wherever. I don't know them personally or know their surnames as DP never socialises with them outside of football

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 11/11/2018 17:38

As in, if you would normally shout, be silent and cold. If you’re normally silent and cold then scream your head off.

Either way he should either be shifted to the sofa or told to stay with friends

user1467718508 · 11/11/2018 17:38

If it helps any, DH just told me that there's 'loads of great games on today, back to back', so my guess is he's holed up in the pub having a nice time watching the football, and figures that whilst he's already in the shit he might as well have another drink and put off facing your wrath.

Can you watch a film, treat yourself to a nice dinner, relax in the bath?

Get an early night and give him a serious talk tomorrow about how disrespectful he's been.

Thanks
Mouseville65 · 11/11/2018 17:40

Providing he is in fact in the pub with the lads I wouldn't kick him out or end the relationship but I would make sure it's abundantly clear that I you will not tolerate this behaviour.

I wish I could be one of those 'calm yet stern' women but I'd go mental and he would be on the sofa.

Hope your ok op x

RCohle · 11/11/2018 17:40

I agree that he knows he was a complete twat to stand you up and since you'll be pissed of anyway he may as well stay in the pub.

Tistheseason17 · 11/11/2018 17:40

He's an arse.
Personally, I wouldn't speak to him fully tonight - he may well be drunk.

If he's not then.. He'd get a few grunts out of me. And when he says, "what's wrong" I'd respond, "I am very unhappy about what has happened today. Your lack of respect for me and your children and not putting us first has given me a lot to think about" and "I think perhaps you want to be a single man and not have the responsibility of loving your children and their mother - because that is what your behaviour is showing me".

And when he tries to talk or provoke you, say "Now's not a good time, I don't need an argument, I need rest and to think about the future and whether you are in it"

Then I'd say nothing. Let him stew.

His actions speak louder than words.

RebootYourEngine · 11/11/2018 17:41

If it was me in this situation I would go balistic at him but that is maybe not the best way to behave.

TakeMeToKernow · 11/11/2018 17:43

Flowers breathe out, OP. I think what condition he comes home in will affect how/when you discuss this.

Assuming this is just a poor decision by him to stay in the pub, what do you think you'd like him to do/how to apologise? If you know, tell him

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 17:44

I feel like chopping a great hole in his football top (they have two strips, the one he has with him and another colour hung up in the wardrobe for away games) that'll show him what I think of his bloody football day.

@plantingandpotting thank you I had no idea there were multiple games on today back to back, I suppose that would explain the team mates wanting to hang around in the pub all day, it's just so unusual for DP to follow suit.

If he's waxed a load of money I'll be even less impressed as we're supposed to be stringently saving atm ahead of Christmas.

My plan is go to the shop, bath DS, have one myself then wait for him to get back then club him over the head with something find something on the telly to distract me.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/11/2018 17:44

Can you get to your mums if not I would simply put bedding down on the sofa and not talk about it at all - he wont be able too
I imagine this is a panic about the impending birth and its caused him to act out. The thing is just doing it without warning is not good and I think you do need to get boundaries in place

Lizzie48 · 11/11/2018 17:45

I agree with PPs that he's a twat and you'd be better off without him. I'm sorry, though, it's shit. Thanks

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 11/11/2018 17:48

Had he not turned the phone off or forewarned me before it died that he'd be home very late then likely I'd be OK by now and just let him get on with it, he's just adding insult to injury in a string of inconsiderate acts rolling out since last night and he's driving me mad.

Last text I got from him was at ten to two saying he was leaving in ten minutes then radio silence ever since.

OP posts:
Franinipancake · 11/11/2018 17:48

From experience (sadly) I wouldn't waste your breath tonight as he'll be pished and probably totally dismissive of how upset he's made you feel. Drunk folk never give a shit what they've done. I'd wait until tomorrow once he's presumably had a hungover lie-in before talking to him.

Like Sharona said above though: "He needs to understand point by point that spending the afternoon with his mates isn’t an issue, but treating you like a throwaway person who can just hang around and then be ditched, and then be left to worry all afternoon when you get upset about it is absolutely not on!" Because he'll likely do that "what's the fuss about? My battery died and you knew I was watching the footie with my mates". It's not about that, plus if he thought it was important to get a message to you he'd have done so. It's about total disrespect and disregard.

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