Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He said he preferred me slimmer...:-(

242 replies

Autvet · 11/11/2018 07:19

Slept with an old flame this week... after he said he preferred me slimmer and when I painted my nails etc etc ( I’ve put a couple of stone on since last seen him , mostly down to comfort eating if I’m honest as life has been very difficult recently). Now he’s apologetic because I’m upset ! I can’t get over this comment though ... and don’t want to see him again.. it’s really really upset me ... AIBU?:-(((

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 08:38

These threads always cause outrage. But only when it's a woman being told. When it's reversed, the responses are well at least you were honest, you said it gently, he opened it, he needs to man up, what does he want you to do, lie to him?

If however it's like the op, a woman who has been told it's all he's a bastard and he should have lied to you.

I'd rather someone was honest. Then yes, if you decide he's not th person for you then that's fine. I really don't think calling him a cock does anything more than let your deep insecurities about how you look be revealed. He is also possibly thinking luck escape.

Move on. And next time, don't ask if you don't want to know the truth. Because you will always run the risk of the person being honest with you.

TatianaLarina · 13/11/2018 08:51

She didn’t ask Cripsy, she just commented that she felt insecure. He took that as an opportunity to insult her.

Sometimes in life people need reassurance, that’s part of being human.

To take an example from your own posts:

I just think when you are heavily pregnant and you feel like a fat house and swollen, horrible etc, you don’t really need or want someone coming along and pointing out that you are large. You are already aware. Being pregnant doesn’t automatically give people the right to comment on your shape and size - people wouldn’t dream of saying to someone usually “what a big stomach you have”.

Wink
ImpendingDisaster · 13/11/2018 08:59

Tatiana, there's no need for you to go digging up someone's posts from other threads to prove a point. Incidentally, you've failed in any case, because the OP is not pregnant. Obviously.

TatianaLarina · 13/11/2018 09:07

Don’t tell me what to do.

That the OP is not pregnant is irrelevant. My point was that there are times in people’s lives when they feel vulnerable and insecure and need reassurance.

Pregnancy is one, weight gain is another.

It’s makes no odds why a woman is feeling large. Sausage rolls makes the perfectly good point that it’s not as if she doesn’t know so she doesn’t need to be told.

SpecialLittlePrince · 13/11/2018 09:14

OP was fishing for compliments and it backfired. She'll know for next time.

ImpendingDisaster · 13/11/2018 09:22

Don’t tell me what to do.

I'll certainly tell you you're coming over a bit of a stalker.

Unicornandbows · 13/11/2018 09:28

You asked him a specific question and got an honest answer back? Would you be happier if he lied?

I really don't like this double standard where women are allowed to say their oh are fat and should loose weight or now appear unattractive to them yet if a man does the same it's the end of the world.

Everyone is entitled to have their own opinions

TatianaLarina · 13/11/2018 09:45

I'll certainly tell you you're coming over a bit of a stalker.

Nice try.

puzzledlady · 13/11/2018 09:59

You asked he answered and you didn’t like it, don’t fish for compliments next time. As for the childish email you sent (your son words) - that’s your perogative.

crispysausagerolls · 13/11/2018 10:01

Tatiana

Going through my old posts is beyond odd and doesn’t even make the point you think it does! Unsolicited comments by a stranger about my bump obviously don’t compare with a conversation between a sort of couple, where the now offended person started it off.

Perhaps it’s not a nice way to tell someone, but it does sound to me anyway like OP was fishing for a compliment and was told something she didn’t like. When I was pregnant I didn’t go around asking member stuff of my family or my DH if I was fat or anything else because I KNEW I weighed about a metric tonne and didn’t want to either make them feel they had to lie to spare my feelings. We all joke now about what an absolute blimp I was though. Perhaps this guy just didn’t want to lie?

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 10:08

Tatiana what is your opinion then, he should have lied To her, for you this is how you prefer relationships to work?

Brazenhussy0 · 13/11/2018 10:16

Hi OP,
I haven’t read the whole thread just yet but wanted to tell you a little story about the time me and my DP got fat Grin

There were a couple of years near the start of our relationship where we really let ourselves go. We got lazy and overindulged too much (we both love food). It got to the point we were both noticing it on each other and ourselves; joking about bouncing out the front door to the car like weebles and rolling around in bed together like a pair of walruses Grin
Eventually we got our arses in gear, got back to a healthy exercise routine, reeled it in a bit with the food and got back down to healthy weights. We’re both highly active now and at the fittest we’ve ever been, and both of us are much more attractive in our current state than in our previous!

My point is, don’t take it too personally. DP and I got through our fat phase by laughing about it and not shying away from the fact we had both let ourselves get overweight and out of shape. We found it easier to accept it than to hide from it, but not everyone can do that.
Sometimes people get fat, and that’s ok. But it isn’t healthy, and we shouldn’t pretend that we do look just as attractive when we’re less healthy than when we’re at our physical peak. Good health and showing that we make an effort to look after ourselves is attractive to most people.

I don’t think the guy meant to hurt you. But he was very blunt and maybe doesn’t appreciate how low his comments would make you feel. If he’s too direct for you, then he’s likely to hurt you again so it may be that you just aren’t suited to each other.

Brazenhussy0 · 13/11/2018 10:23

And, now I’ve read the whole thread. Should always RTFT before bloody posting.

You’re not even overweight?! He’s just a bit of a bellend then really. Ignore my last post. There is a certain subset of men out there who find nothing over a size 6 attractive Hmm If he's one of those types you're definitely better off without that kind of insane pressure.
As long as you're a healthy weight then all is well in the world and he can fuck right off.

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 13/11/2018 10:31

Unbelievably
Shallow
Twat

Isn’t he a fuckbuddy though? Isn’t shallow, physical attraction sort of the point of the whole thing? Confused

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 13/11/2018 10:32

(That said, I don’t agre with his blurted gobshite uninvited opinion)

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 13/11/2018 10:33

*agree

Loopytiles · 13/11/2018 10:40

The ex was very rude to be negative about your body / non-painted nails. Dick move if he wants to get back together!

Lizzie48 · 13/11/2018 11:30

He's certainly an idiot, I agree, @Loopytiles and he was obviously desperately trying hard to make it up to the OP by finding things to compliment like her nails. And he then said he loved her. Trying too hard, I think.

TatianaLarina · 13/11/2018 11:31

When I was pregnant I didn’t go around asking member stuff of my family or my DH if I was fat

She didn’t ask if she was fat!

You can do a lot of disingenuous squawking about comments from strangers and sexual partners but anyone with half a brain can see the point stands.

When you are vulnerable and need reassurance, having people tell you something negative that you already know is rude and pointless.

TatianaLarina · 13/11/2018 11:36

Tatiana what is your opinion then, he should have lied To her, for you this is how you prefer relationships to work?

Why would he have to lie??

She said a) she felt insecure - please note this is not a question, b) she was worried she would be a disappointment.

So all he has to say is ‘I still find you attractive and I want to have sex with you.’ But if that is not true and he does not find her attractive, then he should not be having sex with her.

In short: if she’s attractive enough to fuck then say so, if she’s too unattractive to fuck then fuck off.

SpecialLittlePrince · 13/11/2018 11:37

Equally, what's the point of bringing it up if you already know? What would you want to hear?

storm11111 · 13/11/2018 12:15

To anybody with a brain they could see that the OP was looking for a bit of reassurance not brutal honesty.

Now the guy has 2 options here, little white lie, i think you're gorgeous and reassure the girl, or bluntly tell the truth because 'if i say something she might revert to my preference' even though i'll hurt her feelings.

Guy went for option 2. Not the nicest move.

theworldistoosmall · 13/11/2018 12:22

This is why unless you are prepared to hear the truth, don't ask other peoples opinions and don't fish for compliments. You might not like what you hear.

And honestly, that email you sent was nasty. You went fishing for compliments, he was truthful and then you sent a childish email.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 12:24

But if that is not true and he does not find her attractive, then he should not be having sex with her

I agree with this, and if she knew he was only into underweight women she shouldn't have been going near him either.

However he didnt say he doesn't find her attractive, simply because he prefers her smaller doesn't mean he doesn't still fancy her heavier.

And call it what you want, looking for reassurance, fishing for a compliment, ultimately your view is he should have lied, hidden the truth about how he felt. And that's subjective. Many prefer a partner to be honest, others want lies. But dress it up as reassurance. Whatever. Each to their own.

theworldistoosmall · 13/11/2018 12:57

Shouldn't the standard be for anyone we fuck that we are honest with each other?
A white lie here there and everywhere is a very slippery slope.