He said he preferred me slimmer...:-(

[Autvet]

Slept with an old flame this week... after he said he preferred me slimmer and when I painted my nails etc etc ( I’ve put a couple of stone on since last seen him , mostly down to comfort eating if I’m honest as life has been very difficult recently). Now he’s apologetic because I’m upset ! I can’t get over this comment though ... and don’t want to see him again.. it’s really really upset me ... AIBU?:-(((

Anyone who thinks all men aren't attracted to overweight women obviously don't spend very long on the internet. IME there is someone for everyone, some men actively seek out overweight women, and some cultures outside of White European encourage weight gain and find ot beautiful.

If you're wondering if it was acceptable to say it after sex, ask yourself whether they would have dared say it before sex....

But he can find her sexy AND still prefer her 2 stone lighter. Op was fishing. He was honest.

OP was looking for reassurance which Is not the same thing at all as fishing. I don’t personally give a fuck what he prefers. His preferences are irrelevant.

How people talk when they’ve been together a long time is totally different to how they would if they were not in a relationship at all.

but it's an unfortunate but well documented fact that men find women with a low waist to hip size ratio more attractive

It’s a fact universally acknowledged that women generally prefer men who are tall, handsome and rich. So fucking what?

I think a lot of times men aren't always very diplomatic and I expect if you hadn't sort of coaxed it out of him, he probably wouldn't have said that at all .. I don't blame you for feeling awful though

I told him I felt very self conscious about how I looked and was worried about being a disappointment.

Yeah that's not the same as asking him and also it's definitely not the time to make someone feel shit about their looks.

There are always fetishes. Look around though at highly successful or famous businessmen, celebs/royalty that have can their pick of women. Slender women are what most straight men desire. It doesn't exclude the correct definition of genuine curves either.

Poor guy was just being honest when it came up but still said he loved her. Don't see what he did wrong.

Women have a similar inherent preference for taller men over shorter men, also thought to be an artifact of evolutionary biology. It' doesn't come up in a context like this because men's heights are quite stable over time. But given a choice, most women would find a man who is six feet tall more attractive than a man who is five feet tall, all other things being equal

I think he was probably aware of her size before he fucked her though really.

So it would like fucking a short guy and then saying you prefer tall men. It would be an asshole move. OIt really doesn't matter if he'd prefer a "better ratio" for 'fertility reasons'. My guess is he wasnt trying to get her pregnant anyway.

As my husband says 'never ever comment on a woman's weight - good or bad'. Tbh don't think saying he likes u wearing lipstick or painting your nails is a bad things - don't all men like a woman dressed up a bit

Yeah that's not the same as asking him and also it's definitely not the time to make someone feel shit about their looks

Yep.

A fat man who only fancies slim women may find himself hoist by his own petard.

Why? Do slim women only fancy slim men? Can slim women not fancy bigger men?

Different people are attracted to different types. Nothing to do with their own body type.

They might they might not.

But if a woman applies the same criteria to a fat man as the fat man does to women he can hardly complain or be surprised.

67% of British men are overweight or obese

I can believe this, and I’d bet that women find them less attractive than the 33% that aren’t overweight.

OIt really doesn't matter if he'd prefer a "better ratio" for 'fertility reasons'. My guess is he wasnt trying to get her pregnant anyway

It’s not a conscious decision to consider fertility; it’s what drives what we (men and women) find attractive and makes us want to have sex.

He was just telling the truth, but it would have been nicer for him to tell a white lie.

You don’t have to see him again OP. He remembers how you used to look. You remember how you used to look. You don’t feel good about yourself now and that’s for you to make peace with or to change. It’s not his job to make you feel better about it I don’t think. He wasn’t cruel or critical. He thought you were asking for his honest opinion and gave it. You don’t have to like it but he didn’t have to lie.

But if a woman applies the same criteria to a fat man as the fat man does to women he can hardly complain or be surprised.

Your not even making sense. Some men (of any build) don't find bigger women attractive. Some do. Same for women.

Being over weight doesn't mean you can't be with some of a smaller build.

Well he sounds like he has all the tact of a turnip. Is there much point in seeing him again, will you be able to relax with him, feel comfortable with intimacy knowing he preferred how you were before. If you lose weight, do it for you, always the best way.

Your not even making sense. Some men (of any build) don't find bigger women attractive. Some do. Same for women.

What you mean is you didn’t understand it.

A fat man who prefers slim women will some if not most of those slim women prefer slim men. So his own values may be weighed against him.

I'm slightly confused what the relationship is. It's an old flame- presumable one you haven't seen for a while. You met and bonked- but you love him? You said you were feeling self conscious- he agreed you used to look better. He was insensitive, but I agree with @araiwa- I also know I looked better less fat- can't say I give a crap about age. But I have let myself go, and you can tell. The honesty of the answer is highly tactless- and covering it with a but I love you- wouldn't cut it for me. Depends on what you are doing/ Pershing with this person as to how big an impact it has with you.

When will men ever learn not to tell a woman that she's overweight? Even a little. Tell all your sons - if you value your relationship, always make a woman feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the world and NEVER, EVER tell a woman she's fat.

"I'm worried I'm a disappointment"
"Yeah, you are kinda".

On what planet is that kind or appropriate?

He could quite easily have said he wasn't disappointed in her and skirted around weight if he had wanted to, but he has, in effect, confirmed that he is indeed disappointed.

Well, fuck that.

I'd much rather have honesty coming from a loving place (seems that in this case) than lies to keep things sweet. I don't agree Starray, teaching my son to lie goes against all I've taught him. And she brought it up, it wasn't said out of the blue.

Also if I hooked up with an ex of some years and asked if I looked older, well um, I'd fully expect him to say yes. Am I missing something??

So it would like fucking a short guy and then saying you prefer tall men. It would be an asshole move.

No. Height and weight are not comparable - one is changeable and one is not. OP used to be slimmer, and it’s possible she could go back to the original weight, should she want to. A small man can’t change his height.

I really don’t understand what this man has done wrong. There are always posts on here about women with husbands who have gained weight and people have no problem with the women saying they are not as attracted to them.

Agree crispy.

This wasn’t ‘honesty from a loving place’. It was simply fuckwittage. How can anyone be that naive?

She didn’t ask him if he looked older or fatter she just said she felt insecure. Instead of reassuring her he still fancied her, which is clearly the case or he wouldn’t have shagged her, he just told her he preferred her slimmer.