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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He said he preferred me slimmer...:-(

242 replies

Autvet · 11/11/2018 07:19

Slept with an old flame this week... after he said he preferred me slimmer and when I painted my nails etc etc ( I’ve put a couple of stone on since last seen him , mostly down to comfort eating if I’m honest as life has been very difficult recently). Now he’s apologetic because I’m upset ! I can’t get over this comment though ... and don’t want to see him again.. it’s really really upset me ... AIBU?:-(((

OP posts:
SpecialLittlePrince · 11/11/2018 15:04

I can't imagine anything less sexy than someone I've just had sex with asking if they were a disappointment.

Lichtie · 11/11/2018 15:06

"On what planet is that kind or appropriate?"

Maybe not a planet as a whole, but in a country where obesity is a massive issue, maybe this one?

LadyRochfordsSpikedGusset · 11/11/2018 15:07

OP said she felt self-conscious about her appearance, so it was probably obvious and why he daftly (IMO) mentioned nails etc as well. She mentioned appearance so he was focusing on external things. She prompted it. He also said he loved her.

TatianaLarina · 11/11/2018 15:27

And you believed him? 😂

If a friend of mine tells me she feels self-conscious about her appearance I don’t tell her yeah she looked better before when she wasslimmer. And she should do her nails.

Because I am not a massive twat.

LadyRochfordsSpikedGusset · 11/11/2018 15:37

I don't know the bloke tbf Confused, just going by the info OP provided. If I loved someone I might express concern if their weight was too low or too high. - especially if they started the convo. Agree the nail thing is a bit random.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/11/2018 19:06

It was an odd conversation to have before sex. It didn’t stop you sleeping with him, OP, which suggests it didn’t feel that brutal at the time. The point is he still seems interested after the fact. So maybe your weight gain wasn’t such a passion killer.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/11/2018 21:57

I see the OP hasn't been back.

lljkk · 11/11/2018 22:04

I imagine he saw the info as factual assessment of his physiological response. It was not important to his feelings, nor any kind of complaint.

Problem is that OP heard the info as both important and a complaint. Plus OP may think this is a summary of his emotional total reaction.

Men from Mars & women from Venus, all that.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/11/2018 22:15

If you stay with him now you will feel you have to lose weight and look after your appearance for him. This wasn't a clumsy comment this was designed to create the impact it has.

Get the hell out of there there is a reason he is an old flame

I weigh more than i did when I married DH but if I asked him he would say I am just as beautiful. He weighs more too and I would say the same. There is no reason not to say that if you love a person. The only reason we should ever encourage our lived ones to lose weight is because of their health and this was clearly not his motivation as that doesn't fit with the nail comment

PipGoesPop · 11/11/2018 22:17

Awww he's not a keeper.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/11/2018 22:35

Men from Mars & women from Venus, all that

total bollocks. i read the book in the 90s but its just conditoning us women to make excuses for men. He knew he would hurt her feelings with the comment. If you really think he didn't you must think men have no emotional intelligence and that's just insulting to men.

lljkk · 12/11/2018 01:26

What's it called when women hate men, the female to male equivalent of misogyny?

Anyway, insulting a woman and then hoping she'll still shag him is a strange strategy. It only makes sense if you think he's A) a total idiot or B) all men are vicious bastards deep down. Take your pick. If that's the narrative you want to stick to. We live in the age of confirmation-bias is truth, after all so you have big green light.

Original poster
Autvet · 12/11/2018 07:15

Thank you to everyone that’s replied . I was at work all day yesterday so only just had chance to reply. I’ve gollowed some of your advice and sent a childish email telling him that yes, he may have preferred me slimmer , but I preferred him when he wasn’t a total cock. Wink he is best left in the past ! As for my weight .. I’m not actually overweight. I look back and when I saw him I was underweight and obsessive about it all... now I’m normal and going to concentrate on me ... thank you everyone x

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/11/2018 07:57

When will men ever learn not to tell a woman that she's overweight?

Conversely, when will women learn not to ask men loaded questions about their weight or appearance that they already know the answer to and expecting the man to lie in his response?

TatianaLarina · 12/11/2018 08:59

Good work OP. Wine

Branleuse · 12/11/2018 09:01

nice one x

TatianaLarina · 12/11/2018 09:07

learn not to ask loaded questions about their weight or appearance they already know the answer to and expecting the man to lie in his response?

What question was that then?

Don’t you think that if she’d known how he would respond she wouldn’t have asked him?

Some men prefer curvier women and would have said so. Some men like women for who they are rather than their dress size and nail status. Some men genuinely wouldn’t care if a woman had put on weight particularly if she was skinny to start with. Some men would have the tact and respect to not insult a woman. And if he fancied her enough to have sex with her then he still fancies her - so why not just say so.

There’s a lot of projection of women’s own fears and insecurities and low expections of men on this thread, which have nothing to do with the OP.

HellenaHandbasket · 12/11/2018 09:45

She didn't ask him if he thought she was fat. He wasn't being honest or saying he was concerned for her health. He told her that he was disappointed. Arsehole.

Well done OP. I'd have done the same. Well, my late 30ies self would have done, my younger self would have cried and crash dieted. But he'll never be worth it.

crispysausagerolls · 12/11/2018 13:33

Don’t you think that if she’d known how he would respond she wouldn’t have asked him?

Eh? Life isn’t one long candyfloss road - you can’t just ask people things because you expect them to say what you want to hear!

LadyRochfordsSpikedGusset · 12/11/2018 13:51

Exactly crispy.

He said he preferred me slimmer...:-(
crispysausagerolls · 12/11/2018 15:49

ladyrochford

Nice meme

ScorpioMama · 13/11/2018 05:24

Please don't ever be around that prick again. You deserve better!

HellenaHandbasket · 13/11/2018 07:31

No, but if you ask a loved one if you are a disappointment you don't expect them to say yes. 🙄

ScottCheggJnr · 13/11/2018 07:50

you will feel you have to lose weight and look after your appearance for him.

I'm not sure there is anything wrong with trying to stay in shape for a partner tbh. My gf would hate it if I drank beer every night and got fat (which I could easily do).

It shouldn't be forced though obviously.

mummyinmanchester · 13/11/2018 08:29

He sounds exactly like my ex!
I was 10 stone then at 5ft 7 and in proportion and he used to always say to me that he would want to be with me long term if I was a size 8 and 8 stone and he could help me get there by following his diet plan of a few slices of meat a day Confused
He also didn't like me wearing heels or dolling myself up (which I always did for myself, not for men) because he 'preferred the natural look'
I ended up with eating issues, would eat nothing for three days before seeing him so I could be 'perfect' and haven't worn heels since, seven years later!
I wonder what he would think of me now, one child and two more stone later!!
Your email is amazing, you totally did the right thing! Wine for you and of course a big fuck you slice of Cake