He said he preferred me slimmer...:-(

[Autvet]

Slept with an old flame this week... after he said he preferred me slimmer and when I painted my nails etc etc ( I’ve put a couple of stone on since last seen him , mostly down to comfort eating if I’m honest as life has been very difficult recently). Now he’s apologetic because I’m upset ! I can’t get over this comment though ... and don’t want to see him again.. it’s really really upset me ... AIBU?:-(((

Araiwa - you're more attractive? To yourself? Or you mean more in line with a beauty standard set by men?

OP he can prefer what he wants. It's not your fault he's a dick. You know you don't actually have to continue with him, right?

He handled it badly. Did he qualify any of what he said with a big "BUT..." and a slew of compliments? That's what I would expect in the situation.

He doesn't sound like the kind of person to help you rebuild confidence.

You didn't ask him outright. But it does sound, or could come across as you fishing for him to tell you he prefers you at this weight.

And instead he was honest. There's been a few posts lately from women who happily admit that they don't find their other half attractive because they have put weight on and that seems fine.

He said “ok , honestly? I like you lighter , and I like it when you paint your nails and wear lipstick

Unbelievably
Shallow
Twat

Tell him you like him with a bin liner over his head, and preferably turned away from you (on the other side of the door).

Some men are just like that aren't they though? They just get a boner over thinner women. Harsh but if that's all they care about, do you really want to be with someone who is only turned on by the way a woman looks and nothing to do with who she is as a soul?

I think i look better

Other people do too

I don’t think this was ‘as blunt’ as your OP implies.

You were talking about your insecurity and asking him what he thought. He answered honestly, but pretty gently and said he loves you either way. Isn’t this what you’d want in a relationship?

I think a lot of the replies are gut reaction to the way you made it sound in your OP and aren’t reflective of the actual situation.

I think, quite possibly, what he prefers isn’t the painted nails and lipstick as such, but the fact YOU were happier and more confident.

Only you know whether that’s what he meant or if he’s just a shallow twat that wants to be with Barbie.

Ok, he didn’t tell you that you were fat. He said he preferred it when you were a bit slimmer and effectively made a bit more effort.

I’m always a bit warey of posts like this on here. My husband, who I have been happily with for 10yrs, definitely preferred me thinner. I too have gained two stone since we met. He has never told me to lose weight but of COURSE he prefers me slimmer. He once told me that he preferred my confidence when I felt better about myself which makes perfect sense to me. If I were to ask him outright, I suspect he would admit this. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love and admire me now.

Your old flame says he loves you. Why did you originally break up? Has he any redeeming features? What was your relationship like?

Of course, if you feel you don’t want to see him again then don’t! You make the decisions about your life

Don’t feel bad about yourself. As we age we experience more crap and it affects some of us with comfort eating.

I do understand what araiwa is saying. I’m fat. I used to be more groomed, it felt good. I look better slimmer (never been slim), I look better with my pedicure done. I look and feel better when I take care of my body.
If you fish for a compliment, sometimes the response is not positive. I do understand it hurts or knocks your confidence.
If you were saying you felt a bit self conscious and he said er yeah, you should he’s a prick. If he said you’re gorgeous and you were gorgeous before when you used to wear that red lipstick, well then he’s just a bit of a plank.
You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to.

Hi OP, you’re not an ornament to the world, you’re a person living life within it and imho you should do so purposefully and with your own pleasure in mind. (Some) Men tend to see women as there to serve/please/conform to what they want. Don’t act in their play - star in your own. Onwards and upwards.

I do think it depends a bit on the situation - unprompted he is just a complete arse and needs to go.
If it was in response to questioning and he was off guard and gormless ( although everyone should know this is a minefield) and quickly realised the error of his ways AND there were no other red flags then there is more of a decision to be made.

Why should he lie, though?

We are constantly piling on posters here for tolerating lies, and for perpetrating them.

He didn't. Yes, it was crass, and I'm sorry it had that impact, OP. But I don't see any maliciousness in what he said.

Damned if you do ...

It just sounds honest to me, and would kick me up the bum to loose the 2 st. Assuming he was as you left him, r.e. physique!!

Don’t let a man know your insecurities, rock what you got

He’s a tosser for what he said and I wouldn’t want to see him again either.

My reply would have been - well yes size does matter of course, I like a little more length. Tatty bye.

He was honest. Don't you agree with him? Either you get upset with the truth and you therefore don't seek it or you take it on the nose and either do something about it or care less about it and ignore it.

It's up to you to decide how to deal with it, not him to protect your insecurities.

When men are expected to wear lipstick and style their hair so they look “better” I will get on board with your beau’s complaint.

Bin.

I'm not into skin and bones and prefer ladies with natural curves. I think your best out of it.

When men are expected to wear lipstick and style their hair so they look “better” I will get on board with your beau’s complaint

This. He’s sexist tbh - criticising you for not bothering with things he himself would never be expected to bother with.

Sexism aside, if he’s already making you feel bad after one night together do you really think he’ll make you feel good long term? At the start of something new you should be walking on air. The fact you’re not speaks volumes.

I'm a bit confused by the phrasing of the OP - did you sleep with him after he said those things? Or did he sleep with you and then say those things afterwards?

Without the broader context of the conversation, it's hard to know if he was being honest or a twat.

I told him I felt very self conscious about how I looked and was worried about being a disappointment.

Bluntly, I find it hard to believe that you said this and only this, and them moved on. More likely, you raised the subject and then heard something that you didn't want to hear.

If you're not happy with your weight, get going with it. Your nails hardly matter, but your weight does.

Tell him to jog on OP. You don't need that kind of shit in your life. Also stay well away from men who like you to do your nails/hair etc. Ime they view women as decoration or their own personal porn stars and have very little regard for them as individuals and people.

Fwiw I'm overweight and never once has my husband told me he preferred me slimmer or asked me to lose weight. In fact, he's very complimentary and loving. Not all men are douchebags - go find yourself someone better!

Oh dear, poor chap. He hasn't yet learnt that when people ask for your honest opinion, what they're actually saying is "tell me how great I am".

Men are expected to look good too in different ways. Many women would complain of a man not looking after his beard or cutting his hair regularly. Same with growing a pot belly.