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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He said he preferred me slimmer...:-(

242 replies

Autvet · 11/11/2018 07:19

Slept with an old flame this week... after he said he preferred me slimmer and when I painted my nails etc etc ( I’ve put a couple of stone on since last seen him , mostly down to comfort eating if I’m honest as life has been very difficult recently). Now he’s apologetic because I’m upset ! I can’t get over this comment though ... and don’t want to see him again.. it’s really really upset me ... AIBU?:-(((

OP posts:
Joey7t8 · 11/11/2018 09:16

Sounds like he was just being honest, if lacking in a bit of tact.

Fact is, most people are more attracted to people that are at a healthy weight; it’s a biological urge to maximise your chances of reproduction. How many women would truthfully say that they’d prefer their man with a beer gut and man boobs?

Cachailleacha · 11/11/2018 09:17

It sounds like you were fishing for compliments and he was honest. It doesn't sound like he said it in a nasty way at all.

harshbuttrue1980 · 11/11/2018 09:20

If you can't take honesty, don't fish for compliments. I'm a couple of stone heavier than I used to be, and that couple of stone has led to a double chin and a visible pot belly that looks like I'm a few months pregnant when I turn to the side. If anyone tells me I look better like this than when I was slim, I wouldn't think they were trustworthy as it would clearly be untrue.

theonetowalkinthesun · 11/11/2018 09:22

Try not to let it get to you OP. A highly unnecessary thing to say.
And also I genuinely knew that having coloured as opposed to nude nails makes me more attractive to men?! How ridiculous.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 11/11/2018 09:24

I can understand a long term partner/husband saying something along those lines if they knew you weren't happy deep down.

From a random shag you knew years ago. No chance. He's got no right to critique your body.

TatianaLarina · 11/11/2018 09:25

Fishing for compliments? Or needing reassurance from the person she’s having sex with because her body’s changed.

She just told him she felt self-conscious.

Lizzie48 · 11/11/2018 09:28

I'm sure my DH preferred me when I was slimmer, I was a size 10 when we met and I asked him straight out whether he would have been attracted to me if I'd been overweight. He answered honestly that he didn't like 'big women'.

I'm overweight now and he's as loving to me as he ever was, and he never tells me that I need to lose weight. But if I were to ask him directly whether he preferred me slim, he would probably say yes, as he's always completely honest. He says nice things about new hairdos, and when I've had my nails done, so he sounds like your ex, if what he said was in answer to you asking him.

I just don't ask him about it, as I know it wouldn't be fair to ask him, it would be a loaded question.

ImpendingDisaster · 11/11/2018 09:28

Who are all these Stepford wives who think it’s ok for a man to insult a woman’s body he’s just slept with?

She asked. He didn't offer. He was honest, if not tactful.

I would struggle to find a man 2 stone overweight attractive.

I've never met a man in my life who paid one blind bit of notice to my nails, so this has left me confused.

Nothisispatrick · 11/11/2018 09:35

In Araiwa's defence I prefer myself now I'm slimmer for my own health and looks. Not because of a male standard.

I agree, also overweight men are hardly considered the height of attractiveness either.

TatianaLarina · 11/11/2018 09:38

She didn’t ask. She simply shared her insecurities.

If you struggle to find someone 2 stone overweight attractive then don’t sleep with them.

Particularly, don’t sleep with them and complain.

nakedscientist · 11/11/2018 09:38

I don't agree this man was being " honest". I think he was being an arse. Being honest is not saying exactly what's in your head at all times. Children are honest in this way and we train them not to be. "Granny you have a hairy chin" etc

More to the point saying I prefer you thinner is so crass and like you are a commodity and not a person. You may as well say I prefer you younger. We generally all decline with age, no need to point it out.

Cambalamb · 11/11/2018 09:44

Funny how he told you that afterwards! Get rid! Flowers

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/11/2018 09:45

Remember that all those people telling you that their DH fancies the fatter them are doing so from the context of a loving enduring relationship. You aren’t.

Perhaps he thought you were looking for motivation, rather than reassurance.

Cambalamb · 11/11/2018 09:45

I like it when you paint your nails and wear lipstick.

Oh please!!!

EdWinchester · 11/11/2018 09:46

I would think anyone is going to prefer their partners slimmer if they’re overweight - it’s just a fact.

But he didn’t need to tell you, unless you directly asked the question.

ittakes2 · 11/11/2018 09:46

You found an honest man and he's getting canned for it. You would prefer he lied? The bit that bothers me is not that he was honest, but that he prefers lipstick and nails being painted which is a bit superficial to me.

C0untDucku1a · 11/11/2018 09:47

I prefer my husband slimmer, with his hair done nice and his nails cut neatly, rather than fatter and no gel or comb in sight for days and nails like a sloth.

I also prefer myself slimmer, made-up and having just had my hair done.

What i tend to find is, probably quite obviously, we look our best when we are working out more. When i was running regularly, 5k 3 times a week so not massively time consuming, i was toned, snacked far less (im a shocker for snacking), and i felt good because of the exercise. I was most confident and had lots of people to chat to while i was in this running group. I also had running group friends so my social life was good too.

When my husband is slimmer it is because he is looking after himself better (not drinking stella and eating doritos watching netflix every night) and he has more energy and wants to do more.

Dump the old flame. Youre exs for a reason so don't bother going back. But really think about how to control the snacking and get more active, as you will FEEL better and that will help you

seven201 · 11/11/2018 10:14

You did ask him so I don't think it's worth ending your friendship/relationship over. Sounds like he was trying to be truthful but it came out too blunt. He maybe had some stupid idea that his comment would help.

My husband prefers me when I'm slimmer and a bit made up. He's never outright said it though.

I'd be upset too. Pick yourself up and try not to dwell on it

QueenoftheNights · 11/11/2018 10:51

TBH I think he was tactless, BUT you obviously have low self esteem, you've let yourself go - your own admission of comfort eating- and you've given up on make up and 'grooming' like nails.

I guess he has known you 'before' and 'after'. He was saying he liked the 'before' better. And you did invite comments by saying how you felt self conscious.

The truth is, he's just confirmed your already low opinion of yourself. That's what hurts.

If- and this is presuming- you had sex for some kind of ego boost and a trip down memory lane, and it didn't work out as you'd hoped, maybe learn from that? ie you aren't in the right place for random shags when you feel insecure and don't like your own appearance.

If you sort out your head, you'd possibly have not had this experience in the first place. Did you sleep with him as an ex because you thought it was a 'safe' place ?

MsHopey · 11/11/2018 10:53

I know my DP prefers me slimmer. I was a size 12 when we met and I'm now a 22. I hate it.
I know he loves me now, and I know he still fancies me a lot. But I know he worries about my health, I know he worries about how unhappy i am with the way I look, and I know he wishes we could do more active things that we used to.
If I asked him if he thinks I should lose weight, he would say yes but that he loves me no matter what.
I don't think it's fair we punish men when they lie to us and we punish them when they tell us a truth we don't like. They sometimes can't do anything right.
My DH is honest about anything when I ask him, he is blunt and unapologetic about it, but it's actually one of the things I love as it means I trust him to never lie to me.
I'm not sure what he should have said that would have made you happy unless you wanted him to lie.

Sparrowlegs248 · 11/11/2018 10:58

I don't understand why you would have brought your insecurities up after sleeping with an old flame tbh. Or why you're surprised that he preferred you slimmer. If he had any sense he shouldn't have said it but not should you.

I know I prefer me slimmer and expect anyone else would too.

Yanbu for being upset though.

Shoxfordian · 11/11/2018 11:00

Don't sleep with him again then

explodingkitten · 11/11/2018 11:02

Maybe you should like him better if he was richer, or bigger where it counts.

Seriously, any man who can't face that people change and get older isn't worth having. People gain or loose weight, things get more saggy, you'll get wrinkles. Go find a decent man who likes you for your intelligence and sense of humour.

TatianaLarina · 11/11/2018 11:05

I don't think it's fair we punish men when they lie to us and we punish them when they tell us a truth we don't like

Speak for yourself I don’t ‘punish’ men full stop. What a weird idea.

Why do posters keep saying OP ‘asked’ when she didn’t.

mimibunz · 11/11/2018 11:05

I don’t know. On the one hand you wanted him to say you looked fine, even though you don’t think you do, but it’s apparently not okay for him to say what you are actually thinking about yourself.....see, I think you set a trap, maybe unintentionally, but if you don’t like the way you look then why does he have to?