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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children at funeral

135 replies

DroningOn · 10/11/2018 20:33

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

What's people's experience of taking (or not taking) a 7 year old and 10 year old to the funeral of a grandfather?

We're having my FIL's funeral at the end of the week and I'm really torn with what to do.

OP posts:
Celebelly · 10/11/2018 20:36

I was 10 when my grandfather died, and I went to the wake after but not the funeral itself. I don't think there's any right answer though: you'll know better than anyone here how your kids will handle it and if it's likely to be more upsetting than giving a sense of closure for them.

Have they said anything about it or asked?

Lindtnotlint · 10/11/2018 20:37

As a general rule the professional advice is to take them.

Stringofpearls · 10/11/2018 20:38

I went to my grandad's funeral when I was 10 and I remember feeling sad but that it was good to be able to say goodbye. Think it really depends on the child, do you know if they'd like to go or not?

Streambeam · 10/11/2018 20:39

I was 8 when my last grandparent died. I wasn’t taken to the funeral but I wish I had been.

JellyBears · 10/11/2018 20:39

My obnoxious cousin wanted her kids at my dads and I said not a chance in hell!

Gingercarrier · 10/11/2018 20:40

I think you should be guided by what the children want to do. At that age I would have been scared by funerals, but if they want to attend you should let them. Sorry for your lossThanks

JiltedJohnsJulie · 10/11/2018 20:40

I would talk to them and ask them if they want to go to the ceremony and the wake, just the wake or not at all. I definitely wouldn’t decide for them.

Isittimeforbed · 10/11/2018 20:40

Yes absolutely I would, I don’t think we do children any favours by hiding death from them however difficult it is to talk about. The only time I would reconsider is if their parents or other people close to them were likely to be very distressed, or if the children said they didn’t want to go. If you have doubts is it possible to have a friend of yours there who could take them outside if necessary?

tryagain · 10/11/2018 20:42

FlowersSorry for your loss, I am Irish so would say yes they should go if they want to, but only you know your children and their behaviour and reactions to situations. If you prepare them and explain the events then at that age I would expect them to be ok.
When my Dad died all 6 of his grandchildren were there aged from 14 years to 9 months, everybody grieves whatever their age and the funeral is a chance to collectively remember and share memories and grief. Children also reminds us that life continues and provide a distraction or an excuse to escape as well which at times we all need

TooManyPaws · 10/11/2018 20:42

I have always regretted that I wasn't allowed to attend my grandmother's funeral at that age.

TheHobbitMum · 10/11/2018 20:43

I've taken my children to my mums & my nans funerals and I do think it helps them to accept that their grandfather/grandmother has gone and its OK to be sad and cry for them. I genuinely think it does help them but there isn't a right or wrong answer here. You know your children best and how they will deal with the funeral. They also joined us for the wake and they enjoyed listening to the different stories and memories being shared.

My thoughts are with you all Flowers

Steviea88 · 10/11/2018 20:44

My 8 year old (1 month off 9) went to my mums funeral.
They were very very close and I don't think she truly understood that she was gone for good. It was 8 weeks between her death and funeral.

I wanted her to see that it was ok to cry and to grieve and for her to understand.
Once the curtains closed at the crematorium she turned to me and thats when she cried and said "She really isn't ever coming back is she?"
Absolutely broke my heart but I knew then that she understood that we had lost her.

It is your choice and whatever is best for you and your children.
It is my husbands nans funeral next week and we wont be taking any children, even the 9 year old. Thats a personal choice and what we think is the right one.
Grieving is a part of life.

homeishere · 10/11/2018 20:45

Why would you not take them? It’s their grandparent. It will help them to understand the grief. I attended three of mine (all who died before I was 12) and I’m a well rounded person!

PoppySeedBun18 · 10/11/2018 20:45

I was an altar server at my local church when I was 7/8 years old and used to serve at funerals very regularly. Children of that age can be more than capable of being emotionally robust (far more than we give them credit for), but you know them better than anyone. Have a chat with them and see how they feel about it. Unfortunately death is an unavoidable part of life and so it’s healthy to have a balanced understanding as soon as possible.

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 10/11/2018 20:46

I'm sorry for your loss.

We asked our DD 11, and DS 8, if they wanted to attend their grandfather's funeral. They both said yes, so we took them. They were very sad, as we all were, but not traumatised. They've both said since that they are glad they went.

My advice would be to explain what will happen at the funeral, and ask them what they would like to do. You and they know best. There isn't a single right answer, only what works for your family.

whenthewhistleblows · 10/11/2018 20:46

My dad died nearly a year ago and my children were 8 (just) and 10. There are tons of kid appropriate books on amazon which can explain the ctvlr of life, process of funerals etc. I asked each of them what they wanted to do. The 8 year old chose to come to the funeral and ‘reception’ (don’t really know what it’s called) afterwards; the 20 year old chose to come just to the reception part. It was the right thing for both of them - neither traumatised by it. think your children are old enough to tell you about it and come to their own decisions.

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 10/11/2018 20:46

Last year, my then 6 year old and 9 year old went to my grandmother's funeral and wake. She was their great grandmother and much loved, a bit of an icon. I was very torn, mainly because I was worried about them seeing me and other key family members who they are very close to, crying and upset. In the end, I let them choose. I talked to them about what would happen (cremation, so curtains closing around coffin etc). They were undecided but the day before, they both decided they would go. It was obviously difficult, the 6 year old was quite upset, but in the end they were both glad that they got to choose and were glad they were there. Other family members also let their children choose. They decided not to go and were also pleased they got to choose (they just went to the wake afterwards).

Original poster
DroningOn · 10/11/2018 20:47

Thanks for the replies.

We're having to travel a few hours to attend and anyone who could look after them for the funeral but still allow them to attend the wake will be at the funeral so its an all or nothing thing.

FIL's death was really sudden so I think their grandmother, father and aunts/uncles (and probably me too) will be quite upset, feeling quite teary just writing about it and I don't want them to become scared/upset at the sight of the adults in their lives being upset.

That said I can see the benefits of including them in the process and getting some closure.

God, still no further forward. Will speak to them gently tomorrow about it.

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 10/11/2018 20:47

My family have always included children in funerals. Death is a fact of life, it's hard. But far easier to learn how to cope when surrounded by others, who loved the same person who has gone.
I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Tutlefru · 10/11/2018 20:47

See if they want to go, if so I’d take them.

bookmum08 · 10/11/2018 20:48

My daughter is 10. She gets anxious in situations and places she doesn't know and doesn't like large groups of people. Her Grandad (my Father in Law) died a couple of months ago. Originally she wanted to go to the funeral but nearer the time I could tell she was getting overwhelmed by it all. So when the service happened me and her wandered round town and chatted about Grandad. We had spent time in the days before looking at photos of him. We then joined the family after at my sister in laws. The 'important' people that day were my mother in law, my husband and his siblings. I felt sad I couldn't be with my husband but I think it was better for my girl not to go. It all depends on your children, their understanding and personalities.

Thehop · 10/11/2018 20:48

At my dads funeral, my boys were 10, 5 and 4. The 10 year old cane to the service, the younger ones came afterwards to the wake for “Grampy’s goodbye party.”

People were pleased to see them and they got the ritual and chance to talk about him. It helped them.

Topseyt · 10/11/2018 20:49

At their ages, be guided by what they want to do.

My DD1 was 7 when FIL died. DD2 was 3 DD3 was just 4 months. MIL originally didn't want any children going to FIL's funeral, but backed down when DD1 was distraught about the decision and pleaded and pleaded. It was decided that she would go, but that DD2 and DD3 would not as they were much too young and just didn't get it.

That was absolutely the right decision for us at the time.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 10/11/2018 20:50

My DD is 10 and we gave her the choice. I explained what would likely happen ie see her dad cry, family upset etcfinished with how it’s nice to say a f8nal goodbye and see the flowers etc.

She decided not to go and a friend looked after her.

whiteroseredrose · 10/11/2018 20:50

My children have been to all family funerals over the years. DD was 5 or 6 for the first. It's all part of life. They've seen me sob and understand that there's nothing wrong with being sad about death but that it happens. The first funerals were for people in their 90s though. Not sure if I'd have taken them to a funeral of someone younger at that age.