Children at funeral

[DroningOn]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

What's people's experience of taking (or not taking) a 7 year old and 10 year old to the funeral of a grandfather?

We're having my FIL's funeral at the end of the week and I'm really torn with what to do.

At 7 and 10 I think they are old enough to decide for themselves. Explain to them what the funeral involves and it might be upsetting then let them decide. Depends how close they were to him and how sensitive they are? I attended my grandmas funeral when I was 14, but my little sister who was 8 decided she did not want to go. She did attend the wake which was less sad, lots of happy memories shared. Hope it goes ok.

As it’s your FIL I think this is ultimately your DH’s decision. Will he prefer having just you there to give your support, or the children too? The advantage of them not attending is it gives you the ability to fully support your DH and his mother. However it can bring closure for children.

I agree with you zzzzzzz, if people can't cry at a funeral, when can they? There's nothing wrong with children experiencing grief and seeing others grieve, it's quite appropriate. Better than bottling up.

Closure is what most children need and will miss if not there.

It was my FIL’s funeral this week. We took our DC - they are 10 & 6. They were given the choice. They were brilliant.
We had contingency plans in place and people on ‘standby’ to take the children out to a side room. We didn’t need to make use of any of that.

I took my DS to his aunty's funeral when he was 7, and to my Grandma's funeral when he was 11. He behaved impeccably and had no nightmares etc afterwards.

His dad very suddenly died when DS was 13 and I am sure his previous experience of funerals helped him cope with his dad's. Because it wasn't this big unknown thing on top of the terrible loss of his dad.

I would say at the age yours are, take them, just have a good chat beforehand about how everybody will be sad on the day because they'll be remembering Grandad and wishing he was still here, so it's important to be quiet and polite to let everyone feel sad when they need to.

I took my DS to both wakes after the funeral and again he behaved perfectly. At his aunty's funeral there were quite a few other children (big family!) so he played nicely with them. At my Grandma's there weren't any other children but he sat respectfully in his chair.

Oh god I hope that doesn't sound like a stealth boast! I just meant it as sometimes children can surprise us by understanding the atmosphere and behaving very appropriately.

DD has attended GP funerals at 9,8 and 6.

I feel it’s important for them to understand that death is a part of life and this is how we celebrate their life etc

Advice is generally to take them. My DS (8&11) went to MIL funeral service and the wake, but not the cremation bit

My DGran died recently. I have two year old twins and a six year old and my nephew is three. We were lucky enough that there was a glass lady chapel to one side and a parishioner who was DBS checked offered to look after the twins. The two older ones popped in during the bits like the eulogy. Could you find out the layout of the church, is there somewhere 7 yo could go perhaps with a parent if it became too much? I have to say, it's been really helpful with 7yo helping him process it and understand. I was left out of my Great Gran's funeral at the time and I remember being upset and confused about that at the time and feeling I hadn't been able to say goodbye. 10 yo is definitely old enough to go and behave straight through.

My parents didn't allow my 7 year old brother and me to go to my grandfather's funeral on my 10th birthday . (They realised very soon after booking the funeral that it was my birthday but then too late to change things easily). We had to go to school instead. My cousins of almost identical ages were at the funeral. I wanted to go at the time and still wish that I had been able to go but nobody asked my opinion. Do what is right for you, your children should be old enough to understand and have a discussion about it. I would ask my own children what they wanted to do in the same circumstances

I was never allowed to funerals as a kid and I regret it so much. Even my best friends which is the one I most regret. It really made me struggle to grieve to be honnest.

But I get why my mum did it. She wanted to protect me. But also deal with her own grief with out having to worry about looking after me.

My best friends funeral was when i was about 11. I tried to go but got my self so worked up I threw up from crying. So wasnt allowed to go. I dont know how I would have handled the service to be honnest.

Just my thoughts on it. I think when or if I am in that situation I would take my own.

Please take them. I still regret (and resent) not being allowed to attend my grandad's funeral 30 years ago - I was 10.

My children have sadly lost 3 grandparents. They were around 2 and 5 at the first funeral, 7 and 10 at the second and 11 and 14 at the third. I didn't think of not taking them, though of course I would have listened if they'd said they didn't want to go.

Although there's no easy way to deal with losing a loved one, I think children as much as adults can find it helpful to experience the ceremony of a funeral where people are celebrating the life of the person, and can see that other people share their sadness and will miss the person too.

One of the reasons I wanted my children to be at their grandparents' funerals was that I was really sad not to be allowed to go to my beloved grandad's funeral when I was about 10 or 11. I found it really difficult to get over his death, I didn't even accept that it had happened for a long time, and I think going to the funeral might possibly have helped.

I think most of the funerals I've attended recently had children present and the celebrants are normally very sensitive to the feelings of children present. At my FIL's funeral the vicar made a point of speaking to the grandchildren beforehand and explaining what was going to happen in a really clear and sensitive way, which helped make it a much less overwhelming occasion for them. Would it be possible for you to speak to the vicar/minister beforehand and see if they could speak to your children at the start? Even if it's just a "hello, I'm the vicar and I'm going to be helping everyone to say goodbye to grandad" it might help them to feel more comfortable.

Mine have been with me many a time. The only time they didn't come was when it was a work colleague and clearly not appropriate or necessary for them to be there.

It's good to have a friend as back up. There are some bits where the children may get annoying for other people. Call someone else with kids and arrange a swap. Sorry for your loss.

The children should decide, my DH (now 60) is still upset at the fact it was not felt appropriate for him to attend his own father’s funeral, he was 12 at the time.
And I agree with others, there is absolutely no reason why children shouldn’t see adults upset or in tears over sad events, it is all part of life.

I took DD when she was 3 to her great grandfathers funeral and to my uncles when she was 4.

I don't believe we should shield children from death and I felt it was important she went to understand that they had died and that it's okay to be sad, but also to remember them.

I was very close to my grandfather but my father (who wasn't at al close to him) refused to allow me to attend his funeral. It made an already very difficult time so much worse for me. I also wasn't ever allowed to visit his grave.
My own children have attended every family funeral since they were born. They understand it as part of the process of saying goodbye and moving on with life. That's the norm here though (not Irish but Highland and Catholic, so very similar traditions).

do they think they want to go?hows dad feel about that. could they honur him privately?/small close family service or similar?whos going thats prepared to haul them out if gets too distressing

I took my DD(7) to her great uncles funeral last year and it affected her much more than I thought it would. She was really upset for a long time afterwards and I had phone calls from the school too because she'd been crying in class. I wish I hadn't taken her, she wasn't emotionally ready for the strong emotions of all the adults around her at the service.

I would, but I would also prep them for what will happen during- coffin, hearse, songs, readings, people being sad, the horrible coffin-behind-the-curtain bit if it's a crem. Might be a bit much if they went in emotionally unprepared?

I really didn't want to take my DD10 to her beloved Grandads funeral but her Nan wanted her there. I gave DD the choice and she wanted to attend. It was the right decision for her, as it was her choice. She wore a bright coloured party dress on her Nan's request and I think that helped DD a little bit. She coped really well.

I took my then 9 year old and 6 year olds to the funeral of my FIL and later the same year to my SIL's funeral. Both funerals were a couple of hours away. For FIL my mum and dad came too so that they could take them out if necessary- it wasn't. MIL would have been upset if they hadn't been there . Obviously M&F were more involved with SIL'S funeral which was a bigger affair ( she was younger and very involved with the church) and they were supporting DB. However in both occasions we explained it as an opportunity to say goodbye to Grandad and Auntie. They took it in their stride- but both had been ill for a while.

My DC were 12 and 9 when they attended MIL's funeral. It felt right for them to be there and they wanted to be there. I felt it was really important though to explain everything that was going to happen before the event so there were no surprises.
Interestingly, FIL originally didn't want them to go but agreed later that it was absolutely the right decision.

I took my 4 and 7 year old to the funeral of thier cousin I felt they needed to be there. I also brought them to the house where she was laid out but did not bring them in to the room.

Like others on here, I wasn't allowed to go to my father's funeral aged 9, and always resented it (I had already been to 3 funerals and seen a dead body, so I knew what to expect).

I recently took my 3 kids (12, 9 & 6) to my mother's funeral - she was 90, and we had known for some time that she was dying, so they had prepared for it, and all decided they wanted to go. Even though they had never been to church, they behaved well throughout, including the burial, and really enjoyed the meal after, as there were other children. As other posters have said, the other attendees seemed to enjoy having the kids there, as it reminds us that life goes on.

I agree it's necessary to prepare children for all the stages of life, but you have to prepare them for what will and may happen (e.g. people being upset).