Children at funeral

[DroningOn]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

What's people's experience of taking (or not taking) a 7 year old and 10 year old to the funeral of a grandfather?

We're having my FIL's funeral at the end of the week and I'm really torn with what to do.

I went to my grandad's funeral at 8, though I sat out the burial in the car with my older cousin. I don't remember there ever being a question of not going.

I remember the thing that stuck with me at the time was something the priest said about god's mansions in heaven which I now understand is a Bible passage; although I'm not and have never been religious I had this idea of my grandad living comfortably somewhere nice and that helped. I don't think leaving me out of this all-encompassing thing my parents were doing would have been a good idea at all. It helped me understand what my mum was going through and I've been able to look back since and process some memories of things which I hadn't really understood at the time.

Interestingly, following a PP, that side of the family was also Highland and nominally Catholic. I wonder if that's a thing?

I took mine (7 and 4) to my mums funeral. It really helped them understand I think. DS (7) cried during the service, DD (4) ate nearly all the cake at the wake. It was absolutely the right decision to take them. They need to say goodbye as well.

My grandad died when I was 5 or 6.

I was left with a family friend while everyone else went. All I knew was that I "wasn't wanted" wherever my parents and older siblings had gone. Then when they came back, all were upset with me (so I thought).

And of course I suddenly never saw my grandad again.

Had a pretty lasting impact on several levels.

Hence I am a great fan of including children of all ages in funerals because it can always be explained and experienced age-appropriately.

At dh’s GM’s funeral, all her great grandchildren came - aged about 6 months to 3. Most were removed from the fgsoel by their mums before the end of the service. FiL had a hard time giving the eulogy, abd hsd anyways says that he loved coming out of the chapel and seeing all his DGC avd DGNephews playing.

You never know, your dc msy bring more joy and less aggravation than you realise.

All of our children have attended many family funeral's.. I think it's important children are included and understand that death is a normal part of life..albeit very sad. Sorry for your loss op.

My daughter, after many years, still regrets that we didn't take her to her great grandmother's funeral. She was 7 and they were close, 'Greatie' lived with us. She found being left behind with a (kind and well known) neighbour upsetting and, I think, a bit alarming. We all went off and she felt left behind.

Children are very perceptive. Frankly, at that age I would tend to think that it would be worse for them NOT to see the adults grieving. Children need to be allowed to grieve. Allowing them to see adults feeling upset shows them that it is okay to be upset.

I took my 10 year and my 12 year old to my dads funeral a few years back. It never occurred to me not to take them. My 10 yr old in particular said it was really important to him that he went. I cried (lots), my DH cried, everyone cried. But there were lots of great stories told about my dad and lots of things they needed to hear. They would be growing up without him in their lives from now on and they needed to see how much he was loved by everyone.

I did in fact take them to a funeral when they were 4.5 yrs and 2. It was a child's funeral. One of their (and my) friends. Beyond sad. The mother had specifically asked for there to be children at the funeral which I thought was incredible. I respected her wishes and took them. We discussed death is the simplest way we could and we never had any issues at all.

It's a case by case basis. You need to know your own children and know the type of funeral you're attending.

I took my DC's to my dad's funeral. They were 9, 7 and 3. They were so well behaved and they wanted to be there to say goodbye to grandad. Everyone seemed glad to have them there. I certainly was.

We were always allowed to go to funerals. It’s very healthy for children to see us express our emotions and see how we grieve. As well as that they get to say goodbye. It’s a sad but natural part of life, not something to hide from.
My dh wasn’t allowed go to his nana’s and he always says he resents that.
Sorry for your loss op.

I took my 7 and 11 year old to my fathers funeral a few months ago, I felt it was important for them to have their chance to say good bye. I did have a good friend on stand bye to take them out if needed however they were amazing much stronger than me. So sorry for your loss x

You need to ask them what they want to do and let them take the decision. I believe they are old enough to do this. My 6 and 9year had to attend their fathers funeral this summer. They were told they didn't have to go but there was no way they weren't going to attend as they both told me.

No, don’t take them, itwill take the pressure off you and DH and the family having to watch them at this terribly sad time. Children do demand attention especially in unusual circumstances.

My father's a Scots Catholic and always says women and children shouldn't be at the burial. The service and wake but not the graveside.

I went to my Nan and grandads, not sure what age I was but I was definitely around 6 and 11. I think it's important for them to go because it teaches them about life.

I would recommend that children of that age attend their grandparent's funeral. It helps them accept/ understand/ come to terms with what has happened. It also shows them that they are part of a larger family/ community and this can be comforting for them. Their presence will be appreciated by other family members.
My DSs were 4 and 8 when they attended their grandfather's funeral. Less than 4 months later, they attended their own father's funeral and I was glad that that was not their first time at a funeral.

I think only you can know how they will handle it.

I went to my great grandads funeral at age 10, I'm glad I got to say goodbye with the rest of the family.

My 4yr old had been to two funerals this year (great-grannys), including a burial, and was fine - he asked some questions about death but doesn't seem to have been traumatised.
Older children may have more worries but they should also be able to think things through and handle it better.
I think it is much better to make funerals a natural part of life rather than risk having a situation where they have to learn about them by organising one.

My beautiful 10 year old ds passed away on 2nd January. Lots of his school friends, same age, some slightly older or younger attended.

We took our kids to my df wake and to the private family internment of ashes. A big funeral with lots of people and having to keep still and participate in the service while not fully understanding what was happening would have been too much to expect from them and a distraction for me. They are 7 and 5.

My 4 attended their father's funeral, aged 15 - 5 at the time. It was the right thing to do. They said goodbye properly.

If they can behave appropriately and you're not expecting other people to change their behaviour (crying etc) to accomodate them, then I think its fine to take them. He was their granddad after all.

It really annoys me when people take their children to the funerals of distant relations to "teach them about death" though. Its a funeral for somebody's nearest and dearest not a public education service. Grrr.

My father's a Scots Catholic and always says women and children shouldn't be at the burial. The service and wake but not the graveside

I know lots of Scots Catholics and have never heard this.
The women and children attended funerals including the burial.

Depending on the child, I think it is good for them to be included in family events. We often tell children to 'stop crying', 'be a big boy-girl' etc and they don't understand that crying is a way of releasing emotions. A funeral shows them that it IS OK to cry and that adults do it too.
We recently had a family funeral where there were young children. Did they get upset? Yes, of course, were they supported in their grief? Absolutely. After the funeral they attended the wake and were able to see that everyone was able to share memories and stories about the deceased without dissolving into tears every time, proof that we all begin to move forward even though we may still have some sadness.

My sons (around 10, 7, 4) attended their grandfather's funeral. We wouldn't have asked them to view the body, but after the interment, they wanted to see the coffin in the ground, so we went to have a look. I think it was important that they were able to see the reality of this.
The 7 year old, at a later date, chose not to attend the funeral of his friend's mum, who died young. This was absolutely his choice.