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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children at funeral

135 replies

DroningOn · 10/11/2018 20:33

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

What's people's experience of taking (or not taking) a 7 year old and 10 year old to the funeral of a grandfather?

We're having my FIL's funeral at the end of the week and I'm really torn with what to do.

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 10/11/2018 20:50

There is absolutely nothing wrong in letting children see adults upset. It gives them permission to show emotion, and shows them it's normal to grieve and allows them to show emotion.

Rachelover40 · 10/11/2018 20:51

It's entirely up to you, Droningon, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think children should go to funerals, death is a part of life after all and we can't completely protect them from it. I've known people who are quite spooked by funerals because they never went to one.

Jellybears, why did you not want your cousin's children at their uncle's funeral?

namechangedyetagain · 10/11/2018 20:51

My children (just 11, 8 and 5) attended my d brothers funeral recently. The eldest even delivered a speech he wrote in church. They did not go to the burial the day after though. That was horrific and I'm still struggling with thatSad

Mum2jenny · 10/11/2018 20:51

I was very upset when not allowed to attend my dear grandfathers funeral as 'it wasn't the done thing'. I've always resented my dear parents for this as I was really close to him. I've always taken my dc to funerals if they've wished to attend.

AllThreeWays · 10/11/2018 20:52

My son attended both grandfathers funerals at age 4 and 5. This prepared him to understand death.
My husband (his father) died three weeks ago of a sudden heart attack, and he is coping well considering.
Open caskets are a separate discussion however.

bengalcat · 10/11/2018 20:52

My 6 year old saw the body of her grandma and went to the funeral ( her choice for both ) - had to giggle metaphorically when she hesitated at the coffin and then peered in saying ' yes she's definately dead mummy , she's not breathing ' -

Natsku · 10/11/2018 20:53

I wasn't able to go to any of my family's members funerals when I was a child and I still feel sad about that so I would take them, or at least give them the option to choose.
I took my 7 year old recently to her dad's funeral, it was very upsetting for her but I think it helped her understand he really was dead and gave her some closure. I got her to draw a picture to place on the coffin instead of flowers as it was more personal and it helped her to process her feelings - can they do anything like that?

Taffeta · 10/11/2018 20:53

Depends how comfortable they are with it

I’d be tempted to sit out the actual funeral with the 7 yo but take them to the wake

catsandogs · 10/11/2018 20:55

I wouldn't take them at that age. My eldest two came to my dad's funeral at 16 and 14 but I didn't let my 10 year old come right decision

Zolaaaaa · 10/11/2018 20:58

I wouldn’t take a child to a funeral.

My uncle took my cousin when she was about 9 to my grandads funeral. We had to travel about 12 hours to get there. My cousin was fine right up until we sat down and she saw the coffin. I was about 18 and she was sat with me, not her dad. She buried her head in my lap and cried the whole time.

If I had been older and more confident I would have taken her out or asked her dad to. I would now.

If the child was adamant they wanted to go I would try to prepare them, and be prepared to take them out if it got too much.

user139328237 · 10/11/2018 20:58

I think it's rather noticeable that there are no posters who are upset about going to a funeral that they wanted to but there are multiple who are upset about not being given the opportunity.
Let them choose OP.

MissBartlettsconscience · 10/11/2018 20:58

If they want to, I'd let them.

I went to my sisters funeral when I was 4. I remember it 40 years later and am still glad I went. Of course everyone was devastated, but at least I knew why and that it wasn't anything I'd done.

ShannonRockallMalin · 10/11/2018 20:59

I took my DCs to their great grandmother’s funeral aged 7 and 10. They were close to her and both wanted to go. I know some older relatives thought they shouldn’t have been there so you may need to be prepared for a bit of tutting. They have more recently attended another family funeral as teens. I think it was a good thing for them to experience, as inevitably they will need to attend or arrange funerals in their adult lives, and they need to know it’s not something to be scared of.

Mum2jenny · 10/11/2018 20:59

Exactly user

Tigger001 · 10/11/2018 21:00

I think I most definitely would take mine at that age. I think seeing other people grieving shows children it is normal and allows them to feel that they can grieve. It also gives them the chance to be involved in saying goodbye.
Sorry for your families loss it is truly devastating

Dieu · 10/11/2018 21:01

I don't think a funeral is any place for children. My parents believed this too, and it's one of the (few!) things that I will carry from my upbringing to my own children.

OurMiracle1106 · 10/11/2018 21:03

I wanted to go to 2 funerals at age 8. Neither was I allowed to. But one I watched the coffin go down our road and that gave me enough closure (great aunt) the second I wasn’t allowed to go and went to school. It took me almost 20 years to get closure.

Blobbyweeble · 10/11/2018 21:03

My 5 year old, 7 year old and 9 year old attended my mother’s funeral, 5 years later they attended my Fathers. I always felt that it was the right thing to do, I never contemplated leaving them out.

Cherries101 · 10/11/2018 21:03

They absolutely are old enough to attend a funeral and a wake: they aren’t babies. At 7 and 10 they need to be prepared to facing the death of their grandad. There are some good kids books about funerals and death you could get them to read beforehand.

perfectionistchaos · 10/11/2018 21:04

At that age I would (unless they don't want to). If they are upset then you can take them out and your DH will be able to stay.

The only issues I have with children at funerals is if they're young enough to fuss and the parent doesn't sit close enough to the back to take them out, or if a chief mourner has a problem with them being there. DD didn't come to a funeral with me as I was the main support person for the deceased's daughter. If I'd been looking after DD there was no way that I could have looked after her properly.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/11/2018 21:05

Of course they should go, and I wouldn't ask if they're "comfortable" with it. Who is? It's a sad occasion, but death is a massive part of our lives, and the sooner they learn to deal with it the better. Tell them it's perfectly fine to cry, and it's also fine not to. Don't try to dictate how they should express their grief. Tell them we go to funerals to support the loved ones left behind but also to celebrate the life of the deceased. My children have been going to funerals since they were very young (3 and 4), and now that they are adults they have talked about how glad they are they we never shielded them from the realities of life.

oh4forkssake · 10/11/2018 21:06

I’m Irish so have a different view of this but I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t take them. The first funeral I remember going to, I was five.

It’s a good opportunity for closure, for them to understand the end to life, to have family around and understand the importance of it at such a horrid time. Take them.

Crinkle77 · 10/11/2018 21:07

I wasn't allowed to attend both my grandads funerals. I must have been about 8 when they both died and I do feel a bit resentful about it as I never got chance to say goodbye.

zzzzz · 10/11/2018 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum2jenny · 10/11/2018 21:08

I've had dc at funerals from small babies to almost adults and they have always behaved and benefited from being there as they could get closure. Obviously my tiny breastfed baby had to be with me but she was no trouble. I'd definitely be in favour for all children to be at funerals if they wanted to.