Children at funeral

[DroningOn]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

What's people's experience of taking (or not taking) a 7 year old and 10 year old to the funeral of a grandfather?

We're having my FIL's funeral at the end of the week and I'm really torn with what to do.

I took my then 6 year old to my nan's funeral. I firmly believe children should be part of saying goodbye to someone they love and that it helps them to understand the dying process and the fact they are now gone.

I was speaking to a lady in the summer who was not allowed to attend her Dad's (could have been Mums) funeral when she was a young child. This meant she never really understood what had happened e.g. he was in her life one minute and then just disappeared because she hadn't been able to process his death. It took her well into her adulthood to gt over this.

Agree with all above but would also like to add having been a young teen when my adored GP's died, that although upsetting it was appropriate & actually very comforting seeing the church/crem full of people who knew them from the past, as well as during my life time. I found all the stories of them told during the service & later at the wake helped me appreciate them even more, and feel I knew them as rounded beloved adults not just my Gramps & Gma.

My DIL's dad died almost three years ago. My two grandsons then aged 9 and 3 went to the funeral. They were very close to him.
The 9 year old was heartbroken but he wanted to go and was glad he did.

They are your kids and you know them best but there’s no way I would take mine to a funeral. I clearly remember the trauma of being dragged to several great aunties funerals and even the parish priest’s (with him in an open coffin). Bloody terrified for months I was.

It’s perfectly possible to achieve ‘closure’ without having to endure these things.

I would have got over the death of my little dog ( when I was aged 10) without having to look at his poor dead squashed body (RTA) Thanks for that Dad

I was always taken to funerals as a child and I think it helped a lot with my attitude towards death. I was 7 when my Great Grandmother died who I was very close to and I think I would have been hurt I had been excluded due to someone else's decision. It's one thing for them not to want to go, it's another at that age to have that decision made for you.

My son was 3 when my dad died and he came to the funeral. The loss of his adored Grandfather was hard for him but I think the funeral and getting to say goodbye really helped. My SiL offered to take him if we wanted but it was important to him and to us that he was there.

Have you asked them what they want to do?

I took my 8,7,3 & 3 week old to my dads funeral. He would have wanted them there and tbh they helped me through it with the funny little things that kids say, like 'this song is rubbish' about a song we deliberated over for hours, and their kisses and cuddles

My personal opinion is that people are weird not taking children to a funeral. Especially at that age. Seriously life and death are always going to be around.

Mine have been going to funerals since they were born. Never any bother they accept it as part of our faith and also accept it as sad and all that but it happens.

I have been called weird. Odd. Abnormal. But nothing wrong with my children yet those who never let children go to a funeral have from what been told suffering the consequences.

Example a friends dad died when she was 9 ( last year) was not given a option just told no. Now she refuses to go to school hits her mum lashes out etc and told her mum it's because she was not allowed to say good bye.

Different families really do have different ideas on this. We took DS then aged 2 to his paternal grandfather's funeral (as they believe children should say goodbye) but not three years later to his maternal grandmother's funeral (as they felt funerals were no place for a child).

If its 'important' enough for an adult to attend then I don't see the logic in saying that a child shouldn't be able to.

I don't agree with taking babies and toddlers to funerals but your children are certainly old enough if you think they'll cope.

If you're worried that they don't want to go, take them to the wake afterwards.

Take them - they need to say their goodbyes just as adults do

I took my 7 year old and 2 (nearly 3) year old to my grandma’s funeral. My mum wanted them there, the vicar was fine about it and actually they were really good - my 7yo, who struggles to stay still at the best of times was an angel, 2yo was a bit squirmier but she didn’t disrupt things at all. Clearly she didn’t have a scooby what was going on but 7yo did get that we were saying goodbye to great grandma. I would say go for it if you want them there and you don’t think they’ll be too upset.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've taken younger children to funerals and went to them myself at those ages. You have to be prepared for you or someone else to leave with them if they get upset or act up, but, in general, I think kids gain as much from mourning with the family and wider community as adults do.

I try to encourage them to attend and wouldn't think to say no to a child who wanted to go; however, I do have in-laws that don't think kids belong there at all so I respect their wishes for their family funerals. My spouse did push to get his mother to agree for our teen to attend his grandfather's funerals. Oddly, his family were fine when the kids were babies and toddlers but ever since they hit school age, every single funeral they're surprised our kids might want to attend a family funeral and some are even surprised I go even after all this time (seriously, one in-law told me that in their day women didn't attend funerals, this did not come up until after a couple funerals). I don't understand it but I'm not going to argue with them over it.

I wouldn't

I think this partly depends on how your family 'do' funerals. Ours are of the opinion that you wear colour to celebrate the life, it's a good chance to catch up and reminisce with family and friends friends and although a few tears are shed, children are very much part and parcel if they want to be. I think if you are more of the all black, desperately sombre approach and they will feel a bit lost, then maybe it's best not to take them.

Mine were 8 and 6 when their great Nan died. She died in hospital and was very ill and both children visited her in hospital prior to her death. It was a bit of a relief when she finally passed as she was suffering a great deal. Both children attended the funeral, they were upset but not distraught, and it seemed to help both, but especially the younger one was able to ask lots of questions which I encouraged and seems to have helped her deal with it, I'm glad we did this as I think it helped with what followed. A few months later my Mum died suddenly whilst picking them up from school, obviously both children were with her when she died but due to brilliant friends and medical staff at the scene were suitably distracted from Mum so unaware of the gravity of what was going on. There was a lot of confusion when we sat down to tell them Grandma had gone, because as far as they were concerned she was fine and picked them up from school until they got to play at a friends. I sought a great deal of advice because I felt they were too young, but eventually took them to see Mum at the undertakers (I'd been to see Mum first so knew what to expect), the undertakers had prepped it for children and it was really lovely, not scary at all, and it really helped the children see she had gone and hadn't just 'run away'. Both children attended the funeral and regularly (couple of times a month) visit her grave, at their request. They've taken it all in their stride and I'm so proud of them, but it absolutely was the right thing for them to see my Mum and attend the funeral under the circumstances, and I really believe the prior experience of their great Nans funeral helped them. I never would have let them view their Great Nans body though so different circumstances need different solutions.

I think it partly depends if you are regular church goers....
If your DC are used to the formalities of a service and Pew Etiquette then it’s not such a weird place to be.
My 5 year old went to my nana funeral, and even did one of the readings, but she was used to the building and the priest etc...

It's not done in my culture. My mum rebelled and had us at her mother's funeral though, as we were very close. We were teenagers and I think it helped, being part of it. When previous relatives died it didn't quite feel real.

For my own preference I'd invite children if the relationship was close and meaningful and if they were old enough to understand why people were crying (eg not toddlers).

I took my 7 year old to his grandmas (my MIL) funeral last month. I talked to him about it and explained what a funeral was and what it represented and he wanted to go and say a proper goodbye. He was amazing with his grandad on the day and was a real comfort to him. I didn’t take him to the cremation part just the church part. I know my son and knew that this was important to him and I knew he’d be beautifully behaved. Every situation is different but I think 7 is old enough to go if they want to.

I took my two (5&7) to the funeral of a much loved uncle. They both are very used to being in church so the service was familiar enough to them, it allowed them to ask questions about their uncle and they were able to say goodbye. It also meant they were with the rest of our family at a key time.

They went to the church service and the funeral tea but not the graveside because I thought that would be too hard for them.

I was 11 when my nan died. My brother was only 6 but both of us went to the funeral (I don't think we were given the option to be honest). I chose not to go to the cremation, and my mum was staying in the car with my brother for that bit anyway so it wasn't a problem. I don't remember if my brother was at the wake afterwards - I assume he was, but that he stayed with my mum. (I was roped in to other stuff so was away from my parents.)

I definitely think we should have been given the choice as I think my brother was possibly too young/didn't want to go. We were both adults for all subsequent funerals and my brother really struggled at the first one - we're not close enough for me to ask so I don't know if it's because of his previous experience or if he was too young to remember the first one and didn't know what to expect.

My niece was 7 and attended my father's funeral. There was no question of her being excluded. She has gone to church with her mother all her life so that wasn't unfamiliar to her. (Although the funeral was at a different church). I think you should definitely give them the choice. It is a natural thing and I think children should be exposed/included in these rituals of life. It definitely provides closure.

I think ask them. When I was 7/8 I went to my grandparents' funerals and saw them in the chapel of rest beforehand. It was the right decision for us.

I took my 6 year old to a grandparents wake (open casket) and funeral. All family children were there so this was the norm. At the age of your children I would ask them. I would never force them to go.

I think at that age you should take them.Younger ones who miht cause a disturbance to mourners-no.