AIBU same child gets chosen for everything at school

[bonfireheart]

I wanted to check whether anyone else would raise this with school. DD is in year 6 and everytime there are chances for roles of responsibility think 'school council' roles, or 'play leader' or external visitors coming in for a special project - the same girl gets chosen for the role. It's been going on since they were in year 1.
It's got so DD says well no point putting my name forward because we all know who is going to get it.
And I'm not just expecting DD to get them. All the kids in her year group are lovely, many who would benefit from the extra responsibility and boost to their confidence.
Would you raise it with the school?

I was that child.
I was a good reader and could read with expression, I had a loud voice, so easily heard. So throughout Primary school I was chosen for everything. And in Secondary school I his my light under a bushell. I wasn't in the choir, school.plays, anything. I don't remember it being a great loss. It was just different.

When my DC were small there was a minor scandal when, three years running, the same girl was elected May Queen 'by her peers'. Of course none of the other parents believed it...

Totally the same issue in our school too. My DS is in Yr6 and the same children get picked for absoloutely everything... Since Reception.

Its really grates on me but what can we do? If we complained, we would be called pushy or difficult parents... or the school would say, "But your DS never asks and these kids do."... which is utter bollocks.

I can't be bothered to argue so I just make sure my kid has some non-curricular responsibilities and experiences.

Such a shame though.

@bertrandrussell
Amazing isn’t it

I think the key is to get your child involved in out of school clubs (swimming, judo, netball etc)until they find their "thing' they can excel at. (That way you don't even have to join the PTA or parent governors!)

Sussedyouout

*@pennyarcade
@mrcharlie

Get a grip!*

Sorry for the late reply. My DD has been busy this weekend. Her and 2 friends have put on concerts and busked to raise funds for The Poppy Appeal. They have raised £2,760 so far. DD has other charity events lined up from now until Christmas. Am I proud of her? You bet I am!

The fact that your dc hasn't had a main role in their school Christmas concert has nothing to do with me or my dd.

You get a grip...

I am both a teacher and a parent and it is hurting to read this. Yes, as a parent my heart has broken for ds who was desperate to to on th football team but not picked, and similar things. But, as a teacher we try so hard to meet all our children’s needs.

Yes, we may not know who had a part last year or the year before, depending on staff changes, but we do look and think about the whole class.

Maisy, we may have a class of only 30. Imagine, so far this year, of that 30, 8 boys have been on the football team and 7 girls on the netball team- half have had a chance to shine there. One was picked by her peers for student council. 2 went to a rememberence day celebration, picked maybe because they loved history, or brought in a relevant item for show and tell, or drew and amazing poppy (depending on age group). A team of 4 went to a math enrichment day. That leaves 8 children who haven’t had a “turn” yet. One is v shy and would loathe being in the play, but will be represent the class in athletics in the summer.

Down to 7. The play has 2 main narrators, 2 singing solos, 4 main acting parts (eg Joseph Mary Innkeeper Donkey). Already you have to have picked at least one child for two “things” and it’s isnt even Xmas yet.

There is still a choir who will go carol singing, a group to be elves in Santa’s Grotto, a Diwali celebration to plan for assembly, and an art event at a secondary school to choose children for. Then there will be other events next term.

People who think the same child is always picked- all the children are being picked, but parents don’t seem to see it. They remember Jane was Mary, but forget the Donkey had more lines. They remember Dolly captained the Netball team but forget she wasn’t in the choir.

I honestly find this thread incredibly upsetting. We sometimes want to give a child desperate to be on a team a chance, and we sometimes want to give a child who is amazing at football a chance to shine. We cannot have all 30 performing as a ballet corps for everything, but maybe that is the way to go!

Sorry about the typos, am feeling strongly and using a knackered phone!

Tanaqui
So in that class there are a range of opportunities and lots of children have been given the chance to have their moment.

Not once have I suggested we should make students who'd hate something do it. I'm just of the fairly standard view (or so I thought) that there's more kids with talent than the same couple and if a school is always zooming in on the same few then someone isn't paying attention or managing things right in my opinion.

I think it is very hard in one form entry schools- on average maybe only 1/3 really want a big part and that really would mean the same 10 children every time. You might have easily 8 times the number of children in one year group at secondary, so there are far more children who are interested/ motivated/ talented. In fact, I would say the shy child has less chance at secondary as they probably need to put themselves forward for an audition/ go to training/ join the cadets.

But just a bit hurt by all the accusations of favouritism- in fact, as others have said, teachers often have no idea which parents are on the pta, and if you teach your own child (which I never have), it would usually be considered appalling practice to pick them for anything.

People who think the same child is always picked- all the children are being picked

So why can't Bob have a turn on the football team or Sarah have a speaking part in the play?

Why THE SAME child every year for the play THE SAME kids in the football team etc etc

@Maisypops, I am sorry, I just read my post back and it sounded as if I was aiming the whole thing at you, which wasn’t my intention! It is the parents who say “ it’s alwAys the same children for X”, and forget about Y and Z. Or who remember Mary as the star when the narrator held the whole thing together- or vice versa!

(Although I would say that if you have 40 children as a “pool of talent” for a secondary school drama production, that is perhaps 20% of your year group- 20% of my year group would mean 6 children to pick from so there would certainly be repetition. If I get just 15 children happy and confident on stage I have involved half my year group which is an awful lot more inclusive than many secondaries!)

Green- maybe sometimes Bob doesn’t want to play football? Or he has had a chance, but was only picked for a few matches because he also auditioned for Aladdin and got a main part? Or he was absent on the day the team volunteered and it seems unkind to replace any of them until next term. Or the 3 core players who play every match really need that self esteem boost because they genuinely couldn’t cope with the maths enrichment day? Or Bob struggles with being a good loser and needs to only go to matches when a support assistant can go along to help him, otherwise the opposing team might get sworn at?

Or because teachers are stupid lazy fuckers who don’t give a damn and make one list in reception using a sorting hat that decides if a child is sporty, clever, or dramatic, and never deviate from it ever?

I have the distinct impression that a lot of people think exactly that..we're stupid lazy fuckers, who do fuck all right. We will never please everybody, but the moaning is getting ridiculous and it does make me wonder why we bother to put on shows, concerts, assemblies etc when all we're doing is annoying the parents whose children don't have starring roles.

that decides if a child is sporty, clever, or dramatic, and never deviate from it ever?

Lots of example here that show it happens in a lot of schools.

LJdorothy
I don't think anyone is saying that on here (And I'm a teacher).
I think people are commenting on times schools get things wrong, which they do sometimes.

Oh, and here we go again! Must be at least a couple of weeks since the last time we had all this chippy nonsense.

Once again, I have no fucking idea, nor do I care, who the kids with parents on the PTA are. None at all.

But fuck it. I won't be wasting spending hours and hours of my "spare" time organising any more of this nonsense in future. And you'd better all hope that these "pushy PTA types" you're denigrating don't down tools too, because guess who'll suffer if they do? Schools have NO money, and fund-raisers are needed more than ever before, and not for the luxuries/extras, either.

I was parent governor at one of my children's schools and it certainly didn't mean he was picked for everything. DiL ran the PTA and her children didn't get favouritism. And when I was a teacher at DC3's school he had one line to say in one play. There was no favouritism there!
Perhaps the PTA parents just have talented outgoing children who would be chosen anyway.

I will be expecting my front row seat at the Christmas concert this year! The only reason a parent in the pta would get a seat in the front row, is they put the chairs out, which is fair enough.

Hadenoughofallthis
But there are people who think being on the PTA gives them sway.
I'm secondary but can recall colleagues getting calls from pushy types and have had some myself with sudden offers of 'fairness' and 'broadening the cohort' (which means put our children in because we've spent 10 minutes telling you how unfair it is that our children didn't get in and we feel that places have gone to less worthy students)

Staff still run nice extras. We all do additional things for the kids. If schools are always picking the same few for everything then that's not on. It's not that unreasomable for parents to expect to see a range of children having their moment.

Just because some pushy PTA types exist, doesnt mean all people on the PTA are pushy. Just because some schools don't get it right doesn't mean people are blanking complaining about all schools when most of the time schools get it right.

I'm 26 and this was going on when I was in primary and secondary. I once got the chance for a speaking part and my bossy 'best friend's pushed me to ask the teacher to swap with her. It was quite obvious I didn't want to swap and instead of the teacher saying no I made my decision and giving me the chance and obvious push that I needed she just said yeah ok. I was devastated but too shy to do or say anything

The OP should I think raise this with the school- even if her DD is never chosen but it ends any practice of the same child being chosen every year. There is enough sometimes valid criticism about a snowflake generation who cannot cope with setbacks, and the child chosen every time could have those issues if not having to cope with some disappointment at a young age.

I remember this when my DDs were at primary school. The child that was always chosen was the daughter of one of the teachers at the school and the favouritism was unbelievable. They obviously didn't care about being obvious. It got to the point that DD didn't bother trying for anything and I think other children felt the same. Apparently her sibling was favoured too. By year six the children turned on the child because of it.

Relatives of school governers were also favoured particularly by the headteacher for obvious reasons. I didn't notice children of PTA parents being favoured though and I don't see any particular reason for the school to want to impress them.

I was that kid at school. My parents weren’t on the PTA. I was just really, really good at reading and remembering lines, which I suppose made it easier for the teachers putting on the play.

There wasn’t any malice about it, and I wasn’t a popular or a showy-offy child.

This used to happen to DS at primary school in the 90s. There were triplets in his class who were in everything and had every piece of their work on any display. DS was very bright and expressed himself well but his handwriting was dreadful so no matter how good his work was it didn't look pretty so never went on the wall. The triplets and one or two other children alway took the key roles in every play etc. To be honest I got sick of it and was happy when we moved.

Happens at our school really badly. There is one family whose kids really do shine - good at academics, sporty, quite musical. Their parents are also very, very front and centre, pushing the cause of their kids at every opportunity. So they get picked for absolutely everything. It’s irritating - yes they are the best at most things but surely some other kids should be getting a look in.

The teachers (esp the music and drama one) seems to make a decision in year one about who is going to be her pick and then she never deviates, even if this means that one of them turns out to be a hideous singer - they will still get a solo! That really annoyed me - one of dd’s mates sang like an angel but never got a look in and we had to suffer this other girl groaning tunelessly through her song. Urrgh!