AIBU same child gets chosen for everything at school

[bonfireheart]

I wanted to check whether anyone else would raise this with school. DD is in year 6 and everytime there are chances for roles of responsibility think 'school council' roles, or 'play leader' or external visitors coming in for a special project - the same girl gets chosen for the role. It's been going on since they were in year 1.
It's got so DD says well no point putting my name forward because we all know who is going to get it.
And I'm not just expecting DD to get them. All the kids in her year group are lovely, many who would benefit from the extra responsibility and boost to their confidence.
Would you raise it with the school?

I think the PTA thing could sometimes be true out of unconscious bias, and sometimes because - generalising wildly - parents who put themselves up for voluntary roles to benefit the school have a visible work ethic they’re passing on to their DC so perhaps those DC are in fact quite articulate/confident/responsible/fill in the blank compared to those with different parenting?

I also think teachers don’t really pay a great deal of attention to what goes on in the classes before them - so when Danny is a good singer and can deliver a line with style in Year 6, the teacher doesn’t remember that Danny’s been doing that since Reception - he’s naturally talented AND he’s had loads of practice. But the Year 6 teacher hasn’t been tracking that like the parents if the group have. And we’re all more sensitive to perceived bias when it excludes our children, but fail to recognise when they have been praised for other things more frequently than others as well, especially if it’s less high-profile than the school play etc.

I’m sure there are other opportunities that get shared around that you might not even be aware of. There are 2 children in my dcs class that get chosen for a lot of these things (my dc is one of them). The reason being that they are always polite and sensible so can be trusted to get on with things without constant reminders and without messing around. That’s what dcs teacher told me anyway.

I was always picked for everything at school once there started to be things to be picked for (about year 4-5 ish). But I was bullied from about the age of 6 for being able to 'do things'. I remember a girl threatening to get her sister to beat me up because I could read. I was about 7. It made no sense to me that it was a bad thing to want to learn things at school as that was apparently the point of school. I never criticised anyone who couldn't do something, I was quite quiet socially.

I did feel that being chosen for things was partly my reward for being penalised for something I couldn't help (being academically bright) when my parents and teachers said it was a good thing but everyone else said it was not (being called a boff, posh, a swot, told I'd get my face smashed in for getting my work right all the time).

At ds2's school every child gets a part, and a line if they want one. This renders most productions totally incoherent and incomprehensible but it is fair.

There was a child like this in ds class at primary. Always in the school brochure, school banner, won multiple prizes, etc etc. Everyone said it would change at secondary but it hasn’t. It’s just the same. The parents know it, the kids know it. My ds says whenever they know that they’ve done something wrong, they all stand behind this boy because they know that nobody will get into any trouble if he is involved!

I think it's the same in every school. You should say something. Your attitude is very reasonable as you say you're not expecting your dd to be picked, just that there are lot of children who are just as capable.
We've recently complained to our head about dd's year. He said he'd never noticed . What's most annoying is that the girl who keeps getting the main role in the school play isn't at all good and there are four or five children who could easily step up. Luckily my dd does an outside activity at a very high level so she gets confidence from that.
Btw my ds2 was 'that' child at primary school and we would actually warn him life wouldn't always be that easy.

This is such a shame

PTA faithful here and no special treatment for my child. School approach similar to what BarbarianMum said.

I've experienced this from both sides.
Dd was chosen for eveything. I was told she was always reliable, hard working, conscientious, well rounded and very clever.
Ds never chosen . Whilst intelligent he was less confident and needed far more encouragement.
In later life I can always rely on my dd, always. Ds had become a pain and it's a struggle to get him to put something in he bin me at mind anything else.

The thing is as well, that no school play is going to be the Royal Shakespeare Company, is it?

So why the palaver of making sure confident, articulate, well behaved children get more opportunities to do so, and the same kids get overlooked every time? Far better messy, funny chaos that leaves no kid feeling left out?

I wish people would fuck off with the snipey 'PTA types' comments. You can't/don't want to contribute? Fine. But don't try and make yourself feel better about that by sneering at those who do. Because frankly, it's hard, dull, thankless work. Schools are on their arses, financially, and without PTA fundraising, it's the pupils who ultimately suffer. Cheers.

Belindabauer

Doesn't that prove that's your DS needed to be relied on to become reliable? He didn't have to take that role because it wasn't expected of him and 'why bother' when his sister clearly took in the role and you let her

Slightly different, but when my daughter was a Girl Guide, the guide leader told them that there was a National Rally coming up in London, but that she was only allowed to take one Guide with her. They were all very excited and there was a discussion as to how they should choose the lucky girl. In the end they decided that the following week, all names would be put in a hat. When the day arrived, the Guide leader announced that she and her daughter, (one of the guides) had put all the names in the hat at home, and that the daughter's name had been the one that was picked. That was the last Guide meeting Tania went to. We didn't confront the Guide leader, but she must have known why she lost Tania as a member. I think perhaps you should say something.

This happened at ds school too although it was the deputy heads daughter and teaching assistants son and another loud and confident girl that got picked for evrrything from about year 2 omwards , hes just stattez high school so thankfully this is all over and ds2 is disabled and goes to a special school the entire school takes part in the xmad play

This week we held auditions at my school for children who wanted to sing a solo in our carol concert. We praised each child after they had sung including those who were wildly out of tune or out of time.

There were lots of lovely singers and we'll give us many as possible a part, either singing a solo or singing in a small group. A couple really stood out and will sing the major solos. We have absolutely no idea what part they had in the Foundation nativity or the key stage 1 carol concert.

When teachers have a handover meeting with the next teacher at the end of the summer term, we talk about the children's academic ability, personalities, any behaviour/medical/SEN/friendship issues. Are we really supposed to remember to discuss who played what part in every show?

I’m not on the PTA and my child is often picked for things. If you have a child who is polite, follows instructions, works independently and doesn’t mess around they will get picked for a lot of jobs. If they can’t do this things then work on that for their sake - and not just so they get picked for school jobs - because they are life skills.
I imagine very few teachers pick children due to favouritism. And if that ever is the case it’s probably because the children are well behaved rather than their mum is on the pta. Can’t see a teacher picking a nightmare child to do an important job just because their parent has sold some raffle tickets!

Are we really supposed to remember to discuss who played what part in every show?

No! You’re fine.

It suited my DD not to be picked, so it works both ways.

Slightly off topic I know, but well done the school that gives PTA members front row seats for performances. Being on the PTA is a thankless task that often involves many hours of work and means you are pretty much universally hated by other PTA members, all the other parents and most of the staff. It’s good that one school is giving them a small perk.

Disclaimer - I was never on the PTA. My ego is far too fragile to cope with those levels of projected dislike and aggression.

There was a child who was very full of herself at my DD's primary many years ago who got picked for everything to do with organisation - school council, committees, prefect etc; you name it she did it and her Mum visibly preened about it all the time.

Fast forward to the leaver's assembly and Mum did a perfect cats bum face when her daughter was named as the one 'most likely to be a secretary to a head teacher'

I can see why she was a bit annoyed because there are many other jobs requiring good organisation but it very ever so slightly rewarding to see her face.

I'm amazed at the pta comments....why do posters resent parents who contribute to school, fundraising etc? Pathetic attitude tbh.

why do posters resent parents who contribute to school, fundraising etc?

My working theories are:

1. They think this parents are virtue-signalling and believe they’re better than other people

2. they feel guilty they don’t do anything to help themselves so tell themselves the PRA all must be busy-bodies with time on their hands

3. they don’t read any information from school about what the PTA actually pays for and only see the requests for money & time.

If you have a child who is polite, follows instructions, works independently and doesn’t mess around they will get picked for a lot of jobs.

If only this were true. Many people have DC like this that never get picked, but the DC of the classroom TA or other Teachers children often get picked, however much they misbehave. This is what happened in my DC's primary school.

That may be your experience. In my experience staff children are hardly ever picked for anything since the parents are so paranoid of anything looking like favouritism.

It continues into secondary. At my DCs school, there are awards for all subjects. The same few children get picked for multiple awards every year, get picked as school reps every year and end up on the school council and as head boy / head girl.