Another party invite thread - sorry!

[firenze86]

My son (7) came home from school upset that he hadn’t got an invitation to his friends birthday party (cinema trip). His friend who’s birthday it is lives on our street. I often have him for a few hours or full days while his mum works. We’ve also given her lifts to work, doctors appointments, the shops, to school and back etc. as she doesn’t drive. I know you can’t expect an invitation but the boys are close friends and we do a lot for them. We looked after him last weekend and he talked about his birthday and the cinema trip and said my son was invited, and then brought invitations to school for the other boys in the friendship group but not DS. He was upset and the birthday boy told him “you can’t always get what you want” - obviously true but also a bit spiteful to say when he was upset? Aibu to be upset on behalf on my son and should I mention it? Carry on as normal? Not help out as much from now on? I’m perfectly prepared to be told IABU just wondering others opinions!

Yanbu. I'd arrange to do something else that weekend and I'd back off from doing so much for the mother. They could have invited your son as a way of saying thank you for all you do for them. Hopefully she wont be asking you for a lift to the cinema.

I'd also back way. She's a fair weather friend when she wants something and gives nothing back.

Start being unavailable

Yes defo back off from doing do much for the mum. It’s seems that those with a kind heart are always walked all over in the long run.

I’m fully expecting the same situation when my closest friends sons birthday comes around next month. I’ve been helping her out a lot of late but at the end of the day, if her kid doesn’t want my kid there, she won’t invite him. No matter how guilty she may say she feels.

Gracefully back away op. Don’t let yourself be a door mat to this friend and spend the day with your child. I hear there’s a good film on at the cinema that day too 🤭

In that situation I'd ask the mother why there is no invite. It seems very odd given what you've described.

Don’t mention it, just back off.

It’s her and her son’s choice to treat you like this. It’s your choice not to help her out. I know it’s only a party, but she has shown no regard for you or your son.

Just be polite, smiley, and refuse to help. And take your boy for an amazing day out.

The party boy may have taught your son that ‘you can’t always get what you want’. He and his mother may learn that ‘actions have consequences’.

It might be that this boy sees your son as his mum’s friend’s son, not a friend. I used to hate forced friendships as a child - ‘having’ to invite certain children because their parents were friends of my parents.

Are you sure that the boys are close friends? Because from the party boys reaction it seems he has deliberately excluded him. Do you think he feels they are forced to spend time together as you are always helping the mum? In any case it's incredibly rude of them and I'd be backing off from having him over. He's been deliberately cruel to your son so why expose him to more of the same

If you mention it, it will probably blow up to be a big drama and your son’s friendship with the others in the group will suffer. There will be sides taken etc etc.

If you just back off it will be far more contained.

Quietly accept the situation, but stop being so available to the mum.

The little boy was a bit mean to your son, so maybe he shouldn’t be in your house quite so much, unless your son wants him for a play date. The kids will get over this quite quickly but I would hold a fridge for eternity!!

Yeah I wouldnt mention it. Id just be unavailable in future when favours are needed. How did you end up doing so much for your DS friends mum? It sounds an enormous amount that you do for her, basically sounds like you are an unpaid childminder and taxi driver. Is she a piss taker?

Children of seven are fickle and friendships change like underwear. Invitations left to children are given to the flavour of the day friends or aspirational friends.
The parents should control invitations at this age and should make sure regular contacts are invited.

Just do something nice with him on the day. Then if other child mentions it again tell him it’s unkind to remind your son that he wasn’t invited and he needs to keep his excitement to himself. Otherwise do nothing, it will pass.

If you’re speaking to the mum anyway I’d be tempted to say something like “obviously it’s not an issue that ds wasn’t invited but it’s a bit awkward to have your ds talk about it last weekend and tell him he was” from her reaction you’ll know what kind of person she is.

I wouldn't mention it to the mum unless she brings it up. But I would be providing no childcare, lifts or support of any sort in the future, and I would be completely unapologetic about that.

The mother should of invited your son, as you seem to do a lot of favours for her. I would start making yourself unavailable if she asks for any more lifts, play dates etc.

"You can't always get what you want" sounds like what an adult would have told him to say if questioned imo.

I would stop helping, I mean the boy can invite who he likes of course but I assume you help because they are friends and if they aren't really close friends then no need to help.

What.You're running around like a blue arse fly looking after this child giving the mother lifts everywhere
Well no more. I'm sure one of the other parents will look after him and ferry them around, seeing as they all get on so wonderful together!

The fact that you help his mum out and look after the boy sometimes so she can work means that I don't think you are being unreasonable to think your son should have been invited.

Maybe the boy doesn't class your son as a friend but his mum should have known this would look very selfish and invited your son. I think she would be very cheeky to ignore this, not invite your son and keep expecting lifts, childminding etc.

Just back off, be 'busy' when she asks you to look after her son and do something nice with your son on the day of the party.

They can choose not to invite your son.
You can choose not to be such a help to them.

You could be really bitchy and say yes next time, then call up just before the time, and say you can't do it and when she gets annoyed, tell her she can't always get what she wants.

It's a tricky one. If the boys just happen to spend a lot of time together because you're helping the mum, the other boy may not see him as a close friend so given the choice, chose others. The mum should have encouraged him to invite your son too, though. If they are proper friends despite the circumstance, and this boy is just being mean, again his mum should have pulled him up on it and your son should have been invited. If the boy refused to budge, the polite thing to do would be for the mum to speak to you and explain the situation.
We're in a situation now where we invite the child of a close friend to DD's bday parties, and the reciprocate the invite, but it feels like there's an unspoken expectation that it will be the case. Actually, the kids have very little in common and don't get on that well (no arguing, just indifference from the other child's side!). My Dd is pretty unaware. Next year I think I need to stop this, and just maintain our friendships, with the kids seeing each other if we get together as families.

I'd be holding a fridge too 😉 and stop being her unpaid childminder/chauffeur

Find someone in class your son plays with who is not invited and take them on a trip to see the same film, just earlier showing, take out for something to eat, and that way your son can talk about the film as well when in school...
Because it won't be the not going that causes the upset the day after. It will be the being excluded from talking about the film.

Stop help this woman, from this moment forward. No more.
Thoughtless, inconsiderate twat, she is.

That's a tricky one. I once text a Mum because my son didn't get an invite to an all class party. She said that she was sorry and send me details to attend.
I'll probably sent a text saying that maybe the invitation was lost and if she say your son isn't invited then you know the kids aren't friends.

No more favours if it were me!

I would also hold a fridge for a long time. No more favours!