Another party invite thread - sorry!

[firenze86]

My son (7) came home from school upset that he hadn’t got an invitation to his friends birthday party (cinema trip). His friend who’s birthday it is lives on our street. I often have him for a few hours or full days while his mum works. We’ve also given her lifts to work, doctors appointments, the shops, to school and back etc. as she doesn’t drive. I know you can’t expect an invitation but the boys are close friends and we do a lot for them. We looked after him last weekend and he talked about his birthday and the cinema trip and said my son was invited, and then brought invitations to school for the other boys in the friendship group but not DS. He was upset and the birthday boy told him “you can’t always get what you want” - obviously true but also a bit spiteful to say when he was upset? Aibu to be upset on behalf on my son and should I mention it? Carry on as normal? Not help out as much from now on? I’m perfectly prepared to be told IABU just wondering others opinions!

I think I'd find another friend for your child, and take them to the same cinema showing....

I wouldn't say anything - just take ds for a treat anyway - but def. a (pleasantly polite) refusal of any more lifts or childcare. What I'd do at all costs is avoid getting into any sort of argument or confrontation with the mother. From experience, people who are so unreasonable/CF-ish will never admit that they're in the wrong.

I think this is so mean! Even if the boys aren't as friendly as you thought, the mother should be insisting your DS is invited to in some way pay back a tiny piece of the goodwill you've shown her and her DS. I wouldn't say anything, I just would no longer be available to help out in any way. My initial thought was that the 'you can't always get what you want' is something that's come from the mother - did her DS ask what to say to your DS if queried about the lack of invitation?

Sorry this has happened. My neighbour was very upset recently after taking her DD to a birthday party. The mother of the birthday girl is a friend and they help each other out with babysitting, hosting each other's kids for play dates if one mum is busy etc.

My neighbour said the birthday girl completely ignored her daughter during the entire party. Her DD was very upset. She spoke to the birthday girls mum who finally confessed that her daughter doesn't really see my neighbours DD as a friend. They basically play together due to circumstances but the friendship is not there. Birthday girl's mum had invited neighbour's DD out of politeness.

All this to say I have no idea if your DS and this boy are 'real' friends but if not then perhaps it's better he didn't attend? This doesn't excuse the boy's behaviour btw, he was very rude.

Just for a bit more context - I initially started helping out because of our sons friendship- they get on well and the little boy does invite my son over to his to play too, although usually when his mum is picking him up and he wants to carry on playing as opposed to a pre arranged play date. I’m not “friends” with the mum, more like neighbours and she friendly when we see each other but wouldn’t make an effort to meet up socially. It’s obviously a convenience thing for her, I’m here and available and our sons are friends (?). But I won’t be doing any more favours from now on. I feel bad for my son nut I’ll plan a trip somewhere on the day of the party so he doesn’t feel he’s missed out when they all go back to school talking about it.

Another thing is - it’s my sons birthday fairly soon. He usually has a whole class party in a hall but this year we’re planning something smaller for just his close friends. Should we invite the boy? I feel like we should...??

I wouldn't think extra asking about an invite and quite clearly from the boys reaction there isn't one. Don't put yourself in that situation.

Back off - and find a fridge

No. Under no circumstances do you invite him. After all, sometimes you don't get what you want.

Let the little brat have a taste of his own medicine.

No, don’t invite the boy to your son’s party! You and your poor DS have been treated really badly and the friendship has been ruined - by them. This is them showing how they really feel, which is mean and disappointing, so no more favours and no invitation from your son when the time comes.

If your son wants to invite him, invite him. If not, don’t.

I would be tempted to not invite the boy and encourage your ds to branch out with other friends. Sounds as if this boy doesn’t count your ds as a friend. I wouldn’t be helping anymore either!

No, you shouldn't invite the boy, he very obviously doesn't consider your DS, to be one of his friends, and on top of that, he was mean to him, when he was upset.
OP, toughen up.

"Should we invite the boy? I feel like we should...??"

That is interesting - why do you feel like you should? I say it's interesting because objectively there is no obligation to invite him when he hasn't invited your ds - what is making you feel that there is? Is the other boy quite 'high status' socially in the class - are you worried that it will cause probs for your ds with other dc if the other boy falls out with him as a result? (Unfortunately this can happen, so I do understand the concern)

Agree with others, don't invite the other boy. And I'm glad you'll stop the favours too.

Just back away and don't offer or be talked into any more lifts etc.

Don't "hear" when any hints are dropped.

Sadly it's a life lesson that some people will just take, take and take but never consider anyone else's feelings.

Not sure why you think you should invite the boy when he was so clear (and rude) to your son about not being invited to his own party.

I feel like we should because I’m not a petty person at all and not inviting him would be to make a point rather than because my son wouldn’t want him there... I also think it would teach them a lesson in kindness. But maybe that’s hoping too much! I’ll see what my son wants to do closer to the time and let him decide. But in the meantime I plan on avoiding them and letting them sort their childcare/lifts out etc elsewhere!

Also "you don't always get what you want" he is surely repeating that from an adult. I don't have a seven year old so I could be wrong, but I find it hard to imagine a little kid saying that to a schoolmate unless an adult has told him to say that?

I get where you are coming from OP, but the mum and other boy will use an invitation as a carte blanche to continue treat you & your son as objects of convenience. Just start inviting someone else for play dates with your DS. He will soon be happy with another friend.

I thought that too - it sounds too grown up to come straight from a 7yo

You not being petty means you get walked all over this woman saw you coming

I would invite him if your DS wants to.

Just because his mother lacks decency and manners doesn't mean you have to. It might also make her feel guilty which is a bonus.

Definitely don't invite the boy!! What goes around comes around.

And put a stop to all the help you're giving to the ungrateful users.

I definitely wouldn't invite the boy to your DS's party after the way he spoke to him!!!!
Back away!

Yeah my money is on the mother telling him to say that has she most likely feels your the hired help (but so stupid as not to be paid for your time and effort).

I would not mention it but wpuld always be polite and always be busy and would under no circumstances invite him to my sons party i might even coach my son to say if he mentons it the exact same thing but i can be petty sometimes.

Maybe it’s a money thing. Cinema trips are expensive and perhaps he was only allowed to chose a few friends. That could be where the “don’t always get what you want” came from. But it does seem quite mean to exclude your son if they are close mates.