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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another party invite thread - sorry!

151 replies

firenze86 · 10/11/2018 09:30

My son (7) came home from school upset that he hadn’t got an invitation to his friends birthday party (cinema trip). His friend who’s birthday it is lives on our street. I often have him for a few hours or full days while his mum works. We’ve also given her lifts to work, doctors appointments, the shops, to school and back etc. as she doesn’t drive. I know you can’t expect an invitation but the boys are close friends and we do a lot for them. We looked after him last weekend and he talked about his birthday and the cinema trip and said my son was invited, and then brought invitations to school for the other boys in the friendship group but not DS. He was upset and the birthday boy told him “you can’t always get what you want” - obviously true but also a bit spiteful to say when he was upset? Aibu to be upset on behalf on my son and should I mention it? Carry on as normal? Not help out as much from now on? I’m perfectly prepared to be told IABU just wondering others opinions!

OP posts:
dogwoofbark · 10/11/2018 12:14

At the risk of sounding a bit chintzy, have you got a nicer house/car/'easier' lifestyle op?

whatnametouse · 10/11/2018 12:16

Don’t invite the other boy especially after he said that to your son - will just reinforce the belief he has that he is better than your son - your son only being worth playing with when his mother needs free childcare but not important enough to invite him to the cinema

It’s not a lesson in kindness to invite him - a better lesson for your son is that if someone is mean to them they don’t have to remain friends with them - that they will find new friends

dogwoofbark · 10/11/2018 12:17

If her son wants him to go then refusing to ask him will teach him to be petty and take the lower road.

Merryoldgoat · 10/11/2018 12:18

‘Chintzy’ - I will be adopting this as I’ve had to relegate ‘cunt’ since having DC.

OP - as a PP said, if you invite the boy his mother will see it as acceptance of her shoddy behaviour.

diddl · 10/11/2018 12:21

", if you invite the boy his mother will see it as acceptance of her shoddy behaviour."

Well not when the Op doesn't help in future she won't.

Juells · 10/11/2018 12:22

I wonder if there is an invitation for your DS, but the boy himself decided not to give it because he's being a little sod? I'd cut down on the playing together, and no more favours for the mother from now on.

But if the whole class is going to be invited to your DS's party you'll have to include the other boy. No skin off your nose.

Feefeetrixabelle · 10/11/2018 12:23

Accept the lack of invite with grace. Do not invite the boy back. It was fine for him to not invite your son it was not ok for him to be rude about it. Likewise with helping the mum out. If she asks just explain that you could originally help because the boys got on so well but as her son ha decided the closeness has come to a natural end then it would be wrong to force them to spend time together.

DarlingNikita · 10/11/2018 12:23

YANBU. I wouldn't bother doing her any more favours.

I must say, you've been doing an awful lot for her for someone you describe as 'not “friends”, more like neighbours' and 'wouldn’t make an effort to meet up socially.'

Time to step away.

EleanorLavish · 10/11/2018 12:49

If the boys are not friends then she shouldn't be sending her son to your house all the time when it suits her. Then decide they aren't close enough for a party invite. Sounds like that mother likes to suit herself.
The right thing to do would have been to invite your son, even if they weren't 'best friends' as a thank you for all the times you have helped out with the son.
She is a CF and definitely step away from this relationship.

dogwoofbark · 10/11/2018 12:52

Rtft. The boys are friends.

dogwoofbark · 10/11/2018 12:53

Just for a bit more context - I initially started helping out because of our sons friendship- they get on well and the little boy does invite my son over to his to play too, although usually when his mum is picking him up and he wants to carry on playing as opposed to a pre arranged play date.

EleanorLavish · 10/11/2018 12:56

I have read the full thread Hmm.
What i mean is either the kids are or aren't friends, she cant have it both ways.

dogwoofbark · 10/11/2018 12:56

Oh right. Gotcha.

happinessischocolate · 10/11/2018 13:00

Likewise with helping the mum out. If she asks, just explain that you could originally help because the boys got on so well, but as her son ha decided the closeness has come to a natural end then it would be wrong to force them to spend time together.

This, all said with a big innocent smile plus a head tilt 😊

mcmooberry · 10/11/2018 13:10

She is a CF and please don't invite her son to your son's party either. It doesn't even sound like her son doesn't want your DS there, it sounds like it came from her. I have no idea why parents don't take into consideration favours done when children's parties come around. I overruled my DD and invited a child whose mother had loaned us a tea urn on a previous occasion and even though I had already given a bottle of wine by way of thanks so I am constantly shocked by these CFs.

MumW · 10/11/2018 13:11

Next time she asks for help, I'd be inclined to say "No, the 2 boys have fallen out since your DS told my DS he was getting an invite and then when he came to handing them out told him 'you don't always get what you want' so is understandably upset"

I'd want to know if my child had done so that I could explain how spiteful he was and rectify the situation. If she already knows/set it up then she's shown her true colours and can't expect help from you.

dustarr73 · 10/11/2018 13:18

Likewise with helping the mum out. If she asks, just explain that you could originally help because the boys got on so well, but as her son ha decided the closeness has come to a natural end then it would be wrong to force them to spend time together.

This with bells on

happinessischocolate · 10/11/2018 13:28

Please keep us updated OP on what happens next time she expects a favour

NWQM · 10/11/2018 13:32

I felt I had to grit my teeth and invite my sons requested people to his party despite him being regularly missed out of there parties.

I've already said to my two that unless they have a whole class disco type party we aren't doing it again. I'd rather spend the money on a really good outing for the family.

For me the invite depends on what your son wants. If he wants to extend an invite then okay but also it's good if he knows he doesn't have to if it would make him feel sad.

I would definitely back off the favours as you've said you aren't friends really with the Mum. She was rude to not at least explain why your son wasn't invited.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/11/2018 14:18

Very bad, and the child sounds really rude, bet he would not be saying that if he were in your ds position, and would be crying to mummy. I would start being unavailable to help her now. Really sad for your poor ds, especially if they are good friends and he said that ds was going to be invited, very bad.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/11/2018 14:21

NO don't invite the boy as it is obvious they are not good friends. Teach your ds not to be walked over and treated badly.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/11/2018 14:22

And no gritting of teeth and 'trying to be the bigger person', it is feels wrong then it is wrong. So don't invite.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/11/2018 14:35

Like others said, only if despite ds knowing he was not invited to the party, but him still wanting this boy there at his party, than I would as they are his wishes, but no more favours and playdates, encourage him to play with other friends.

Original poster
firenze86 · 10/11/2018 15:05

My son actually brought the subject up just now. He asked how many people could come to his party and then listed who he wanted to invite, not including the boy in question. I haven’t had any input in who he invites other than telling him the amount of children so it looks like he has made his mind up about his “friend” himself. I’ve also said we will take a new-ish friend of his out with us one day soon, hopefully they will become closer from now on.

OP posts:
Andylion · 10/11/2018 15:07

Yeah my money is on the mother telling him to say that has she most likely feels your the hired help (but so stupid as not to be paid for your time and effort).

I doubt the mother told her child to say that if the OP's child asked about an invitation. He likely heard it in other circumstances.