Another party invite thread - sorry!

[firenze86]

My son (7) came home from school upset that he hadn’t got an invitation to his friends birthday party (cinema trip). His friend who’s birthday it is lives on our street. I often have him for a few hours or full days while his mum works. We’ve also given her lifts to work, doctors appointments, the shops, to school and back etc. as she doesn’t drive. I know you can’t expect an invitation but the boys are close friends and we do a lot for them. We looked after him last weekend and he talked about his birthday and the cinema trip and said my son was invited, and then brought invitations to school for the other boys in the friendship group but not DS. He was upset and the birthday boy told him “you can’t always get what you want” - obviously true but also a bit spiteful to say when he was upset? Aibu to be upset on behalf on my son and should I mention it? Carry on as normal? Not help out as much from now on? I’m perfectly prepared to be told IABU just wondering others opinions!

Yanbu

Hurt my child , you are dead to me

Very inconsiderate and thoughtless

No more favours

But say NOTHING

Smile and be gracious

Next time she asks for something

‘Sorry hun busy that time . No can do ! Sorry 🙂’

And repeat

Mean chintz! She - and their family

@Aeroflotgirl- saw that- and glad he has decided. I'd be supporting that decision happily!

I have seen another thread similar to this a few weeks ago. Same happened to my cousin with her neighbor long time ago. Kids are in their 20s now.

My impression is that in the case of my cousin, she has low self esteem and was grateful her dd had friends around as she never had that. Her neighbor must have picked on that and was taking her for granted.
The not inviting her dd at party was a final straw but there had been other signs that she had decided to ignore, i.e. neighbor always sending her kids to her but never inviting back, neighbor having other mums friends around for wine but not inviting my cousin... neighbor kids being rude sometimes...etc etc.

She drew a line at the birthday event as it was so upsetting for her dd to be excluded.

She never looked back though and completely cut the neighbor out of her life and her dd is now a confident grown woman who is not shy to cut out cf from her life.
She still mentions in a jockey way the neighbor name to give examples of cheeky fu* whenever she spots it!

That is awful mysister some people can be so nasty, what a user, and I suspect this neighbour of op is of the same ilk. Did the neighbour ask your cousin what was wrong, why she had gone cold on her. Probably deep down she knew she was sussed out.

Aereoflotgirl
Just asked her as we are having coffees.
She says that neighbor confronted her when she stopped accepting her kids over.
Dear cousin told her very matter off fact that her dd has said that true friends wouldn’t behave like that and maybe they were not friends anymore so better to let it go and take separate ways.
Neighbor nearly choked on her wine ( yes she invited my cousin for wine for first time to talk things over!)
Guess she was missing the free childcare and only appreciated what she had once it was gone?

Sadly her kids never talked to my cousins kids again. They were great friend to start with, so I cannot avoid thinking that had the mum behaved in a better way they could still be friends

Good on your cousin, I like it when CF are given their just desserts, teach her a lesson, don't bite the mouth that feeds you.

One of my favourite life quotes...

The mum is not your friend and sounds like she is taking advantage of you! Does she ever watch your son or help out? Even if my kids don’t want one of my friends children to come to their party, I still invite them!!!

How fair is this ..
Under no circumstances offer anymore help or support
If your child is not good enough to be invited. Your not good enough to be running around being her maid dont have him over anymore either
Tough love, friendships should mean more and all this maybe he didnt want him there is not good enough .we are parent and sometimes need to teach certain morals

Next time mum asks for help tell her unfortunately you can't because you're taking your son to see whichever film the party goers watched.

Big smile and walk away. She'll know

I think that the "you can't always get..." might have come from the mum to her own DS, as in:
(Bday child = BC) can I invite Firenze's son?
(Bday child's mum = BCM) No, we already have 6 children, I told you that was it
BC: But I want him to come
BCM: maybe you shouldn't have invited X then
BC: but I have already told him that he could come
BCM: well, you shouldn't have done that, I told you to choose 6 and you gave me other names
BC: but I forgot when I did the list, I really want Firenze's son there
BCM: you can't always get what you want and that's that
(Next day)
OP's son: I thought you had an invite for me?
BC: you can't always get what you want (copying his mum)

So it might not be as bad, but the mum should have realised and made the financial effort anyway. You have done her lots of favours and the kids get along, so she should have invited your son.

I would not punish the child because I don't think it came from him, and with limited numbers the final decision might have been from his mum anyway. However, I think it's positive that your DS has made up his mind after this and is already dealing with it by making a new bday list and arranging other playdates. That's good. If he eventually asks for this child to his party, I would invite unless there are other instances where this child has been unkind to your son. Otherwise, I would let it go.
I would not continue to do any more favours to this mum though.

YANBU.
His mum is using you and it was very mean of her not to send an invite to your DS.
In future when she wants free child care & lifts everywhere tell her you’re busy.
I hope your little boy is ok.

YANBU. The child should not have mentioned it. Your DS should have been invited. It's the cinema- it's not as though there is a limited number of children allowed. I would stop doing favours.

Are you sure it came from the mum? From the boy’s mean comment it sounds to me like they just fell out or something? Otherwise he could have said ‘sorry I wanted to but mum said no’.

Why do mums do this? It seems to happen so frequently on here. My dd is 16 and attended a regular state school, was definitely not the most popular kid in school, but I don’t remember anybody being so thoughtless in the mum world. How is it possible for her not to know your ds would be upset? Honestly I’d have nothing to do with her at all.

Definitely get your ds together with another boy doing something they can talk about at school to show cf’s ds he doesn’t care.

Could it be an oversight? Maybe the invite is still in the child’s bag. As a teacher of 6year olds,I hate parties. Always some child left out and hurt by that. Then you have kids who are invited but, due to some prejudice or other, their parents don’t let them go. Equally hurtful. Parties are a scourge and v expensive too.

Kmckenna77 OP said that the boy told her son no, so no oversight I think 🤔

In the usual serendipitous manner this memory just came up on Facebook. Maybe your neighbour and son were watching this... you can't always get what you want

I still hold fridges from way back over similar things and continue to hate the cheeky chintz tosspots who caused my DCs heartache.....and I really don’t give a you know what over how petty I may be.

I think I’m in the minority here, but maybe there are limited places available. Both in the car, and limited spends to be able to take all the children that they may have wanted to take.
The retort from the child may simply have been a parroted response to his own query to his mum about why he can’t take more of his friends to the cinema. He may have been forced to prioritise the friends he wants to take out for his birthday. I’ve been in this situation quite a few times with my own kids.

There may simply be more to it than assumed.

puffylovett

I disagree - if he couldn't come due to any of the reasons younmentions then party mum would've spoke to OP and explained 'in really sorry but.....'
The party boy would know this reason and wouldn't have been so mean.
I've done limited parties and invited others to sleepovers or play date etc later .....

Well that’s your opinion and of course you are entitled to it, maybe the parents just aren’t that close. Or maybe the other mum is a little bit thoughtless. Or maybe like many of us she just has no time to think, as she’s too busy juggling. Maybe she just hasn’t got around to having that conversation yet, and everybody here is quick to judge.

Maybe like others have said, the kids aren’t that close and are thrown together by circumstance. Who knows?!

Time to stop the favours op then, your good enough for childcare, free taxi, but your son is not good enough fora party invitation.

Very hurtful. YANBU.

Normally I'd say "say nothing and just back away", but considering all you've done for the family I'd mention it. I'd bring it up by asking the mum how the party arrangements were going, and depending on her reaction, would possibly ask about the invitations. I'd start off by giving the benefit of the doubt because misunderstandings do happen even when the facts appear to speak for themselves.

If, however, I was unhappy with her response for whatever reason then I'd back off from all the help you've been providing.