Daughters c section & MIL

[Ohmyohmyohmyohmy]

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

I was discharged after a crash cs and came home to people on my doorstep. It floored me. I was extremely frightened, having flashbacks, traumatised and exhausted. I had bleeding nipples and flooding lochia, a weeping cs wound and the journey home had been excruciating. A long drive and a screaming baby and I hadn't slept a wink for 3 days. I couldn't even get out the car and speak to them. DH v politely sent them home.

A traumatic cs and baby blues and the utter disorientation of leaving hospital is something you can't judge if you haven't experienced it. I wish your DD a good recovery. Let her talk talk and talk some more and be very gentle.

@Cherries101 her daughter needed to handle it better? What a joke! How about the MIL should have handled it better or her son should have possibly handled it better! Let's all blame the woman who's just grown and given birth to the baby that everyone is arguing over!

This thread is making me so angry, a traumatic birth can have a massive impact on anyone and this type of behaviour will just make the OP's daughter look back on it with even more ill feeling.

Yes it would have been nice for the MIL to visit at the hospital but for this time she should have sucked up her own feelings and put her DIL first, she could have had a word with her son afterwards but to do it in this way is beyond ridiculous and selfish.

I had a traumatic birth and visitors pushed onto me the day we came home and every day there after...I honestly believe all this led to my postpartum psychosis...my DC was treated like a doll and I barely got to hold my dc.Dc would constantly be changed into the clothes they bought ,so I think looking after the mothers mental health is paramount.i wish I had of made my feelings clear as maybe I wouldn't to have gone through such an awful illness.Good for your DD standing up for herself

Smallplant I agree. This seems to have been mishandled to me. There's no need for all this angst. I get it that a c section isn't fun but both sets of gp want to be needed and included. It's a shame it came to this.

The MIL is being incredibly insensitive and quite awful really.

Does she have no consideration for your DD who has obviously been thorough a very traumatic time and who is trying to bond with her new baby?

It's not about which GM saw/held baby first for God's sake, it's about ensuring new Mum and new baby are happy and healthy and safe and comfortable.

Switch off your phones. She has been told and won't listen to reason.

She's YOUR DD, it's natural she would want you there at the hospital, not her MIL.

Get SIL to do all the communication with his mother.

But tell him, kindly, to only say definitive things. So instead of what you posted previously about his text - will let you know, probably an hour- keep it to - will let you know.

My MIL takes things as set in stone and cannot cope with anyone not making absolute concrete plans. To the extent that when DH and I were vaguely in the area but not planning to visit, because they were busy, she badgered FIL so much about what time we would arrive that he said 30 minutes. So she rushed to get lunch ready for us. Then it was our fault when we didn’t arrive in time for lunch.

I know that is completely different, but it shows how some people think. If SIL’s mum is like that then he needs to stick to -I will call you - like a broken record.

I hope your DD feels better very soon. I know that an emergency C-section can be traumatic.

Everyone saying the DD and/or OP should've handled it better are being ridiculous. The MIL should've listened to her son and waited until she received the call from him – which he said he'd do after getting home - rather than waiting outside the house to ambush them. Taking your first baby home is such a lovely, milestone moment for new parents and the MIL's pushiness has blighted it for them. Now the first few precious days of their child's life is being spent having to deal with deflecting a row with a woman who won't respect their boundaries.

It's a shame it came to this.

Indeed. MIL could have waited an hour and not acted like a spoiled brat showing up with congratulations and kindness instead of unjustified ranting and raving.

What probably doesn't help matters is MIL will now see you are gaining through this situation as baby (and new parents) are staying the night with you.

I'm always amazed that people turn this into Grandma Trump's.An new mum wants her mum,not someone else's.Mil is not interested in a new mums health and well being.,that's not wrong but to make it about her and have no respect for her son and dil is.

Well tbh, if Op's daughter is going to be off work for a while her her husband at work then Op is probably going to see more of her & the baby anyway.

Thing is, she turned up and her son and her had a blazing row.

Which says to me that their relationship isn’t great and quite possibly that he is used to her being selfish and difficult and was trying to protect his DP / DC by making it very clear to his mum that he doesn’t appreciate this kind of behaviour.

She doesn’t sound that close to her son, so probably isn’t going to be close to his kids, she needs to accept that not be jealous that you are close to your daughter.

"Thing is, she turned up and her son and her had a blazing row."

Yes that's the odd thing.

MIL obviously got defensive, hence the "it's not fair", but he should have either turned her away or let her in without a row-or got her out of the house before Op's daughter felt the need to call her.

There is no other major surgery where thr patient would be expected to put up with her partner's family like this and child birth is no different. Anyone has to wait until the mother who has just given birth is ready. She is the one who has been through a traumatic time, she gets to say who she feels up to seeing. Thank goodness your SIL is sticking up for your DD. Block the MIL and let him deal with her and all communication. My family don't even have my ILs contact details and vice versa.

I think it’s horrible how women are expected to play gracious hostess to family and friends after traumatic births - or in some cases, to just give over the baby.

My MIL got some lovely photos of DS1 in the hospital - with her, with DH, with SFIL, oh and a couple with my leg in the background. Same with my mum, got dad to take a couple photos of her with DS1 then fucked off with barely a “u ok hun?”

It really set the tone for their first days of grannyness and is why DS2 and I had only DH and DS1 visit in hospital.

"It is just as much her grandchild as yours"

This sort of statement does my head in. The OP's daughter had emergency surgery to deliver the grandchild, the MIL's son did not.

Congrats on your new grandchild OP, I hope you or baby's dad get MIL to understand that there are times things aren't about her and she needs to zip it. Looks like clear boundaries need to be set out for her very soon so she doesn't turn into a nightmare.

Bananas. Wow just wow. My daughter is recovering from a c section. She did not say she couldn’t see the baby. Her partner, asked to wait a little. No one said she couldn’t see baby. Have you read the entire thread?

I didn’t choose or manipulate this situation. I’d been there at the birth and was home enjoying a bit of me time, when I was thrust into a situation that was well out of my control. I had an hysterical daughter with a 3 day old baby on the phone. I naturally went to her. The rest is all my daughter and son in laws decisions.

Personally I agree there are two parents and two sets of grand parents. No one has rights over anyone else. Both grand parents are equal.

But my daughters health and mental wellbeing comes first right now. She is not being unreasonable or malious, she’s scared, tired and exhausted. And could of done without a drama like this.

I have not become involved at all. I took my daughter to my house at her request and with the blessing of her partner.

If that was my daughter who has just had a cs,and was driven out of her own home to get a bit of peace, I think I would flip my shit about her having the nerve to dare to shout when my daughter had just come out of hospital.
Looking after poorly 14 year old daughter at home asleep at the moment so feeling very protective.
I would wipe the floor with her about saying a word about me being at the hospital with my child.

I understand that if she has been a bit pushy that it's not really appropriate, but blocking her - is that really an answer? She's the mother of the child's father: she is not going to just vanish. I agree with suggestions to calm the situation down, wipe the slate clean etc. This is not a new situation, but how it's handled matters a lot. In fact, I remember my in laws showing up at the hospital when I was in the birthing suit, still in labour! Husband told them it was best to go home and wait but we understood that they were just excited. I certainly didn't start trying to exclude them. It's not ideal, of course, but don't make it worse. I hope it all turns out ok and new mum makes a fast recovery. MIL will come in very handy for babysitting soon enough!!

To add to earlier, yes, new mum needs taking care of. She's fragile. I don't mean that she's done anything wrong, but mum in law now needs a few kind words although she does need to wait. She has to back off but don't block her etc. It will make it all worse.

Yes but if her own son wants to exclude her it is NOT the place of OP or her DD to say aww bless she’s just excited, here let’s hand over baby.

He has experienced her parenting. He knows her best. And he sounds keen to establish boundaries with her. Sensible people would see that and respect it IMO.

It’s not just about the MIL being an equal grandparent but also about the son being a parent and this is a boundary he definitely gets to draw.

There's so much "selective reading" going on in this thread.

• Emergency c-section
• Traumatic birth experience
• Baby spending the first night in ICU
• New parents wanting a few hours to settle in at home before the paternal grandmother visited.

And some people's concern is how "nasty" the Mum is for trying to keep away her MIL. Ignoring that it was keep away long enough to settle in at home and that this was the same wish as her partner.

I agree with @bananas. The OP’s dd is being deliberately nasty here. Lets hope OP doesn’t do anything to pee her off.