To have not told DH about my new job/business?

[noddingnoodle]

There's a whole back story to this that I won't go into too much. However, we have two children, in reception and year 1, one with special needs. A few weeks ago, DH said that he had bitten his tongue long enough and I needed to get a job. i was confused as he had never said anything before this time. We cannot use childcare for y child with special needs and have no family around, so I told him that the job would have to be during school hours only.

He looked enraged and told me that I was making excuses to not find a job. I told him that I loved working and would love to work again, but my work has to fit around the children. I do 98% of the childcare and 100% of everything around the house.

I told him that I get carer's allowance to allow me to stay at home with the children because DS has special needs. He said that that wasn't my contribution, it was the government's.

At this point I start to feel quite sick and tearful. I can't believe that my husband thinks about me this way.

I said 'do you think I'm lazy?' he said 'no, but all you do is sit at home all day'. I said that I contributed to our family more than enough - he contributed financially and I contributed by doing all the childcare and everything around the house, plus the carer's allowance I get.

This went on and on.

Last week I decided to do something for myself for the first time in 5 years. I set up a small business (think along the lines of cleaning, dog walking, etc) so I could work flexibly around the children. I had a leaflet designed, set up a facebook business page, ordered a few supplies, etc. I am due to open for business on Monday but haven't told DH about any of this....

Partly because he will call this a 'pretend job'. He told me I should be stacking shelves or on the till at Sainsburys.

Partly because if I don't get any interest then I will just feel even worse about myself than I do already and he will know that I have failed.

But most importantly, partly because I am hoping it will be a success and I can stick it to him that I am now superwoman and am doing it all.

Should I tell him? and at what point should I tell him?

Don't tell him, save all the cash and dump him. He sounds bloody awful op.

He sounds horrible!!! For a start, why is he do NOTHING for kids and around the house, then accuses you of sitting around all day.... I'm gobsmacked that you haven't left to be honest.

Give it a few weeks (I really hope it's a success too). If he questions it, suggest he cuts his hours back and takes on some parenting duties so you can go out to work instead.

Unbelievable.

I don’t think I could be with a man so disrespectful and horrible. I hope your business is wildly successful so that you can build up a nest egg and leave.

yep santa is right. he sounds like a horrible shit op.

I would bill him for 50% of wrap around childcare for 2 kids until they go to bed and see whether he thinks you contribute then.

he will get a shock when he has to look after the children on his own if you leave him.

I don’t know when you should tell him about your job.

But I have to say he sounds like a total arsehole. He does no housework and no parenting ?

Does he have any good points at all?

Wait until you have some clients before you tell him. And like fuck is it a pretend job. Your DH sounds like an arse. Make sure that you keep some of your earnings aside and don't be putting it all in the pot.

Ah, yes, the ol' 'contributing' lark. I had a boyfriend like this once. He felt that women should 'contribute' financially, 50/50, because they wanted to be equal, but the same did not apply to men and lifework. Funny that. He didn't last long. I also have a friend who recently divorced her twat husband after 26 years. They have 2 disabled daughters. He tried to claim she shouldn't get 50/50 of assets because she 'brought nothing to the table' for 26 years and 'didn't contribute'. The court disagreed. She actually got more like a 60/40 split.

So when he ordered you to work, I'm guessing he never sat down for a mature discussion about how the childcare and lifework would be split, right? Was it 'You need to work outside the home and still do it all?'

I wouldn't tell him shit and use the money to bulk up my personal savings.

When your business takes off you’ll be earning a lot more than stacking shelves at sainsburys. He sounds so disrespectful when he should be grateful how much you take care of his children!

If I question the fact that he doesn't do anything, he gets this awful look on his face and says 'I WORK!'.

I wouldn’t tell him. Why would you when he issues h a dick. I agree with pp. save up the income. You may need it. If you tell him he will probably take it all from you and start telling him you owe him money if you haven’t split the bills 50/50. Not to mention telling him that you did what he told you and got a job will only validate his opinion and reinforce the belief that he has a right to tell you what to do.

You deserve far better op, I hope in time you come to see that. Give your new business your absolute best effort, fingers crossed for you.

The thing is that he will notice that something's going on with new things around the house from the business. It will be impossible to hide it for long.

I just want to get up to, even part time hours, before I tell him.

So if he doesn’t have to help at home because he works, then the same should apply to you if you’re working- ask him whose doing the house stuff if you get a job

Ime, Husbands who start coming out with this stuff usually have had their head turned and the OW is 'selling herself' on her merits, which is working, whilst putting down the SAHM.

Either that or he's came up with it as he's looking for an excuse to find fault in his Wife and therfore be less guilty.

And All the best with the business OP :)

OP, he sounds like an absolute twat.

You’re NBU not to tell this UTTER TWAT anything, except for ‘talk to my solicitor’.

He’s a disrespectual, nasty, stupid twat. I hope you see sense and LTB who clearly thinks so little of you. You (and the DC) deserve FAR better.

I hope your business does well, but it’s not the main issue here.

Also you could look at vacancies and ask him how it's going to work, now the household/child management has to be split.

He would have to do a lot more childcare and housework if he had to move out and have the kids EOW.

But then I think maybe he's right. We have two school aged children, and I should be working during the few hours they're at school I just don't know what to think...

but nodding if you worked during school hours, would he for instance help with the childcare, and the housework?

he wants you to do everything in the house, with the kids and work too whilst he goes to work, comes home and sits on his arse by the sound of it.

That isn't fair.

The fact that he thinks you should work is not really the issue. It could be that he is worried about finances or any other reason.
The issue is the way he is communicating with you. He sounds awful.

Think that he's an arse. He's an entitled twat who believes that working is a get out of life pass.

Presumably you’re keeping the house ticking over?

Laundry
Tidying
Cleaning
Ironing
Hoovering
Food prep
Shopping
Etc.

If you’re sitting on your arse while the housekeeper and cleaner work round you then fine, he has a point. But I expect that’s not the case.

I suspect all the ferrying of kids to parties, hosting play dates, collecting from clubs etc will also all fall to you in the future if it doesn’t already.

Crocky He is not worried about finances. He just wants to see that i'm working as much as him. He told me i should work in Sainsbury's at the weekends. I told him i wouldn't do that as i would never see my children.