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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not told DH about my new job/business?

142 replies

noddingnoodle · 09/11/2018 12:22

There's a whole back story to this that I won't go into too much. However, we have two children, in reception and year 1, one with special needs. A few weeks ago, DH said that he had bitten his tongue long enough and I needed to get a job. i was confused as he had never said anything before this time. We cannot use childcare for y child with special needs and have no family around, so I told him that the job would have to be during school hours only.

He looked enraged and told me that I was making excuses to not find a job. I told him that I loved working and would love to work again, but my work has to fit around the children. I do 98% of the childcare and 100% of everything around the house.

I told him that I get carer's allowance to allow me to stay at home with the children because DS has special needs. He said that that wasn't my contribution, it was the government's.

At this point I start to feel quite sick and tearful. I can't believe that my husband thinks about me this way.

I said 'do you think I'm lazy?' he said 'no, but all you do is sit at home all day'. I said that I contributed to our family more than enough - he contributed financially and I contributed by doing all the childcare and everything around the house, plus the carer's allowance I get.

This went on and on.

Last week I decided to do something for myself for the first time in 5 years. I set up a small business (think along the lines of cleaning, dog walking, etc) so I could work flexibly around the children. I had a leaflet designed, set up a facebook business page, ordered a few supplies, etc. I am due to open for business on Monday but haven't told DH about any of this....

Partly because he will call this a 'pretend job'. He told me I should be stacking shelves or on the till at Sainsburys.

Partly because if I don't get any interest then I will just feel even worse about myself than I do already and he will know that I have failed.

But most importantly, partly because I am hoping it will be a success and I can stick it to him that I am now superwoman and am doing it all.

Should I tell him? and at what point should I tell him?

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 09/11/2018 13:10

My gosh, what a piece of shit he is. I hope you can find a way to leave him.

category12 · 09/11/2018 13:10

Why are you even with him? He's horrid. Don't have more dc with him fgs.

Ellisandra · 09/11/2018 13:10

@Frouby that was so good to read!

Good luck with your business OP Flowers

JohnCRaven · 09/11/2018 13:12

Don't tell him, save all the cash and dump him. He sounds bloody awful op.

^^This. People who think non paid mums (esp of SN DC) sit and do nothing during the day forget they're on call 24/7 in case children are poorly at school, have an accident and need picking up, cook, meal plan, food purchase, clean, organise a household plus the school rush in the mornings (say 7-9am) and afternoons including child care 3.15 till 7.15pm so that's 6 hours a day just on child care plus all the running of the household tasks. Definitely a 8+hour day. Plus dealing with night wakings.

Non paid mums I applaud you. But husbands rarely appreciate them.

Rachelover40 · 09/11/2018 13:13

Well done you! Keep it to yourself for as long as possible and tell where to stick his opinions in future. Horrible man.

Micke · 09/11/2018 13:15

I went and got a job then sat down with DP to split up the pickups and drop offs, and discuss how we were going to deal with school holidays and sickness.

DP, who had flexitime I might add, told me that whilst technically they were family friendly company with flexitime, in practise noone was expected to take it, so he couldn't do drop offs (the easy one, would have given him plenty of time to get to work. The hard one was going to be getting back in time for pickups, and I was going to figure that out). He told me that he couldn't guarantee any time off for holidays, or that he would be able to look after the kids when sick. So I had to turn down the job.

Had I not then picked up a better, freelance job (which paid nearly as much as DP earned, but I could work around the kids) I think it would have broken our relationship.

OP - have the above conversation, it'll tell you everything you need to know, (if you're not already convinced by his behaviour)

GreyCloudsToday · 09/11/2018 13:17

Good luck with your business, I hope it's a tremendous success for you Flowers

user1487194234 · 09/11/2018 13:18

I can see why you don't want to tell him,but would ask if that is really the best way forward.Surely keeping that kind of secret is likely to be detrimental to you as a couple.More not less communication should be the way forward.
I wonder why he is bringing this up now.Did you agree to so many yeas as a SAHM

OhTheRoses · 09/11/2018 13:21

Bloody hell op. Hope the business is a stonking success. If you tell him, keep at least half your earnings hidden.

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2018 13:21

He's a pig. He's wrong and you need to leave

Good luck!

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 09/11/2018 13:22

Just to make it clear - of course I will be telling him. Just maybe not straight away. I will wait until things have gotten off the ground first.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/11/2018 13:23

Are you really planning on staying with him? I couldn’t.

When he says he WORKS - oh don’t be silly that’s your company paying us just like the govt pay me for caring for dc. What are you ACTUALLY going to contribute?

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 09/11/2018 13:23

Thank you everyone for cheering me on. It means the absolute world to me Smile

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 09/11/2018 13:27

Nodding, I might actually try that. Put yourself down for some Xmas hours - evenings, weekends, whatever they want you to do. And let him sort out the DCs. More money in your pocket and you get to stitch him up with family time, which he obviously thinks is a piece of piss!

A few weeks to earn some extra Xmas cash and to show him what a dick he’s being would be well worth it.

Canaryyellow1 · 09/11/2018 13:28

I’m in the same situation. Special needs child. Me at home.

DH is panicking about money and although not being horrible like yours (how nasty! Tell him to go do one!) - there’s indirectly MASSIVE pressure. Lots of ‘we can’t afford this or that... have you thought of... no holidays and whenever I buy a pair of jeans... oh not more packages...’

It’s horrible you have my sympathies. Am also starting a business but it’s unlikely to make much.

Bring up a SN child is unbelievably tough!

Assholes!

I’m going to tot up how much i do and how much we’d have to pay a professional to do it. And send it next time I buy a pair of jeans.

EerieSilence · 09/11/2018 13:29

I am struggling to find any redeeming qualities in that person.
Start the business and get it going. Leave him.

1ndig0 · 09/11/2018 13:34

OP your DH sounds hideous. He has shown his true colours.

I really hope your business works out and no, you are under no obligation to tell him anything, the fool! Are you in SW London, by any chance - I will use whatever services you offer if so and also spread the word.

What a tosser.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/11/2018 13:35

DH said that he had bitten his tongue long enough and I needed to get a job

Then he said that as you will be working, he will do 50% of all the work around the house, and has sorted out childcare.

Oh he didn't? How surprising.

SassitudeandSparkle · 09/11/2018 13:35

Isn't there an earnings limit if you receive the carer's allowance?

ButchyRestingFace · 09/11/2018 13:39

You poor thing. What a nasty bastard. I would hold off telling him for as long as possible.

And get saving.

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 09/11/2018 13:41

Sassitude Yes, and I will stick to that until I can be confident that I have enough clients to stop carer's allowance.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 09/11/2018 13:43

I love the idea of leaving daddy in charge for a Saturday..

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 09/11/2018 13:50

You poor thing, OP.

Can you phone up a specialist care service/nanny service to get an estimate of what wraparound childcare for your children (including your DC with SN) would cost, and give him the bill?

What do you get from being married to such a bully?

findingmywaytoday · 09/11/2018 13:53

If he is going to put you down keep it to yourself for now., last thing you need is him dragging you down.

In the meantime I'd bloody invoice him for what it would cost to do what you do around d the house because if you weren't there he's either have to step in or pay someone to do it!

SoEverybodyDance · 09/11/2018 13:55

Good luck with the business, I hope it is a TREMENDOUS success and you start out-earning him very soon.

I don't understand why he would only have you do rather mindless, unfulfilling jobs than something you would enjoy that would fulfil your obviously enterprising personality. He seems to think very little of your talents and abilities and this has all sorts of repercussions, this disregard, this sexism, which will inevitably affect your childrens' view of you and women in general. (if inadvertently)

I find it quite shocking. My DH and I are always trying to encourage each other to acheive our goals and ambitions. I would be very concerned about that.

Don't tell him...