To have not told DH about my new job/business?

[noddingnoodle]

There's a whole back story to this that I won't go into too much. However, we have two children, in reception and year 1, one with special needs. A few weeks ago, DH said that he had bitten his tongue long enough and I needed to get a job. i was confused as he had never said anything before this time. We cannot use childcare for y child with special needs and have no family around, so I told him that the job would have to be during school hours only.

He looked enraged and told me that I was making excuses to not find a job. I told him that I loved working and would love to work again, but my work has to fit around the children. I do 98% of the childcare and 100% of everything around the house.

I told him that I get carer's allowance to allow me to stay at home with the children because DS has special needs. He said that that wasn't my contribution, it was the government's.

At this point I start to feel quite sick and tearful. I can't believe that my husband thinks about me this way.

I said 'do you think I'm lazy?' he said 'no, but all you do is sit at home all day'. I said that I contributed to our family more than enough - he contributed financially and I contributed by doing all the childcare and everything around the house, plus the carer's allowance I get.

This went on and on.

Last week I decided to do something for myself for the first time in 5 years. I set up a small business (think along the lines of cleaning, dog walking, etc) so I could work flexibly around the children. I had a leaflet designed, set up a facebook business page, ordered a few supplies, etc. I am due to open for business on Monday but haven't told DH about any of this....

Partly because he will call this a 'pretend job'. He told me I should be stacking shelves or on the till at Sainsburys.

Partly because if I don't get any interest then I will just feel even worse about myself than I do already and he will know that I have failed.

But most importantly, partly because I am hoping it will be a success and I can stick it to him that I am now superwoman and am doing it all.

Should I tell him? and at what point should I tell him?

I do think a SAHP to school age children should do most (note I say "most" of the housework).

Maybe worth having the conversation that you've thought about what he's said and you're going to look for a job, but can you first both sit down and work out how you will split the childcare and housework when you are both working. I think that might be an illuminating conversation.

And if you work at the weekends will he wash dishes, put on laundry, feed and entertain the DC...?

Do you have access to the bank account? Is there a financial crisis in the home looming that you are unaware of?

My dsis had this with her exh.

She went out and got a care job working evenings and weekends so her h was home to look after the dcs. He argued she should be working while the dcs were at school. She asked him to find her a job working school, termtime hours as her ds had additional needs too.

He couldn't find anything funnily enough. They lasted 3 months before he gave her an ultimatum and said 'it's me or the job because I can't cope with working all day then looking after the dcs' The irony that he was actually expecting dsis to do exactly that was lost on him.

Anyway she picked the job. He left and as she had no childcare for evenings her employers juggled her hours for her.

She is much happier without him.

If you are working, is he going to do more housework, look after the dcs, put them to bed, take them to hospital appointments etc...?
I doubt it.
He is more likely to say he is REALLY working when actually you still are doing little (it’s kart time), arent earning that much (MW) etc etc

I wouldn’t tell him until he is asking. And even then, I would play it down.
The Not working was just another stick to beat you up with.

On the other side, setting up this job is one of the first thing you’ve done for yourself for years. Keep it that way. Keep it something you are doing for yourself. Use it as a way to boost your self esteem and feel good about yourself.
And tell him when you are ready for it.

Do be careful of how much you earn in case it affects your carers.
I too cross with him to comment on the other stuff.

I would be absolutely ragingwoth him for those comments.

I’d be tempted to go and get a job, then TELL him he had to do 50% of everything including the childcare!

But no, I wouldn’t tell him about the business, and well done

Oh and don’t forget to drop a bill on his lap tonight for
Childcare
Cooking
Cleaning
Admin
Etc etc

Get an evening job and hand over all stuff to him. Also if he does nothing in the evening, take that equivalent time for yourself during the day. Then he will see whats not done and that you are not sat around.

Oh OP, I so so hope it works out for you!!

So at the weekends would he take on sole care and do all the cooking and housework needed on those days?

I don't think I could forgive him for that

BUT do you have full viability of finances? Is there enough money for you not to work in some capacity?

Actually, I would call his bluff. Head out at 8.30am tomorrow and say you're job-hunting for a weekend job. Stay out all day (go and see a film/have coffee/visit a museum). See how he gets on when you arrive home, exhausted at 6.30pm.

Take a step back. How are your finances? Ok or a bit tight? Is his job secure or is there something on the horizon that makes him worry?

I’m not excusing how he has spoken to you. That is out of order and he could have tackled the subject a much better way. I’m just trying to think if there is a reason behind him bringing this up. Pressure at work for example, can cause people to lash out. He may perceive you are getting a easier time at home. But raising a family isn’t just about the financial contribution so he does need reminding of that. I think you need to have a calm conversation about why he asked you about getting a job.

Personally i think if are having to hide your new business (because you feel he won’t support you) that’s a bad sign more generally in terms of trust, communication and respect between you and him. But I can understand why you are in the circumstances. The question you need to ask is do you want to be with someone who isn’t going to support you? Or with someone where you have to prove your success before he respects your business?

He has - very sadly - shown that he isn’t trustworthy to rely on financially or emotionally.

Since becoming a parent he has maintained his career and personal earning power, facilitated by you, to your potential economic detriment.

He now no longer wishes to be the sole earner; and presumably you no longer wish to be financially dependent on him due to his attitudes and statements.

Options now include HIM changing HIS working life to parent more; childcare (if possible given your DC’s additional needs); you working full time; and so on.

I can't believe the arrogance in the words of the man that you call your husband. You're supposed to be a team but instead it sounds like he is working against you. Who does all the childcare and the housework when you're not there? Has he given you a response? I would be having serious words with him along the lines of "you've said your piece now let me say mine" and I can honestly say my word would be law, because you're not doing the lions-share, you are doing it all. Him working isn't an excuse to not pull his weight at home, he lives there too. Are you happy? You sound very courageous but OP you simply cannot do it all, you're only human.

LTB. You will be a thousand times better without this dickhead putting you down.

Good luck with your business.

The way he speaks to you is unacceptable, start up your business, tell him nothing earn for yourself so you have the option to leave. There are always lots of people on these threads who say well how else would all of the home tasks get done, cleaning, life admin, laundry, pick ups, drop offs etc, well actually plenty of families have two full time working parents who still need to do all of that stuff as well, if both children are at school full time there's no need for someone not to work at all just to do those tasks, so yes go to work and he'll have to pick up his half of the housework.

This man is abusive. It's not about 'fairness', or concern for your career prospects - it is going to be almost impossible for you to get a job and keep it when you have young DC with SEN and a man who won't contribute anything in the way of childcare - no employer is going to allow you to keep leaving work because your DC are sick or have had meltdown or whatever.
So your H doesn't actually want you to be employed at all: he just wants an excuse to bully you.

Dump the cunt.

LTB

All that jazz

I am enraged on your behalf OP. If it was so easy to find school hour, term time roles than I'm sure we would all be doing them! I myself wouldn't tell DH about your business, and CERTAINLY not about any money you have earned. I would allow it to build up in a savings account as a 'safety net' for want of a better term.

If you were to get a job I can see it would be like PPs have mentioned. You go to work, but because it is only a part time / min wage / whatever, it will never be a "proper job" in his eyes.

I say this from experience, I currently work part time yet do EVERYTHING around the house and for our two DC. I often get a call at work (I work early shifts 3 times a week) along the lines of "Where is DC1's coat? / bag / shoes / football kit" when he is in the house and I am 15 miles away! I am expected to know the exact whereabouts of every item in the house, and the dates of every single non uniform / funny socks / whatever ridiculous theme day at school. I have had a blazing row with him just today along this theme, so I am quite grumpy, sorry for the rant!

I like GreenFingers' idea. He really needs a glimpse of the reality of looking after small children all day, particularly when one has special needs.

It will be much, much harder to build your personal earning power if restricted to school hours and term time only work. (Or indeed evening and weekend work).

What does your H propose to do to enable you to work traditional full time hours, as he has done in the 6 years since becoming a parent?

I'm with @Birdsgottafly something is up. He sounds vile. You really want a life with him in it?

Set up the business, don't tell him and squirrel away as much cash as you can. If you have to tell him then don't reveal the full amount you earn. It sounds like you need to make sure you have something behind you that he can't touch.

Wow, is he always this awful?

YANBU, don’t tell him a thing. I’d also be considering whether I wanted to stay married to someone who thought so little of me.