To have not told DH about my new job/business?

[noddingnoodle]

There's a whole back story to this that I won't go into too much. However, we have two children, in reception and year 1, one with special needs. A few weeks ago, DH said that he had bitten his tongue long enough and I needed to get a job. i was confused as he had never said anything before this time. We cannot use childcare for y child with special needs and have no family around, so I told him that the job would have to be during school hours only.

He looked enraged and told me that I was making excuses to not find a job. I told him that I loved working and would love to work again, but my work has to fit around the children. I do 98% of the childcare and 100% of everything around the house.

I told him that I get carer's allowance to allow me to stay at home with the children because DS has special needs. He said that that wasn't my contribution, it was the government's.

At this point I start to feel quite sick and tearful. I can't believe that my husband thinks about me this way.

I said 'do you think I'm lazy?' he said 'no, but all you do is sit at home all day'. I said that I contributed to our family more than enough - he contributed financially and I contributed by doing all the childcare and everything around the house, plus the carer's allowance I get.

This went on and on.

Last week I decided to do something for myself for the first time in 5 years. I set up a small business (think along the lines of cleaning, dog walking, etc) so I could work flexibly around the children. I had a leaflet designed, set up a facebook business page, ordered a few supplies, etc. I am due to open for business on Monday but haven't told DH about any of this....

Partly because he will call this a 'pretend job'. He told me I should be stacking shelves or on the till at Sainsburys.

Partly because if I don't get any interest then I will just feel even worse about myself than I do already and he will know that I have failed.

But most importantly, partly because I am hoping it will be a success and I can stick it to him that I am now superwoman and am doing it all.

Should I tell him? and at what point should I tell him?

Save your money for a divorce. Be super careful about earnings not to compromise your CA. I would also find out your tax credit entitlement if you worked a bit more (and was a single parent).

He sounds like an absolute arsehole, he shouldn't be speaking to you like that or making you feel like you need to prove him wrong, he should be your biggest supporter while you're starting up.

That said, lots of people work and look after a house and take care of kids, even with additional needs, there is no harm in you working part time 🤷🏻‍♀️ I do it alone now we have separated, I only get 20 hours in during school hours (in a supermarket! Which you don't seem keen about) but how he has put it across is absolutely wrong and he should be helping you with the kids & housework

I completely understand why you don't want to tell him about it but the fact remains that you feel completely undervalued by the man who is meant to care for you. No matter if your new venture is a success or not and if it gives you more of a feeling of self worth, you're still going to be dragged down by having a partner who has no respect for you.

You need to have an honest conversation with him and explain how his words and actions are making you feel and tell him that it can't continue any longer. You shouldn't have to live in a marriage like that and that needs to be resolved somehow, separate to your decision about whether or not you work.

I have one of those! I have 2 disabled children and have done some form of work since the youngest was 18 months but without childcare, so doing it when they were asleep etc. Plus doing 95% of the child rearing and housework.
He knows I work a bit but he has no idea I earn alot more than what he thinks. He's never wanted a joint account even though I've suggested it numerous times as he's always had more money than me. Now, if we did it, he'd be better off financially. He still doesn't respect any of my work. His hobby takes precedence over my job so if something for his hobby comes up then I have to say no to work but then he'll moan at me for not working!
Go for it!

Good for you, I'd not tell him until I had to. Wtf should you? He's nit showing you any respect for all the things you do.

OP, remember this : He works because you don’t.
You are facilitating his career by looking after his children and doing the housework for him.
They are his kids as much as yours.
If you worked full time, which is your right, he would have to pay for childcare.

I wouldn’t tell him about the business .. save the money and leave him while collecting a good financial settlement on divorce. He can then pay a cleaner to do his cleaning. If he got 50/50 custody ( allowing you to work the same as him) where would that leave his career? He would have to honoart time.

He does not value you.

Perhaps you should point this out to him but I don’t think it will make any difference.

Go part time

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but this has given me raging thoughts!

Say you get a part time job - school hours so say 9:30-2:30 assuming that gives you time to travel to and from work if necessary, what does he suggest you do in the 12+ weeks a year the kids are not in school? Is he willing to use his annual leave to cover part of this time? Add to that the HUGE competition for school your part time jobs (even if you stack shelves or work on a till you don't get to fucking pick and choose your working hours!!)
I have a child who has SN (she has cancer and is blind) I can't just organise after school care and summer holiday care for her because she needs 1 on 1 which no one offers. I had to give up my job so I could be there for the school runs, the holidays, the medical appointments! I miss working full time, I miss the social aspect of working in an office and I feel worthless because despite everything I do, I don't get paid for it so it means nothing.
Money is king. I'd like to see him cope with it all if something were to happen to you. He's taking what you do for granted.
If your business takes off which I really really hope it does. Just cut back on some stuff you do for him. Leave his washing just long enough that he notices he's running out of underwear, make him cook his own dinner a few nights a week, only hoover your side of the bedroom (ok I'm kidding there!) just little things that you simple don't have the time for now that you are WORKING too!
Good luck OP. I'm rooting for you x

So he's prepared to do all of the childcare & cooking on his weekend whilst you go out to work?
Has he thought this through?! 

Good luck with the new business, and well done taking the initiative! Starting a business is v exciting; I'm sure you will be a big suçcess.

What a horrible bastard. I'd save the money you make on getting a divorce asap.
Good luck

He sounds like my vile ex H, so many threads on here reminding me of that fucker this morning! . I left him and it was the best thing I ever did. I have two disabled children and largely reliant on benefits but things are easing off and the children are settled so am tentatively looking for something something that works round them. Please have a look on entitled to at what you may be able to get benefit wise. It's not easy but you may find with those benefits and child support you could afford to leave him quite quickly.

How’s your first week going OP?

Get him a price list for local nursery afterschool childcare. That'll shut him up. Don't tell him re the business til it's making a profit (good luck/hope it does). Massive well done on being proactive, resourceful & self motivated too. Can you put any stuff relating to it in a garage, shed or spare room til it's all up & running fine?

Hi OP! Personally I would say ok I am getting a job, here is a list of half of the household chores each week and here is the days you will be looking after our children including pick ups and drop offs. Split everything down the middle and see how quickly he changes his mind.

Pigeon Not great, so far. I've been advertising all week and no customers yet. I'm feeling a little desperate now

All businesses take time to build!

You need time for your advert to be seen.

Then, people that are interested may need to see it a second or third time to remind themselves - e.g. for cleaning, I might see your ad and think “mmm - it probably is time to get a cleaner” - but it’s not a priority immediately.

But, new businesses are hard. If you can’t get this idea of the ground, that doesn’t make you a failure. It just means you didn’t hit on something needed enough. Take any successful entrepreneur, and they will be able to tell you about the ideas and attempts that didn’t fly.

Do you remember the “this girl can” adverts?

There’s one of a girl out running, a bit very fit girl. Slogan was something like “still lapping the one sat in the sofa”.

That you have tried, is a success itself. You’ve already succeeded over the people with no ideas, or an idea they never put into action.

I’m hoping it just needs more time... but if this isn’t the venture that works out for you, it’s not because you’re a failure!