To have not told DH about my new job/business?

[noddingnoodle]

There's a whole back story to this that I won't go into too much. However, we have two children, in reception and year 1, one with special needs. A few weeks ago, DH said that he had bitten his tongue long enough and I needed to get a job. i was confused as he had never said anything before this time. We cannot use childcare for y child with special needs and have no family around, so I told him that the job would have to be during school hours only.

He looked enraged and told me that I was making excuses to not find a job. I told him that I loved working and would love to work again, but my work has to fit around the children. I do 98% of the childcare and 100% of everything around the house.

I told him that I get carer's allowance to allow me to stay at home with the children because DS has special needs. He said that that wasn't my contribution, it was the government's.

At this point I start to feel quite sick and tearful. I can't believe that my husband thinks about me this way.

I said 'do you think I'm lazy?' he said 'no, but all you do is sit at home all day'. I said that I contributed to our family more than enough - he contributed financially and I contributed by doing all the childcare and everything around the house, plus the carer's allowance I get.

This went on and on.

Last week I decided to do something for myself for the first time in 5 years. I set up a small business (think along the lines of cleaning, dog walking, etc) so I could work flexibly around the children. I had a leaflet designed, set up a facebook business page, ordered a few supplies, etc. I am due to open for business on Monday but haven't told DH about any of this....

Partly because he will call this a 'pretend job'. He told me I should be stacking shelves or on the till at Sainsburys.

Partly because if I don't get any interest then I will just feel even worse about myself than I do already and he will know that I have failed.

But most importantly, partly because I am hoping it will be a success and I can stick it to him that I am now superwoman and am doing it all.

Should I tell him? and at what point should I tell him?

Sadly I have seen this scenario play out with men who have had their head turned and are trying to devalue their partners. My friend was in your position, got a job and did everything her husband asked but it wasn't enough in the end, - he didn't really want that, he just wanted a reason to say he was unhappy and move on with the OW. I sincerely hope that this isn't the case for you, OP. Just be careful that he's actually going to be appreciative of you turning into 'superwoman'. I wish you all the best with the business

I would divorce him first and then do your business otherwise it will be taken into account for the finances and why should he benefit.

Haven't rtft, but do be careful op. You will need to tell DWP about your income, since you receive carer's allowance.

ok- if he is awful then LTB.

in my opinion you need to address the way he speaks to you first and then the financial assistance second.

However, he may be feeling the strain of being the sole earner. I work full time as a single parent and do all my own cleaning etc easily, but i don't have an sn child which i won't pretend to understand. Does he fully grasp how difficult it is to get things done. whilst looking after your child? i think you should share the childcare and see how he reacts.

Sadly I have seen this scenario play out with men who have had their head turned and are trying to devalue their partners

This. My stepdad tried it, despite my mum giving up her career to look after my brothers and follow him round the world to places she couldn't work. You should do some digging. If you are earning but divorce you might get less of a settlement.

Best wishes for the success of your business

OP this sounds awful, but surely there was a conversation about this before you TTC? Regardless of that, you have a child with specific needs so he should be taking that into account. He just sounds awful, I could not tolerate if my supposed ‘partner in life’ has the lack of sense and compassion to be consider me in the way he does you.

I think you should arrange to spend next weekend out of the house from 8am - 6pm. He'll have to look after the children then, when they're not at school. Leave him a shopping list, chores list (ensure it includes wash all school uniform and pe kit etc), hoovering, cleaning up of kitchen, kidsmeals including breakfast and tea.

When you get in ask him what's for dinner? "Oh, haven't the children had their baths yet? Don't tell me you've just been sitting on your arse all day while I've been WORKING?"

Actually, prepare him an invoice for your services:

Housekeeper
Cleaner
Chauffeur
Childcare
Gardener
Entertainer
Callgirl
etc

Just checking....your new business is not one of the MLM schemes is it? As do not get into that !!!!

Getting out the pom-poms for the op - best of luck.

A few questions though:
Will your new venture give you a sense of worth - eg if it is cleaning, are you okay with this, or just teeth-gritted determined?
Is it scaleable? Or is there a max capacity eg 20 hours x £10 you could earn in a week during term time when nobody is off school sick?
Can you upskill in it to earn more in the future?

My exh wouldn’t even commit to being home in time to let me do a ten week once-a-week night course. A year after he left, I went and did it, and secured a job within the first fortnight. Now he has to organize his working life around shared custody.

I’m only saying this because at one stage, ‘trapped’ by the limitations, I was seriously considering going out to clean other people’s ovens in the two hours I had free while youngest was at nursery. I’d previously been a director of marketing on £60k plus bonus! Don’t undervalue yourself, but as a first step, I like the way you are thinking.

Ps, he sounds like a dick.

I would do what jux said. Tell him you have managed to find a job, starting a trial next weekend. Piss off first thing Saturday morning, and the same again Sunday, and expect everything done when you get home. It would be even better if you could do it midweek if you know he has any time off coming up. Tell him he was right, you love working and want to keep it up, but he must agree to take over everything when you are not there. Then when he begs you to stay home, tell him to get to fuck.

You could tell him that it's only this weekend hours are available, but that they've taken on a few and will see how you all go and will then arrange interviews.

When he's knackered by lunchtime on Saturday and begging you to come home early, remind him that you can't be home before 6pm and may be able to pick up a few more hours, but you'll ring and let him know (you could be kinder, and choose that call as the time when you say you're starving and really looking forward to dinner, what's he cooking?).

After dinner (it'll be a takeaway I bet), mention you can't stay up late as you have WORK in the morning. At this point, he might break, beg you not to go back. Then it's up to you whether you laugh and tell him the truth, or keep it up for another day. Just make sure that before you tell him that he admits that there is a lot more to what you do than sitting on your arse while he works, sorry, WORKS. That he agrees that you are a partnership and that he's really not pulling his weight.

If I question the fact that he doesn't do anything, he gets this awful look on his face and says 'I WORK!'.

Aside from all the issues of infairness, dickishness, general bellendery on his part, does he not WANT to parent his children? Has he got no interest in spending time with them, with being part of their lives and making any contribution to their upbringing? That's so sad. For all of you.

You get Carers Allowance right?? I thought that was an earnings replacement benefit? YOU get that because you care for your child for 35 hours or more a week.
That’s a full time job.
There’s also a limit to how much you can earn before the Carers Allowance will stop. Your husband is being a twat.

stop doing all the housework.then see his reaction to your doing "nothing"
the issue isn't about work and not doing work.the issue is the cruel and demeaning way in which he has spoken to you.
ok maybe you needed to have the money talk and the work talk.silly men can get confused with what mums do at home with the kids whilst hey cure the world :/ but at this point one he would have heard you dcs needs and your houseorke and the reasons you stated and then shut up and accepted it.or he would have seen if there was a way (nicely put)if there was anything you couldk still do in school times.
the way he talked to you should mean you walked out the door.hes cruel and mean and a knobhead.i know hes ur husband and ihat to say that about someone you love and live with bu holy shit that was horrid.
if my dad spoke to my mum like that id grab his knob and yank it off.

have you a shed,loft or friends you could keep your stuff.surely being the non existent cleaner in the house there is somewhere you can put it.
don't go in with the fear of failing.you can do this.and if you don't manage(own businesses are hard for lots at the moment) don't feel deflated or eventhink of what the dp would think.thikn of what a brave thing it was you even did this.that to me shows spirit.

oh ignore me.do exactly as jux has said.brilliant!god Im crap at advice.
I might leave it till you have a business set up though too.if that's and option.depending on do you want to do some work? because then if you have this job anyway.its something for you and even when he begs you to come back and play wifie you can still then say.nope you wanted changes and there will be some and he then has to pull his finger out and help.like he had to with jux suggestion. so now you've got some help round the house and ur own purpose outside too

Something is up.

So he does fuck all around the house and with childcare because he "works"? Who do you think he will still expect to do it when you work?

You simply can't have a husband,who tells you to work,or where to work,God ,how awful is that. Its very creepy to have that kind of attitude towards a wife. Also, for you to have to be a bit secretive about your plans,does not sound good ,in case he blows a gasket.A super dire partnership situation.

But good luck with your business taking off,

@Ninoo25 you've left your senior level job to be a SAHM, while his career advances, but he has shown himself to be unreliable. I would go back to my career as soon as possible. You do everything to facilitate his career.

'He might be feeling the strain of being the sole earner' - that gives you the right to treat your partner like shit

Good luck with your new business. Do give yourself a bit of time to build it up. Word of mouth is your friend. Your life will be so much happier when you leave the lazy bully.