To have not told DH about my new job/business?

[noddingnoodle]

There's a whole back story to this that I won't go into too much. However, we have two children, in reception and year 1, one with special needs. A few weeks ago, DH said that he had bitten his tongue long enough and I needed to get a job. i was confused as he had never said anything before this time. We cannot use childcare for y child with special needs and have no family around, so I told him that the job would have to be during school hours only.

He looked enraged and told me that I was making excuses to not find a job. I told him that I loved working and would love to work again, but my work has to fit around the children. I do 98% of the childcare and 100% of everything around the house.

I told him that I get carer's allowance to allow me to stay at home with the children because DS has special needs. He said that that wasn't my contribution, it was the government's.

At this point I start to feel quite sick and tearful. I can't believe that my husband thinks about me this way.

I said 'do you think I'm lazy?' he said 'no, but all you do is sit at home all day'. I said that I contributed to our family more than enough - he contributed financially and I contributed by doing all the childcare and everything around the house, plus the carer's allowance I get.

This went on and on.

Last week I decided to do something for myself for the first time in 5 years. I set up a small business (think along the lines of cleaning, dog walking, etc) so I could work flexibly around the children. I had a leaflet designed, set up a facebook business page, ordered a few supplies, etc. I am due to open for business on Monday but haven't told DH about any of this....

Partly because he will call this a 'pretend job'. He told me I should be stacking shelves or on the till at Sainsburys.

Partly because if I don't get any interest then I will just feel even worse about myself than I do already and he will know that I have failed.

But most importantly, partly because I am hoping it will be a success and I can stick it to him that I am now superwoman and am doing it all.

Should I tell him? and at what point should I tell him?

Have seen this happen with some friends of ours & although the wife got a “proper” job the husband still did zero around the house & school runs etc

Op - how will you manage in the school holidays? As a previous poster said term time jobs are few & far between & you have to be very flexible to work in retail - I don’t think there’s such a job as stacking shelves in Sainsbury’s!

I came on to tell you ywbu and you should tell him bit I've changed my mind he sounds like a bit of a wank so don't bother telling him. Good luck, hope it all goes well!!

I'd invoice him for the childcare and cleaning.

Hide all of your stuff for the business in the cupboard where you store your cleaning products. He's unlikely to see it. I hope your business is a great success and you can tell him to F off.

Christ reading this has made me incandescent with rage on your behalf! Sorry that adds nothing constructive nor does it help in any way but...Christ. I take it he doesn't see it this way: you look after the children so that he can go out to work. The cost of childcare can be extortionate, you're preserving the family funds that he would no doubt be resentful about paying.

Al the best in your new venture noodle
May your business thrive and you and your children enjoy your success and may your miserable mardy arse of a husband live to regret being such a pig when you chuck him out
I'm sure that you'll be a

Over the years since having kids I have
not worked
worked evenings and weekends
Worked very part time from home (3 hours a day)
Worked school hours (9.30-2.30)
and now work 30 hours a week out the house - 2 full days and 3 part days.

During all of this DH has always when home shared the childcare - baths/reading/attention/nappies etc and done a reasonable proportion of housework.
by default as i was always the one home in time, i have generally always cooked and done the food shopping and when home during the day did most of the housework, i also do all the kids related stuff like buying clothes/activities etc but if DH is home he will do some of this also.

He has never said i dont pull my weight and he realises that looking after 3 kids is exhausting and also that childcare is incredibly expensive so i was actually saving us money by staying at home.

I'm afraid that someone like your husband doenst have the ability to see the while picture (that the family unit is a team and that everyone contributes in different ways whether it be financial, emotional, practical or mentally). you will need to crunch some numbers and give him hard facts - eg childcare is now going to cost x amount in term time and x amount in scholl holidays - he needs to pay for half of this, he will also need to arrange to finish early on x day and go in late on y day so that he can do some of the school runs, he will also need a list of housework that he will now be responsible for doing
if he sees what effort he is going to have to make and the effect it will have on him he may come to realise that contritbution to the family is not just financial

playing devils advocate - hes not in danger of being made redundant or something hence the sudden worry about financial income??

He sounds like an utter bastard.

I would be swapping him for tax credits

Good luck with the business

I love the idea of leaving daddy in charge for a Saturday..

I don't. They don't deserve to be left with someone clueless.

OP - what are your future plans for your marriage?

Your attitude sounds fab and I think there are a lot of other people who need a more can-do approach to working around kids.

I don't want to stand up for your husband really but on the bright side he will surely appreciate that you are earning?

I would try to arrange your work into such chunks as to make some of the evenings / holidays his responsibility. Point out that when/if you leave him, he'll have to do that anyway.

Your husband sounds awful.

I would leave him for this disgusting attitude and I wouldn't want my kids seeing me being treated like that.

I hope your business is successful and you realise you don't need or want him in your life.

Good for you doing something for yourself! Completely understand you wanting to keep it to yourself until you’re up and running but if he’s anything other than proud of you delighted that you’re doing something you enjoy then he’s really not a nice person.

I’m fuming on your behalf op. Dont tell him anything and more importantly, stop doing things for him. Dont wash his stuff, dont make any effort with anything that benefits him at all.
I hate men like this, they are patasites.

Excellent- rota on the fridge time for you both :-)

Parasites!

Your husband is an arse. I would tell him to take a week's leave as you are going to visit relatives/friends for a week and leave him to it. See how he enjoys 'sitting doing nothing' - what a pathetic excuse for a man.

I hope your home business blossoms.

Send him the bill for childcare, laundry, cooking, ironing, admin, planning etc that you do.

£10 per hour?

Send the fucker the invoice. You DO work. He just hasn’t noticed.

Very very well done to you for showing initiative and confidence ⭐️

Text him now and tell him you’ve got a job that starts at 8am tomorrow and you hope he’ll have a good day with the kids and doing the chores.

When DCs were small I added up all the professional charges for the jobs I did as a sahm. It added up to more than his annual salary. He was much more appreciative after that.

Good luck with your new job OP.

OMG, dump the bastard OP

Good luck OP, I salute your bravery for starting up on your own. I think your plan sounds like a good one, once you have some feedback and can see whether it will grow to be successful you can tell him in a very casual, off-hand manner that you have a job working from home.

I would also be sure to conveniently be job-hunting all day on a Saturday and leave him to it. He doesn't work on a weekend and if he wants you to he might as well get used to doing everything else at least one whole day!

He does sound like an arse so I hope he has some redeeming qualities and is not belittling the work you actually do all the time.

I’m a SAHM to 2 primary school age children who don’t have disabilities. I don’t have a job and I’m not planning on getting one any time soon unless we financially really need it. There aren’t really any jobs where I live that are term time only.

Before giving up work we both had very demanding well paid jobs. He did zero around the house, absolutely zero and it enraged me. He would go and play football after work and I would cook and scrub and clean and house would still be a mess as he treated it like a hotel. He was from a background where women do everything, but IMO that’s no excuse.

We then had a surprise baby, if it wasn’t for our DD I think I would have left. He expected everything to carry on as normal for him after she was born. He stopped going out to play football, because I was struggling, but didn’t actually do anything with the time he spent at home instead of playing football - instead he would say, well I’m here getting fat and unfit, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it? his idea of help was holding our DD while I would have a shower etc. He would shout me if her nappy needed changing or anything and I would tell him to do it himself 😡

Within 1 year of returning after maternity leave I was very run down and a shell of my former self, as I was still doing everything, whilst working long hours and with a long commute too, so I told him he needed to pull his weight. He told me HE worked very hard and that I was being unreasonable. In the end I gave up work as a last ditch attempt to save my marriage and my sanity. To my surprise it actually worked. He sometimes has the cheek to indirectly call me lazy ‘Of course I’m tired, I am the one who is out at work all day’ etc. When he does this I offer to get a job, remind him that we had similar wages, I held a more senior position than him, but that if I do this he will have to do 50% of everything or I will leave, then I list what I do while he is at work (and afterwards when he gets home and sits on his arse while I am still doing things. He changes tune pretty quickly.

I really feel for you as being undervalued by someone you love is truly awful. I would second going ‘job hunting’ for the day at the weekend and him looking after the kids all day. Also give him a list of jobs that need doing while you’re out, as these sort of men never think of this as they think you do nothing, so think that they can get away with doing nothing. Also look into what childcare would physically entail and cost if you did work full time, as you can always show him this when he starts feeling unjustifiably superior.

If it wasn’t for the fact that this is the only, but very big issue i have with my husband I would have left a long time ago. Good luck and keep on doing what you need to for you x

You're not the one who should be asking "do you think I'm lazy?". He's the lazy-arsed twat

I wish you every success with your new business venture OP.

If you'd like a little social media coaching I'd be happy to help

Why the hell do sahm often have to constantly their worth & existence?! Its fine if he's suddenly decided he 'wants' u out in a paying job. but op you have not come back to what his redeeming qualities are because assume there are some if you not flipping your lid at him at this point!!