To be embarrassed to live in a terraced house?

[Whysosad]

I know IBU and sound snobby. I'm prepared to be flamed for this post but please read entire post!!

This is an insecurity i have never spoken openly about (although touched on it in counseling). So i may not articulate myself well!!

I grew up poor to a single mother with 5 kids. The houses we grew up in were always terraced houses. Not the nice big town houses or the lovely 3 storey victorians. Think more coronation street. The fact they were massively cluttered and cramped didn't help. My mum decided to send me to senior school in a affluent village away from the poor area we lived. All my friends lived in big detached or semi detached houses or new builds. Their houses were always decoated nicely and were so modern with decking in their back gardens and a nice conservatory. Even my friends who werent so well off and didn't have the latest clothes or go on holidays still somehow lived in a nice house. I was the only person i knew who lived in a terrace house surrounded by terraced houses. I knew one or two people in my year that lived in terraced houses in the village but they were cottage terraces so still nice and smart. The people i grew up with were never aware they lived in what i thought to be 'nice houses' as it was just the norm to them i suppose. Everyone lived in a new build, detached, semi or cottage. The housing association flats on the outskirts were new builds and very modern inside.

I know it sounds bad, but i would be embarrassed to have my friends stay over or see where i lived, even as young as 11. I always wondered what they were thinking as they left their lovely clean minimalised semis or new builds and pulled up outside my terraced house on my grim street. I remember when my mum decided to sell her house to move closer to my school i begged her to get a 'new build' or semi. Or if it had to be a terrace, then a terrace where it was only 1 of 5 terrace houses like the little cottage terraces. To make matters worse my friends dad was an estate agent who sold new builds and when he saw my mum was selling asked my mum to come view the houses he was selling. I remmeber being mortified inside knowing we could never live there. Instead due to costs my mum bought another terraced house on the 'grim' outskirts of the village which was considered a deprived area. There were mattresses and sofas outside peoples houses and i was even more embarrassed. I feel awful writing this as i know she did her best so don't blame/resent her in anyway at all. I remember that in my young teenage mind i couldn't understand why everyone else could live in nice houses and we couldn't. I couldn't understand why even my friends whos parents were shop assistants or worked in a factory were able to live in a nice house but my mum who had a good job couldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I was always adamant and fixated that i would live in a new build or semi or detached. Its been a dream for me (weird i know). Due to growing up skint I've always been very good with money and a saver not a spender. I've got a professional job and a good salary. When it came to buying my house despite my longing, my sensible head decided to override my wishes and i decided on a small 2 bed terraced house as i was buying on my own with no kids.
My mortgage is TINY and i don't need anymore room for just ne. It makes such financial sense.

However, despite being an adult and in my twenties with plenty of time to move up the property ladder, I'm still embaressed about where i live. All my work colleagues live in new builds, semis or detached houses. Literally EVERYONE. My friends who rent, rent nice houses. My friends who own, own nice houses. My single friends live in nice modern flats in the city centre. No one else lives in a terraced house like me. I feel the exact same way i did at school.

In my line of work a lot of our clients live in houses just like mine. I think i find it quite difficult because my colleagues, the 'professionals', all have these nice big houses and then our clients who often live in poverty, live in houses the same as mine.
I keep assuming people think I'm scruffy and somehow inferior. Its illogical thinking.
My friends came to view the house with me and all said it perfect/lovely/cosy. But i know for a fact they themselves would never live there!! It felt almost patronising for them to be praising my little terrace on a shit street when they all lived in their nice detached houses with garages and drives. Its so hard to go from having drinks at their houses with their dining rooms and hallways to then my house.

Don't get me wrong, i love my little house. Its perfect. I've decorated it beautifully if i say so myself. I just wish i could pick it up and place it somewhere else. I'm not even materialistic. I have a 20 year old banger car which i love even though i could afford a new one. Im not bothered about designer clothes or any of that stuff. So I'm not bothered about being showy. Its just this weird complex i have about terraced houses.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? If so how do you get over it?

Does anyone else live in a terraced house and really not care?

Also can people be really honest and state what their opinions are on terraced houses and whether or not they would live in one?

Its such a bizzaire complex i have that i want to get over!!

I am in no way judging you here, just trying to get to the bottom of it all.

I agree with everything Springydaff said.

You seem to have a fear of being known/a desire to cover up something you feel lurks beneath the surface/fear of The Truth being uncovered - this is expressed as concern for what other people are thinking.

Maybe you're ashamed of the clutter and lack of organisation? Maybe you bought a terraced house so that you could rewrite history and in your own mind show your mother how she should have done things? That is still operating within the context of the sort of home your mother provided, however, and clearly the sense of shame hasn't gone away.

You need to break free of that. You will always have The Fear unless you get help figuring out its origins and changing your mindset. Ask yourself if you felt secure with the clutter and the untidiness?

Disclaimer: I am a single mother of five and have lived in a rented flat with ever-decreasing numbers of my DCs as they have each in turn gone off to university and on to jobs afterwards, since having to sell my small house (which was often untidy because that's how life is in a small house with very little storage space, five children, and their friends) after divorce.

I would really love a little terraced house that I could call my own, since you asked. But I don't think the house thing is your real problem.

My my mum did her very best. Thanks to her choice of schools out of area, i got a great education where as if i had gone to the local comp there was a greater chance i wouldn't have had such aspirations to better myself in terms of education and career.

The phrase 'better myself in terms of education and career' is problematic.
Do you feel that your education and your career are veneers that cover up something inferior? Something that was overlaid on top of an inadequate pile of raw material?
There is no such thing as 'bettering' oneself. You can go to university, graduate, get a good job, make money, get promoted, be successful in material terms. That is not 'bettering' yourself. That is making more money that you or your family made before you embarked on the educational journey.

Good education draws out what is already there, reveals it. It adds nothing to what you already have inside - your intelligence and your potential. It cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Your mum had aspirations. She saw what was inside you and she knew it would always remain hidden if she sat back and sent you to the comp. Try not to see her as an impostor.

Focus on what you do have instead of what you don't. You should be grateful. Have you travelled much op? Maybe a trip to Africa or India would give you a reality check and a sense of humility. I wouldn't be judging you on your house but of your poor attitude.

I have not read through the entire thread, but you asked for honest opinions on terraced houses. I love them, absolutely love the cosy look of them.
I would not want to be friends with someone who judged me for where I live.

There are terraced houses in London going for £1.8 million where we used to live (renting an ex council flat at the end of a nice row of Edwardian terraces)!

We grew up in an inner city tower block, I'd have loved a terrace house with a garden.

Problem is, that if you're always looking upwards (figuratively not literally) then you're always going to feel like you're at the bottom of the pile.

Be happy and remember, as Baz said, the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself.

I'm a lone parent bringing DD up in a cottage flat. Hoping to buy next year and a terrace is what I'm aiming for! Agree with a pp - your poor mum.

I havent read the whole thread (3am) but need to as I really identify with OP and it looks like peoples replies might help!

I live in a terrace (but not a "lovely high ceiling" one or character one or whatever else people are referencing as naice!) Its housing association and ours is one of the few owned ones.

I guess I have quite a lot of issues over feeling ive failed at not having a high income career and all sorts. Friends all have naice houses as most friends are professionals and wouldnt live here!

I cant "just move" as we dont have the income. I've worried myself silly that childrens friends' parents would judge due to where we live. And to be fair there's many threads on here where people want their children to associate with people like them/want to live in the "worst house in the best area" rather than in areas like mine/to avoid areas like mine!

Its not bright and nicely decorated as its a dark house and small with no storage so we struggle with clutter. Walls could do with skimming etc.

We do invite friends and kids friends back and we do bake and I hope its a warm family welcoming atmosphere but it is genuinely a real issue and I do worry about my children getting older and being judged/etc.

I think areas vary so much too. There's some lovely terraces in some really nice areas near here where "living in a terrace" wouldn't seem a problem at all. Lots of people on this thread probably arent thinking modern housing authority block on an estate but quaint victorian terrace or terrace in a middle class area. Or even above the 1.8million pound one!!!

Ours is v much the lower end of the market so people with a good income wouldnt normally choose to live here!

I really hope my kids feel fine with it but I do worry. I think if I could make it just look nice it would probably help...

Ive just googled "inferiority complex" from this thread and that's absolutely me. I've got lots of issues from an awful childhood and its affected my life hugely. I feel inadequate at work etc, socially....

If anyone can recommend any reading...

Ive found this thread really helpful. I honestly have felt years feeling I'd failed by not being able to provide my kids with the opportunities Id like to/school in a nice area/ lots of the usual mumsnet stuff.

I wish I could make my house look nice. Im honestly not v good at it. There is just so little space and not in great condition. Mismatching odd furniture can look quaintly middle class in a larger house but in my tiny terrace I feel it just looks messy.

I am realising I have some issues! But then people on higher incomes than us generally wouldnt choose to live here...

I grew up in a mid terraced Coronation Street house. I was embarrassed as I did not know any one else that lived in a terraced house. My parents also didn't keep it very nice, which added to my embarrassment.

I don't have any ongoing issues though. I now own an end terraced, it is a pretty cottage one on a row of four. I wanted something quaint at the time, although now I would quite like detached new build and have toyed with the idea of moving.

I now live in a tiny old terraced house in a village, its about 160 years old. It has some heating,but crap windows,no double glazing etc, and have to put the equally old washing machine in my shed. I have just one bedroom,but have a quite decent attic room with a skylight window up there.I have to climb a heavy wooden ladder to get to the attic room, and as I am over 70, glad that I am quite fit to do this. I Live here with my three cats, and its nice and peaceful and also have a little garden.

So over the years,I have lived in several large detached houses,in nice villages,, as when married, But my fortunes, and circumstances changed big time years ago,leading to a disastrous time some years ago,in which my son kind of rescued me. I then had to move from another county to here,and my son bought this tiny house for me, well I pay him rent for it.

I have nothing fancy in my house, just the things that I love, all that matters,is being happy with what you have.

I live in a basement flat in a terrace. I chose it because I wanted a cat. My cat is safe - he has the run of the back garden and can’t get on to the road. I grew up in a 60s new build and wouldn’t swap where I live now for those poky little rooms.

Adventuring - maybe post some photos and ask MNers to chip in some ideas about decor? There's a DIY/Property board but Chat might yield more traffic.

As far as your children's experience of living in their home goes - your attitude is what matters. Always convey to them that you are a glass half full person. Put your best foot forward. Don't sigh about what you don't have. Spend time chatting with them and letting them know they are loved. Teach them to be houseproud by involving them in housework they can master. At Christmas, when you put up a tree (or any other holiday you decorate for) stand back and admire the scene.

You can't help how you feel especially if it's an irrational thing so people who say you should count yourself lucky are just not helping. We'll never be able to own a house as we bought an apartment we can't sell but that doesn't make me think OPshould count her blessings!!! My DH grew up properly poor (barely kept home, really bad area, went without food a lot etc) and I notice now him and his family always want the best of everything, they are hugely into keeping up with the Jones, he says it's to prove they pulled themselves up and made it. I wonder if this is what the problem is? I do honestly think you'll never realise what you've had or be truly content until you move on so the question is really are you willing to move out?

Adventuring you and your place sound perfect. I think anyone who goes there will only appreciate how special the welcome is. X

I can get how a house can be a complete focus for someone, though I have never been ashamed of where I've lived, entertaining rather grand people in a bedsit at one time, while they reciprocated with a stately home !!:o

This thread has made me think. For most of my life, and for reasons I won't go into without a namechange, my dreams have very often featured houses, and always with a sense of unease/fear/ insecurity. A few months ago I paid off my mortgage, and haven't had such dream since.

None of this helps the OP, as terraced houses in Melbourne (most labourers' cottages) cost a shitload and are tres chic.

I kind of get where you're coming from, we were made homeless at one point when I was a kid, and moved in with grandparents, who lived in an enormous house that all the school kids traipsed past. We were then given social housing, a flat, and part of me did wonder if all the kids would question why we had moved down the housing ladder so completely,

However I didn't wonder why we couldn't live in a bigger house, I knew full well we had no money, what I wondered was how others afforded it. I recall in my early teens walking past a friends house, a beautiful sandstone detached property and looking at the street and simply not being able to comprehend how people could afford those homes.

I understood why my grandparents had money, but I simply couldn't understand how others did, especially people my parents age. It really was something as a twelve or thirteen year old that confused me.

So as much as I wasn't embarrassed, I just couldn't mentally grasp how other people were affluent. I thought everyone would be like us.

I would live a detached house. but we are in london commuter belt, and our tiny mid terrace is valued at an eyewatering amount, so we stay....

I think you know that this is all in your head and you have somehow got terraced houses mixed up into the negative thoughts about your childhood.
Don’t be ashamed of your lovely house, it’s yours and you’ve worked hard to make it a beautiful home.
Fwiw I am i the process of selling my semi detached house to buy a terraced one and I’m a well paid professional too.
I can guarantee no one else will be thinking badly about your house.

I do get where you’re coming from though. I was one of the only girls from a council estate at my grammar school and that feeling of inferiority and the need to prove yourself never really goes away but you can keep a lid on it.

I live in a terraced house
It’s fine.

In fact I chose a terrace purposely

I live in a big detached house that right now I would swap for a mid terrace in a heartbeat. I would love less responsibility for the property and the garden, less cleaning, less heating bills and a cosier place altogether. I am actively going to get this place marketable over the next two years in order to move and have a more enjoyable life.

I have this place by default. It's not what I would have chosen and changes will be made so not everyone wants a massive detached house.

This has made me quite angry. I love in a first floor flat - Victorian conversion. With two teenagers and a dog. My kids are disabled so I can't work and better our situation. What I wouldn't give for a little house with a small bit of outside space You don't know how lucky you are.

When we were looking at houses we had 'the list' and viewed properties that had the requirements on 'the list', type of property wasn't there so we looked at terraced, semi detached, maisonettes, bungalows etc. The only thing I wouldn't consider was a new build (massively overpriced by a couple of hundred thousand and super small in our local area)

I wouldn't think twice about the type of property someone else lived in!!

I think you have become hugely over sensitive due to the feelings that you had as a kid, and I can promise you that I don't know anyone who would even think 'ooooh whysosad lives in a terrace, a terrace....'

The small ( and large ) terrace houses in the area where I live are highly sought after and have a premium price tag ( probably more than double £ an "executive" detached new build ) , yet if you look at them from the outside ( and probably some from the inside) they are ordinary terrace houses

If you don't like it move , or put a plan together to move eventually

A home is what you make it

I agree that it's not as pleasant probably to live in a run down area with front gardens full of junk - scrap cars , old white goods , mattresses etc but there is rarely anything you can do about another persons property except to chose to not live near it .

Perhaps you can get involved in a neighbourhood project that improves the area , regular litter picks etc

Not sure what you want from this tbh