To be embarrassed to live in a terraced house?

[Whysosad]

I know IBU and sound snobby. I'm prepared to be flamed for this post but please read entire post!!

This is an insecurity i have never spoken openly about (although touched on it in counseling). So i may not articulate myself well!!

I grew up poor to a single mother with 5 kids. The houses we grew up in were always terraced houses. Not the nice big town houses or the lovely 3 storey victorians. Think more coronation street. The fact they were massively cluttered and cramped didn't help. My mum decided to send me to senior school in a affluent village away from the poor area we lived. All my friends lived in big detached or semi detached houses or new builds. Their houses were always decoated nicely and were so modern with decking in their back gardens and a nice conservatory. Even my friends who werent so well off and didn't have the latest clothes or go on holidays still somehow lived in a nice house. I was the only person i knew who lived in a terrace house surrounded by terraced houses. I knew one or two people in my year that lived in terraced houses in the village but they were cottage terraces so still nice and smart. The people i grew up with were never aware they lived in what i thought to be 'nice houses' as it was just the norm to them i suppose. Everyone lived in a new build, detached, semi or cottage. The housing association flats on the outskirts were new builds and very modern inside.

I know it sounds bad, but i would be embarrassed to have my friends stay over or see where i lived, even as young as 11. I always wondered what they were thinking as they left their lovely clean minimalised semis or new builds and pulled up outside my terraced house on my grim street. I remember when my mum decided to sell her house to move closer to my school i begged her to get a 'new build' or semi. Or if it had to be a terrace, then a terrace where it was only 1 of 5 terrace houses like the little cottage terraces. To make matters worse my friends dad was an estate agent who sold new builds and when he saw my mum was selling asked my mum to come view the houses he was selling. I remmeber being mortified inside knowing we could never live there. Instead due to costs my mum bought another terraced house on the 'grim' outskirts of the village which was considered a deprived area. There were mattresses and sofas outside peoples houses and i was even more embarrassed. I feel awful writing this as i know she did her best so don't blame/resent her in anyway at all. I remember that in my young teenage mind i couldn't understand why everyone else could live in nice houses and we couldn't. I couldn't understand why even my friends whos parents were shop assistants or worked in a factory were able to live in a nice house but my mum who had a good job couldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I was always adamant and fixated that i would live in a new build or semi or detached. Its been a dream for me (weird i know). Due to growing up skint I've always been very good with money and a saver not a spender. I've got a professional job and a good salary. When it came to buying my house despite my longing, my sensible head decided to override my wishes and i decided on a small 2 bed terraced house as i was buying on my own with no kids.
My mortgage is TINY and i don't need anymore room for just ne. It makes such financial sense.

However, despite being an adult and in my twenties with plenty of time to move up the property ladder, I'm still embaressed about where i live. All my work colleagues live in new builds, semis or detached houses. Literally EVERYONE. My friends who rent, rent nice houses. My friends who own, own nice houses. My single friends live in nice modern flats in the city centre. No one else lives in a terraced house like me. I feel the exact same way i did at school.

In my line of work a lot of our clients live in houses just like mine. I think i find it quite difficult because my colleagues, the 'professionals', all have these nice big houses and then our clients who often live in poverty, live in houses the same as mine.
I keep assuming people think I'm scruffy and somehow inferior. Its illogical thinking.
My friends came to view the house with me and all said it perfect/lovely/cosy. But i know for a fact they themselves would never live there!! It felt almost patronising for them to be praising my little terrace on a shit street when they all lived in their nice detached houses with garages and drives. Its so hard to go from having drinks at their houses with their dining rooms and hallways to then my house.

Don't get me wrong, i love my little house. Its perfect. I've decorated it beautifully if i say so myself. I just wish i could pick it up and place it somewhere else. I'm not even materialistic. I have a 20 year old banger car which i love even though i could afford a new one. Im not bothered about designer clothes or any of that stuff. So I'm not bothered about being showy. Its just this weird complex i have about terraced houses.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? If so how do you get over it?

Does anyone else live in a terraced house and really not care?

Also can people be really honest and state what their opinions are on terraced houses and whether or not they would live in one?

Its such a bizzaire complex i have that i want to get over!!

We used to live in one if the best areas in Sheffield for young professionals and as the area had always been popular all the houses were terraces further out there werr semis and detached houses m but actually imnearer the amenities there are a few flats or all terraces, I never minded living in a terrace there - I think it spends on the area not the type of house!

I live in a city where the more desirable areas are full of terraces and the cheaper areas have more semi detached/detached houses!

I grew up in a semi detached with a garage and a big garden in a naice middle class village. Inside though, DM was a hoarder, and I was neglected and abused.

Now I live in an inner city terrace. I love it. It is tidy and safe and full of people I love.

It isn't the house that upsets you OP, it is the childhood memories. The house is just 4 walls of brick, inside it is your home.

I think this is ridiculous. You live in a house, be thankful.

pnagolina - I think you're right. If OP moves to a detached house, she'll take her inferiority complex with her so better to work on that.

You've asked MN how you get over feeling like this. I'd suggest going to help out at a foodbank, or shelter, or centrepoint. Helping people that have nowhere to live might make you appreciate your terrace house a bit more.

Like others have said it is good to explore the sense that you had growing up that you weren't good enough somehow and look at how you are putting that into your current home. Maybe go around your house today telling it things you love about it. It is sad that you Feel unsettled somehow where you are (although you say you love it) when it sounds like you have so much to celebrate.

I second pangolina on her view. If it’s a problem for you, it’s a problem, even if it isn’t for anyone else. Talk to your counselor about it and you may be able to find out what the real issue is. You deserve inner peace especially about where you live. Do something about it.

It will always cause dissatisfaction if you compare your nice little terrace to (what you imagine is a smarter) larger detached house.
You say you love your little home, you've decorated it as you wish, etc, etc so I'd advise you to look at the positives - it's easier to heat, clean and maintain. Hopefully you actually know your neighbours' names and talk to each other.
I love my little modern end of terrace but like you I'll probably always hanker after a bit more space. It's probably only human, just wishful thinking to believe that something else is better. Try to enjoy what you have.

Sorry about awful typos. Writing before dark!

But you do actually have the power to change all of this if you wish.....
but haven't which is the strange thing as you could literally sell up and move so why don't you?

I find this very odd. Maybe you like your situation so you can play the martyr to yourself?

Maybe make a list of positive things and stick it somewhere you'll see it every day and remember those rather the negatives.

I live on ze Continent. My observation is that non-UK Europeans (generalisation) are a lot less into houses/interiors/property in general. What seems to matter more is how YOU present yourself to the world, what activities you do, being well turned out etc etc eg I have friends who live in very modest apartments - never crossed my (or no doubt their) mind to feel they’re any ‘less’. I feel like it’s much less of an issue. Think eg the Italians spend a lot more or their income on clothes over rent relative to Brits. Can you shift your focus a bit to that kind of approach? if that works for you.

It sounds like your problem is based on feeling inferior, rather than the house itself. Sure, some areas are grotty (my daughter and I lived on one for years), others are lovely. I love streets of terraced houses - they can be cosy and friendly. To be honest, I felt really safe on our very rough street within a council estate because people looked after each other. You are lucky to have e little gem of a house. You could move, but if you don't accept that you are good enough, that would just be geography - you'd be sitting in a different house, feeling the same. It may sound twee, but having nothing made me really grateful for everything and when mindfulness became more popular, I realised that's what I had been doing all those years, when I was trying to enjoy what I had. Maybe look at the 'thrive' books - you can get a workbook you can follow from Amazon. Good luck with feeling better about it all.

Wow. I've never met anyone with an attitude like yours but at least you are honest! And i do think there is more at play here from your childhood than just your feelings about terraced houses. I've had a brand new build, bought off plan in the midlands and now live in a 1906 mill workers terrace in the north. I love both because they have been home but in practical terms, I love my old terraced house much more. If I'm objective about it, the new build was a bland box with tiny rooms.

Growing up, my family were probably one of the wealthier families at school. Our house was very big. I had plenty of friends who lived in houses of all varieties and sizes. Neither me or any of my siblings ever cared what size house any of our friends lived in. In fact one of my best friends in primary school lived on a street like you describe, and I remember thinking how cool it must be to live so close to that many neighbours, as we didn't have many neighbours.
All we cared about was getting to go to our friends houses for tea and getting to play in someone else's bedroom.

OP - what you might not thinking about is the level of borrowing that your friends and colleagues may have taken on to get those houses - big loans, sleepless nights maybe, no contingency and the prospect of an ever rising interest rate once the fixed deals end. NOTHING Other than health is worse than financial stress. Do relax. Enjoy and truely enjoy your liberated ownership at such a young age....you've been wise!

move?!

i grew up in huge detatched house - i bought a terrace..
you know which i prefer?!

its cheaper...its mine. home is what you make it.

You are impressive. Despite your emotional baggage, you didn't succumb to buying something unaffordable instead you kept your head and bought sensibly. As you say, you are at the start of the property ladder. You'll end up in that big house one day with no crazy risk or debt 

I didn’t grow up in a terraced house or new build, we had a lovely old farmhouse style home as a child. I bought myself a terraced house as my first property at 18, I extended it, decorated it beautifully and converted the attic but like you I longed for a new build and bought a 4 bed detached new build 3 years ago (I’m 40 now). I love the house, but not the area or people, i would go back to my terraced house anyday. I just think my street was so friendly and everyone knew everyone, only issue was parking. It’s so catch 22. I know how you feel, it’s a weird one.

I haven’t read the full thread, however I myself grew up in a large detached house, went to private school.
I had friends who lived in terraced houses, council houses, semi detached houses, flats.
I never noticed where they lived!
I saved hard to buy my first house. It was a mid terrace fixer upper in a not great area. I was so proud of it!
Please know while you are entitled to feel how you do it is extremely unlikely anyone else thinks any less of you for your home. Most will just be pleased for you that you’re fortunate enough to own a home at all,

A lot of food for thought on this thread so thank you for all your responses.

Again to those i have offended, i am sorry. I do not think of other people negatively, it's how i feel about myself. I do acknowledge the privilege i have in being able to own a house. I am grateful everyday I've been able to get to this point.

I don't feel this way about anything else in my life. Just houses. I'm not bothered about clothes, cars, jewellery etc. I think it's because my house growing up was so dirty, cramped and cluttered that the shame gave me this complex. My mother, although i love her dearly, had no pride in the home whatsoever. It smelt awful, there was remnants of animal feces in all the carpets. When we first moved there, although the street was really grotty, the house itself was decorated beautifully. The previous owner took a lot of pride in it. I remember feeling very optimistic that the house could be a place i could bring my friends happily. However within a year the house was a state and my mother had steamed off the beautiful wallpaper. She loved the new fitted bathroom but never cleaned it. So the new white tiled floors became grimy with urine stains all around the loo on the floor and the walls somehow sticky. The once cream carpets were patchy with stains.The house had gotten even worse last time i visited as she will use a rag to clean the dog/cat pee with no products so its smells awful. To this day i hate visiting and staying due to the poor hygiene. Of course i still visit and my mother has no idea how i feel. It would really hurt her. My siblings are exactly the same. Funnily enough though, she is in live with her house. She doesn't see it.

Because of this, since buying this house I've pulled out all the stops. When shopping for paint instead of buying good reasonable paint, I'll buy the best quality and more pricey. When looking at decor, I'll look for more pricey and lavish furnishings.
I'm not creative in the slightest and have no interest in interior design, but will research interior design ideas on pinterest until i get it exactly right. When visiting friends, i never really look at their decor unless its something unusual. I'm really not bothered. I don't watch interior design programmes or home living magazines. I find it boring. Its just my home. I wasn't like this when renting. Infact, i had 0 house pride when renting to the point i was like my mother at times. I think its because i felt like it wasn't my home, therefore no reflection on me so i allowed old habits from growing up. If the walls were ugly, carpets grim or furnitures i bought clashing and grubby i didn't care. I would still happily have people stay. I think its because could just say that it was my landlords property, so therefore i didn't wanna spend my time and money decorating someone elses property, that id only be in temporarily. I would be messy and not Hoover and would leave dirty dishes. However the minute i signed on the dotted line and bought my property it's like a light switched and everything changed. I look at everything from furnishings to light switches. I really do love my house. But i am fully aware of this complex.

To those saying i am 'snobby' or think myself superior. The opposite is true. Insecure? Yes. Offensive? Maybe. Snob? No.

Also to those who keep asking why i bought a terrace? As i stated up the thread, it made financial sense. Despite having insecurities, i won't let them take over my life or lifestyle. I'm not obsessed, crying and constantly thinking of my street. I wouldn't stop travelling, saving, doing activities and seeing friends for the sake of a house. Id rather have a hangup on a house and be financially comfortable with am overal good life, than be financially cautious and isolated in a detached house. That's just replacing an issue with an issue rather than dealing with the actual root cause.

It was counselling that brought up this issue which is why i posted this thread. This is the first time i have let myself openly acknowledge this silly and irrational paranoia.

You're fine, Whysosad. Anybody who has got the wrong end of the stick isn't your problem. I hope you find some peace and resolution.

I live in an end terrace. I grew up in a terrace, its affordable housing in a nice area.

My husband grew up in housing association terraces/flats but in not very good areas - simular to your description. His mum did the best she could after splitting with his abusive father.

He thinks we live in a posh house now - its not a new build, but a good area, with a front & back garden & a garage & a dryer lol.
To him, these are things rich people had, not him.
Sometimes its about perspective too.

I look longingly at nice new builds with 4 beds - but then think of how skint we would be and how much cleaning and maintenance they would take.

Sometimes im embarrassed by our house - its always untidy (2 kids 5&7 doesnt help!) Not the best decorated - we are both crap at diy - but you know, we do our best and everyone is different and how boring would it be if everyone lived in the same size/shape/decorated houses.

I've lived in a terraced house and never gave it a thought. To me your issue is not it being terraced but not being in the right kind of area. You should be more selective about where you buy not always what you buy by the sounds of it and that may alleviate some of your distressed feelings. You are lucky though to be able to buy your home. Lots can't.