To be embarrassed to live in a terraced house?

[Whysosad]

I know IBU and sound snobby. I'm prepared to be flamed for this post but please read entire post!!

This is an insecurity i have never spoken openly about (although touched on it in counseling). So i may not articulate myself well!!

I grew up poor to a single mother with 5 kids. The houses we grew up in were always terraced houses. Not the nice big town houses or the lovely 3 storey victorians. Think more coronation street. The fact they were massively cluttered and cramped didn't help. My mum decided to send me to senior school in a affluent village away from the poor area we lived. All my friends lived in big detached or semi detached houses or new builds. Their houses were always decoated nicely and were so modern with decking in their back gardens and a nice conservatory. Even my friends who werent so well off and didn't have the latest clothes or go on holidays still somehow lived in a nice house. I was the only person i knew who lived in a terrace house surrounded by terraced houses. I knew one or two people in my year that lived in terraced houses in the village but they were cottage terraces so still nice and smart. The people i grew up with were never aware they lived in what i thought to be 'nice houses' as it was just the norm to them i suppose. Everyone lived in a new build, detached, semi or cottage. The housing association flats on the outskirts were new builds and very modern inside.

I know it sounds bad, but i would be embarrassed to have my friends stay over or see where i lived, even as young as 11. I always wondered what they were thinking as they left their lovely clean minimalised semis or new builds and pulled up outside my terraced house on my grim street. I remember when my mum decided to sell her house to move closer to my school i begged her to get a 'new build' or semi. Or if it had to be a terrace, then a terrace where it was only 1 of 5 terrace houses like the little cottage terraces. To make matters worse my friends dad was an estate agent who sold new builds and when he saw my mum was selling asked my mum to come view the houses he was selling. I remmeber being mortified inside knowing we could never live there. Instead due to costs my mum bought another terraced house on the 'grim' outskirts of the village which was considered a deprived area. There were mattresses and sofas outside peoples houses and i was even more embarrassed. I feel awful writing this as i know she did her best so don't blame/resent her in anyway at all. I remember that in my young teenage mind i couldn't understand why everyone else could live in nice houses and we couldn't. I couldn't understand why even my friends whos parents were shop assistants or worked in a factory were able to live in a nice house but my mum who had a good job couldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I was always adamant and fixated that i would live in a new build or semi or detached. Its been a dream for me (weird i know). Due to growing up skint I've always been very good with money and a saver not a spender. I've got a professional job and a good salary. When it came to buying my house despite my longing, my sensible head decided to override my wishes and i decided on a small 2 bed terraced house as i was buying on my own with no kids.
My mortgage is TINY and i don't need anymore room for just ne. It makes such financial sense.

However, despite being an adult and in my twenties with plenty of time to move up the property ladder, I'm still embaressed about where i live. All my work colleagues live in new builds, semis or detached houses. Literally EVERYONE. My friends who rent, rent nice houses. My friends who own, own nice houses. My single friends live in nice modern flats in the city centre. No one else lives in a terraced house like me. I feel the exact same way i did at school.

In my line of work a lot of our clients live in houses just like mine. I think i find it quite difficult because my colleagues, the 'professionals', all have these nice big houses and then our clients who often live in poverty, live in houses the same as mine.
I keep assuming people think I'm scruffy and somehow inferior. Its illogical thinking.
My friends came to view the house with me and all said it perfect/lovely/cosy. But i know for a fact they themselves would never live there!! It felt almost patronising for them to be praising my little terrace on a shit street when they all lived in their nice detached houses with garages and drives. Its so hard to go from having drinks at their houses with their dining rooms and hallways to then my house.

Don't get me wrong, i love my little house. Its perfect. I've decorated it beautifully if i say so myself. I just wish i could pick it up and place it somewhere else. I'm not even materialistic. I have a 20 year old banger car which i love even though i could afford a new one. Im not bothered about designer clothes or any of that stuff. So I'm not bothered about being showy. Its just this weird complex i have about terraced houses.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? If so how do you get over it?

Does anyone else live in a terraced house and really not care?

Also can people be really honest and state what their opinions are on terraced houses and whether or not they would live in one?

Its such a bizzaire complex i have that i want to get over!!

I think some pps' comments are a bit harsh, I don't think OP would look down on other people living in terraces, just on herself. And I mean didn't get the impression that she blamed her mum, she seems appreciative of her mum doing her best at the time.

OP, in the kindest possible way, I think you have an inferiority complex. At the moment it's manifesting itself in the type of house you live in. I suspect if you moved to a massive 4 bed detached you would find something else to feel lesser about.

You should be proud of yourself for having your own house at such a young age. And of your very good financial sense. But I wonder if, as long as you can afford it comfortably, it would be worth moving to a larger non-terraced house as (1) an investment and (2) a form of therapy.

Otherwise, enjoy your lovely terrace house and be proud of what you have accomplished. Your mum obviously did something right there

OP:
Your feelings go back to being a child syrrounded by much better off peers, who sound rather insensitive
and also a mum who smoked indoors and didn't make the best of your house

You are an adult now, with a job;
you own a property with a comparatively small mortgage

Time to pat yourself on the back for what you have already achieved in your life, at a comparatively young age

Think of what you could achieve over the next decade
Use your feelings as motivation in your career, so maybe you can in 5 - 10 years think about moving and upgrading to a property you would be really proud of ?

I've always loved terraced houses and aspired to live in one. And I do now! And I grew up in a spacious 1930s semi. So I really don't think people will be judging you or it's a sign of poverty or anything.

Honestly, this sort of thinking is so self-destructive. You are already wayyyyy ahead of the housing situations of many, many people, especially globally. Let yourself be happy and appreciate your loved ones and how lucky you are.

I can understand how you feel. For the same sorts of reasons I have an irrational predudice against ex council houses.

So I wouldn’t buy one.

I appreciate you have gone for the financially sensible option, but if it isn’t making you happy, change it.

You feel how you feel. I've recently been teaching DS (11) about putting things into perspective, putting a different spin on things. So for you, you (said with respect for your feelings and with kindness) need to appreciate what you do have.

A "tiny" mortgage- how fabulous is that?

You are enjoying some financial freedom in a time when many are struggling to make ends meet.

What else do you have that others would covet? Health? Family? Friends?

I know it's said often that such things detract and minimise someone's feelings but it doesn't stop these facts being true.

Enjoy your wee haven. And if it continues to take up an unnecessary amount of your thoughts then make a plan to change it

Aw, OP, some people are being a little mean. I agree with the poster who said you have an inferiority complex. I've got one too about living in a terrace. I grew up in a beautiful home with grounds and views etc. so my complex is all about how I've failed as an adult because I haven't been able to replicate that.

My tiny terrace is 1970s, is in a nice area, almost zero crime, I have great neighbours, it's quiet and I have a biggish garden. I don't have a mortgage so have so much more freedom than many other people.

It's not very logical, but we can't help our feelings. I try to counter them by saying to myself that my colleagues and other people have to work more than they might want to because they have mortgages to pay, and many people I've discovered rent their nice homes, so I'd try and turn it around and think of all the amazing positives, because there's loads.

Also, you have a good job, and are a saver, so if you keep on saving you'll be able to buy a house one day that isn't a terrace.

We all have our foibles, OP, and our weird and illogical beliefs etc, try not to be too hard on yourself!

I live in what most would class as a large house and I can honestly say that I’ve never noticed what kind of houses my friends live in. I couldn’t give a monkey’s. I can pretty much guarantee that the only person thinking about this is you.

Terraces are expensive and sought after in some cities! Abroad it is common to live in small flats. Some people in their 70s remember having no running water or inside toilet. You sound like you’ve done very well - relax

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Couldn't have put it better myself. I've also lived in a terraced house. It was all we could afford at the time, but at least we weren't in massive debt paying a mortgage we couldn't afford. Just think of the stress you're saving yourself by not being in debt.

I think you issue is with location not terraces. We live in a london terrace. It’s expensive and not big either, but the street is lovely with pretty cottages across the road and a park nearby.
I think what you are really getting at is that you don’t like the feel of the areas which I think is important for many people.
I feel safe and happy here and although the house is small am delighted to live here.
Perhaps you should think about another location which makes you feel happy just to walk down the street?

I've just moved to an old terrace and love it.
Friendly neighbours, really warm, just the right size for me and my things. Bags of character.
I would hate to live in a soulless new build.

It's not about the terrace though, it's about shame. Which has ended up getting attached to a terraced house/s.

I have a friend whose mother only had one coat throughout my friend's childhood. My friend was ashamed of this as a child - but also protective of her mother: a mix of emotions. Now my friend is an adult - a balanced, bright, successful adult - she has so many coats. It's kinda compulsive.

It feels like you imbibed your mum's struggle but ended up confused over your needs and hers?

Definitely work on this in therapy to bring the two strands together, a resolution.

Shame is agony. I hope you're free soon lovely 🌸 💐

I think, as you've said yourself, this is an illogical thing. Move if it bothers you? My favourite house I've ever lived in was a terrace and I miss it! But I think u explained yourself well and don't sound like a snob at all. And as you also said you're young so you have plenty of time to move and try another type of house/s.

In my part of London a terrace house all to yourself is something to really aspire to! And unattainable for most people... it’s all relative.

Very impressed with your mum, single mum with five children managing to hold down a professional job and buy a house.

I grew up in a big posh semi-detached, six bedroom, three storey Victorian house. Now I live in a tiny two up two down terrace. My house would cost to buy right now approximately 32 times what my parents paid for the big posh house in 1979. It's all relative. And don't feel ashamed of your house. If you own a house in your twenties you are already rich beyond most people's dreams.

It’s what your house is like inside that counts. But most of all of course it’s what you’re like inside that should count to your friends and I’m sure it does, you sound lovely. Sounds like you won’t be there forever anyway, if you’re already a homeowner in your 20s with a good job.

Is it warm, safe, cosy?

Then you are doing better than most. I wouldn’t even think about it. Just make sure there is a warm welcome and a slice of lemon drizzle on offer, no-one will even notice.

Your poor mother. I hope to God you are that good of an actress that she still doesnt realise how ashamed you were of her provision for you.

All my houses except this one have been terraced and the only thing I hate about them is the noise from either side. i now have a semi and it's such a relief to have a passage down the side so I can get log deliveries round the back and peace and quiet one side of the house. I never felt embarrassed about my homes though. I made them my own however compact.

My heart bleeds for you!

Apparently in India the dream for young women to aspire to is to have a house with a bedroom, bathroom and kitchen for their whole family. I sometimes think of this when I feel frustrated that we can only afford a tiny flat. I’ve already got more than what they aspire to and so have you. It’s so easy to always look up rather than down when comparing.

You've done better than a lot of people to buy your own house. Maybe at some stage you can move, if you don't like it.

I have no friends who live in a home like mine. They have beautiful, big, beautifully kitted out detached houses or Edwardian semis. I live in a 1 bed housing association flat. I am not ashamed of where I live.

We are so much more than the house we live in. You’ve done so well. You’ve worked and saved hard and at a very young age already own your own home. You should be hugely proud of yourself.

It really does not matter even a tiny bit what others might think about your home. If you like it, if it feels cosy and safe and you’ve got it looking how you like that is ALL that matters. Anyone who thinks differently about you after seeing where you live should be ashamed of themselves.

I can see where your feelings around terrace houses comes from but it’s not worth wasting headspace on. A huge proportion of the worlds population would view your house as luxurious beyond their wildest dreams. Hell, they’d view my flat as luxurious beyond their wildest dreams. Try reinforce all the positive aspects of you house to yourself - are you happy there, are you safe, does it feel like home when you walk through the door, can you afford to live there? If the answer to most of those is yes then keep telling yourself how well you’ve done to get this place, and how well you’ve done to make it look how you want it. You are doing bloody well and should try to work on putting past feelings around this type of house where it belongs - ie in the past.