To be embarrassed to live in a terraced house?

[Whysosad]

I know IBU and sound snobby. I'm prepared to be flamed for this post but please read entire post!!

This is an insecurity i have never spoken openly about (although touched on it in counseling). So i may not articulate myself well!!

I grew up poor to a single mother with 5 kids. The houses we grew up in were always terraced houses. Not the nice big town houses or the lovely 3 storey victorians. Think more coronation street. The fact they were massively cluttered and cramped didn't help. My mum decided to send me to senior school in a affluent village away from the poor area we lived. All my friends lived in big detached or semi detached houses or new builds. Their houses were always decoated nicely and were so modern with decking in their back gardens and a nice conservatory. Even my friends who werent so well off and didn't have the latest clothes or go on holidays still somehow lived in a nice house. I was the only person i knew who lived in a terrace house surrounded by terraced houses. I knew one or two people in my year that lived in terraced houses in the village but they were cottage terraces so still nice and smart. The people i grew up with were never aware they lived in what i thought to be 'nice houses' as it was just the norm to them i suppose. Everyone lived in a new build, detached, semi or cottage. The housing association flats on the outskirts were new builds and very modern inside.

I know it sounds bad, but i would be embarrassed to have my friends stay over or see where i lived, even as young as 11. I always wondered what they were thinking as they left their lovely clean minimalised semis or new builds and pulled up outside my terraced house on my grim street. I remember when my mum decided to sell her house to move closer to my school i begged her to get a 'new build' or semi. Or if it had to be a terrace, then a terrace where it was only 1 of 5 terrace houses like the little cottage terraces. To make matters worse my friends dad was an estate agent who sold new builds and when he saw my mum was selling asked my mum to come view the houses he was selling. I remmeber being mortified inside knowing we could never live there. Instead due to costs my mum bought another terraced house on the 'grim' outskirts of the village which was considered a deprived area. There were mattresses and sofas outside peoples houses and i was even more embarrassed. I feel awful writing this as i know she did her best so don't blame/resent her in anyway at all. I remember that in my young teenage mind i couldn't understand why everyone else could live in nice houses and we couldn't. I couldn't understand why even my friends whos parents were shop assistants or worked in a factory were able to live in a nice house but my mum who had a good job couldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I was always adamant and fixated that i would live in a new build or semi or detached. Its been a dream for me (weird i know). Due to growing up skint I've always been very good with money and a saver not a spender. I've got a professional job and a good salary. When it came to buying my house despite my longing, my sensible head decided to override my wishes and i decided on a small 2 bed terraced house as i was buying on my own with no kids.
My mortgage is TINY and i don't need anymore room for just ne. It makes such financial sense.

However, despite being an adult and in my twenties with plenty of time to move up the property ladder, I'm still embaressed about where i live. All my work colleagues live in new builds, semis or detached houses. Literally EVERYONE. My friends who rent, rent nice houses. My friends who own, own nice houses. My single friends live in nice modern flats in the city centre. No one else lives in a terraced house like me. I feel the exact same way i did at school.

In my line of work a lot of our clients live in houses just like mine. I think i find it quite difficult because my colleagues, the 'professionals', all have these nice big houses and then our clients who often live in poverty, live in houses the same as mine.
I keep assuming people think I'm scruffy and somehow inferior. Its illogical thinking.
My friends came to view the house with me and all said it perfect/lovely/cosy. But i know for a fact they themselves would never live there!! It felt almost patronising for them to be praising my little terrace on a shit street when they all lived in their nice detached houses with garages and drives. Its so hard to go from having drinks at their houses with their dining rooms and hallways to then my house.

Don't get me wrong, i love my little house. Its perfect. I've decorated it beautifully if i say so myself. I just wish i could pick it up and place it somewhere else. I'm not even materialistic. I have a 20 year old banger car which i love even though i could afford a new one. Im not bothered about designer clothes or any of that stuff. So I'm not bothered about being showy. Its just this weird complex i have about terraced houses.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? If so how do you get over it?

Does anyone else live in a terraced house and really not care?

Also can people be really honest and state what their opinions are on terraced houses and whether or not they would live in one?

Its such a bizzaire complex i have that i want to get over!!

I think you're projecting your feelings from when you were younger onto your friends. You said you liked your house, but you think your friends probably think it's scruffy etc. Probably they don't and they are actually honest when they say it's perfect and cosy. I have friends and family who live in all sorts of different houses and I don't judge or really care. A friend has just bought a 2 bed ex council flat by herself, which needs a bit of work and redecorating, and I couldn't be happier for her!

I, myself, live in a 1970s semi. One of those with the green tiles across the front. It's not especially attractive, but you know what, it saved us £50 - £75k versus buying a "period" style house. It's on a great street, lots of green around, and we've made it nice inside. It is a contrast to my siblings who have larger detached houses, but I think they are just happy for us that we have a house we enjoy, rather than judging us.

I think your last post is the key, isn't it- it's not so much the house itself but that your mum couldn't/didn't keep it nice, and as she was a smoker it smelt. Your house won't be like that.
I've lived in terraces all my adult life - though granted they were large ones that I shared either with several adults or my large family.
I have to say that having moved from a mid terrace to an end terrace I now realise what great insulaters neighbours are- there's a lot to be said, energy wise for a mid terrace.

I live in an end terrace and really struggle with how small it is for me and DD. However, we are on a nice street, good neighbours and I have a garden to potter around in.
I dated a guy who was very trendy and made a few snide comments about terraced houses with small gardens. This was before he knew I lived in a terrace.

It made me feel shit and embarrased. It had never occurred to me that someone would judge a person for living in a terrace! Needless to say he didn't last long and it's his problem with his snobby attitude.

If you love it then that's all that matters.

I live in a Coronation Street style terraced house. 3 beds, but one of them is tiny. I like the house, though it is a bit small, but if we want to live in the location we do, then this is what we get. I don't feel ashamed and I genuinely haven't got any time for the kind of person who would look down on me for it.

Type 'Tiny house' into Youtube. Tiny living is bang on trend at the moment!

OP - I'd recommend taking a look at the Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David D Burns. Because the way you are thinking is a way it is possible to think your way out of, and the FGH is a good common-sense cognitive behaviour guide that helps you look more objectively at troubling thoughts like that and put them in perspective.

I'd give it a go - it's much cheaper than therapy or moving house and it might just make a difference!

This is so funny to me because I grew up in a 'lovely' linked-detached (joined by garages) house but my absolute favourite place was my grans piss-poor Corrie terrace in Manchester. There was such a homeliness about the place that our naice house lacked.

I live in a town with a lot of Regency architecture and some of the terraces are super grand and v expensive so not at all infra dig.

I currently live in a maisonette so I'm clearly a massive failure.

Seriously, who cares? I love my little flat. Living in a detached house didn't make my abusive marriage any easier to bear and this space is calm and clean and peaceful and mine.

Yes I'd like a bigger detached place because I like quiet but anyone who'd judge you on where you live really isn't worth your time or thought.

When my eldest son was a little I was a single parent until I later met and we moved in with my now DH.
I grew up in a very 'nice' area of the Cotswolds and didn't realise how privileged I was until I had to move to quite deprived area as a single parent in order to support my ds.But I managed to save up and buy myself a little terraced house (think ex miners house) for £55 thousand. I couldn't have been happier or prouder to own my very own place. I didn't have much money but I did it up nicely and my lovely Dad fitted a new kitchen and bathroom and laid some lovely tiles on the kitchen floor for me.
It was a million miles away from what I'd grown up in. I am now very lucky to have moved on to a financially more comfortable lifestyle and have a beautiful big 4 bedroom house but I still miss my little terrace and DS 1 thinks and talks about it all the time - it was 'our special place' and he loved it and so did I.
I know where you're coming from OP but honestly try and think of all the positive things about your house and how you've made it a lovely home.
There are downfalls to a big house - it takes a lot of bloody cleaning and maintaining the garden is also very time consuming!

Op sounds like you had snobby friends as a child who judge based on materialistic standards and that you need to question why you let it shape you as a person

Where on earth do you live that first time buyers are all buying detached houses with garages? A two bed terraced house in my area is already around £450k!

Sounds to me it’s not really the fact that you live in a terraced house that’s the problem but you are embarrassed that you don’t live in a ‘posh’ terraced/semi/detached house in an affluent area and the house you live in is like your clients rather than your peers at work and this is giving you an inferiority complex. You are in your twenties and own your own home as a single person! something so many people can only dream about, you really can’t expect to start off homeownership in a large detached home. I am amazed none of your peers or friends live in a terrace the UK is absolutely full of them!

@Ellapaella I loved your post. Your Dad sounds great.

This is part of the reason we have a housing crisis. The rest of the world doesn’t have this ridiculous prejudice against flats and terraces.

My first house was a 2 up 2 down old workman's cottage, mid terrace. I absolutely loved it and my heating was about £4 per month with a little gas fire as the neighbours kept me warm!! I only moved because my husband is very tall and could not stand up straight in the shower/ toilet room.

I would rather live in a terrace house (well built and with character) than in one of the flimsy new builds popping up everywhere.

I live in a six bedroom detached house but have a few b2l terraced and quad houses and I would never rent out a house I would not be happy to live in myself. I could quite happily live in a terraced house. I have good friends who live in terraced houses and my dd bought a terraced house. You are just being a snob. No one else would think to look down on you but you are looking down on yourself. I hope you do not tell this to your dm who did her best for you. A home is what you make it and somewhere you can relax and be cosy. If you can't feel like that in your home then you should save up to move, but you may find new builds are often smaller rooms.

My friend lives in a terraced house. It's worth £75k more than my 1970's semi!! (Both 3 bed two reception)

Thank you for your understanding posts. I know its moronic!

Also - i know London's very different. My sister lives there with her husband. On about 100k between them and live in a rented 1 bedroom flat that is much smaller than my terrace. However all their friends/bosses/associates also live in small apartments or terraces. Its the norm. I think if my friends growing up mostly lived in terraces then i wouldn't think twice about it. But i was the only one.

Quietrebel - your post resonated with me. It's awful being embaressed. None of my friends ever really commented but would say thoughtless remarks (as kids do). I remember once we were on the train as a teen and we went past a big block of terraced houses with people walking around topless and drinking cans of larger on the street. My friend was like 'id hate to live in a place like that' and another friend said 'i know right, so chavy'. I was so upset because i lived in a place just like that. The friends didn't mean it at me at all. I think they probably forgot when saying it that i lived like that.

My my mum did her very best. Thanks to her choice of schools out of area, i got a great education where as if i had gone to the local comp there was a greater chance i wouldn't have had such aspirations to better myself in terms of education and career. So i am very grateful.

I know my post sounds snobby. Which is so ironic as i literally drive the oldest banger, shop primark and aldi and love second hand bargains. Nothing else is showy or flash or bothers me. I'm happy to be seen in my little rusty car so long it gets me a-b ill continue to drive it. Its just the house thing. Sighh!!

I live in an ex council end of terrace on a council estate. Bought under Right To Buy. I've lived there for 29 years, paid off my small mortgage and have no inclination to move. It's convenient for work and walking distance of a small shopping area which includes a chip shop and bakery. I don't care what other people may think. It's mine and I love it.

Love what you have not what you don't have.

So your embarrassed about your mum?
Shame on you op.

I absolutely adore my terrace. I’ve lived in bigger, fancier houses in difficult relationships but I bought this place myself and I am so proud of it.
It’s a homely little fortress I’ve built around my family. We come in, lock the door and we are at peace.
OP, I’d maybe try doing some gratitude type stuff. You need to make your peace,

To be fair to your mum. If I was bringing up 5 children plus various pets single-handed, working full time. And paying a mortgage, I'd be smoking 20 a day, and probably maintaining gin!

I live in an area that is all terraced houses. Tiny little ones. Streets and streets of them. No gardens. Just back yards and back lanes. High crime area. But I chose to live here. If it bothers you that much just move.

The thing is, you don't know what hang-ups your friends had about their families - you've just assumed that they didn't. But I bet they did, maybe it was embarrassment about the way their parents behaved, or whether they did things that weren't the norm. Loads of kids, especially teenagers, feel their parents/family are weird or don't fit the stereotype, and what would their mates be thinking of them?! You're not the only one to have been super sensitive about how others perceive them, most people have these worries.

I think maybe when you next go to your counselling session, you explore this issue in a bit more detail, it might help you.

Fwiw, my first two houses were terraces, one a very modest two bedroom with bathroom downstairs, the second with three bedrooms and bathroom upstairs. Having the bathroom more conveniently placed was a major priority, and I really didn't give a hoot what anybody else thought of my choices. Neither should you; nice people won't care.