To be embarrassed to live in a terraced house?

[Whysosad]

I know IBU and sound snobby. I'm prepared to be flamed for this post but please read entire post!!

This is an insecurity i have never spoken openly about (although touched on it in counseling). So i may not articulate myself well!!

I grew up poor to a single mother with 5 kids. The houses we grew up in were always terraced houses. Not the nice big town houses or the lovely 3 storey victorians. Think more coronation street. The fact they were massively cluttered and cramped didn't help. My mum decided to send me to senior school in a affluent village away from the poor area we lived. All my friends lived in big detached or semi detached houses or new builds. Their houses were always decoated nicely and were so modern with decking in their back gardens and a nice conservatory. Even my friends who werent so well off and didn't have the latest clothes or go on holidays still somehow lived in a nice house. I was the only person i knew who lived in a terrace house surrounded by terraced houses. I knew one or two people in my year that lived in terraced houses in the village but they were cottage terraces so still nice and smart. The people i grew up with were never aware they lived in what i thought to be 'nice houses' as it was just the norm to them i suppose. Everyone lived in a new build, detached, semi or cottage. The housing association flats on the outskirts were new builds and very modern inside.

I know it sounds bad, but i would be embarrassed to have my friends stay over or see where i lived, even as young as 11. I always wondered what they were thinking as they left their lovely clean minimalised semis or new builds and pulled up outside my terraced house on my grim street. I remember when my mum decided to sell her house to move closer to my school i begged her to get a 'new build' or semi. Or if it had to be a terrace, then a terrace where it was only 1 of 5 terrace houses like the little cottage terraces. To make matters worse my friends dad was an estate agent who sold new builds and when he saw my mum was selling asked my mum to come view the houses he was selling. I remmeber being mortified inside knowing we could never live there. Instead due to costs my mum bought another terraced house on the 'grim' outskirts of the village which was considered a deprived area. There were mattresses and sofas outside peoples houses and i was even more embarrassed. I feel awful writing this as i know she did her best so don't blame/resent her in anyway at all. I remember that in my young teenage mind i couldn't understand why everyone else could live in nice houses and we couldn't. I couldn't understand why even my friends whos parents were shop assistants or worked in a factory were able to live in a nice house but my mum who had a good job couldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I was always adamant and fixated that i would live in a new build or semi or detached. Its been a dream for me (weird i know). Due to growing up skint I've always been very good with money and a saver not a spender. I've got a professional job and a good salary. When it came to buying my house despite my longing, my sensible head decided to override my wishes and i decided on a small 2 bed terraced house as i was buying on my own with no kids.
My mortgage is TINY and i don't need anymore room for just ne. It makes such financial sense.

However, despite being an adult and in my twenties with plenty of time to move up the property ladder, I'm still embaressed about where i live. All my work colleagues live in new builds, semis or detached houses. Literally EVERYONE. My friends who rent, rent nice houses. My friends who own, own nice houses. My single friends live in nice modern flats in the city centre. No one else lives in a terraced house like me. I feel the exact same way i did at school.

In my line of work a lot of our clients live in houses just like mine. I think i find it quite difficult because my colleagues, the 'professionals', all have these nice big houses and then our clients who often live in poverty, live in houses the same as mine.
I keep assuming people think I'm scruffy and somehow inferior. Its illogical thinking.
My friends came to view the house with me and all said it perfect/lovely/cosy. But i know for a fact they themselves would never live there!! It felt almost patronising for them to be praising my little terrace on a shit street when they all lived in their nice detached houses with garages and drives. Its so hard to go from having drinks at their houses with their dining rooms and hallways to then my house.

Don't get me wrong, i love my little house. Its perfect. I've decorated it beautifully if i say so myself. I just wish i could pick it up and place it somewhere else. I'm not even materialistic. I have a 20 year old banger car which i love even though i could afford a new one. Im not bothered about designer clothes or any of that stuff. So I'm not bothered about being showy. Its just this weird complex i have about terraced houses.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? If so how do you get over it?

Does anyone else live in a terraced house and really not care?

Also can people be really honest and state what their opinions are on terraced houses and whether or not they would live in one?

Its such a bizzaire complex i have that i want to get over!!

I grew up in detached houses but when my marriage ended and I wanted to buy my own place I could only afford a little 2 bed terraced. I love it! It's cute, cosy, I have it decorated really nicely, and it's all mine! (well DP lives with me but when I bought it it was just me). I have a good job and like you my colleagues have big houses and my clients probably live in houses closer to my size, but I don't see that as relevant to anything - we all need somewhere and it's honestly not a competition unless you work for the DM. My sibling has a half million detached house which is lovely of course but tbh I'd rather have the smaller mortgage, plus mine is in walking distance from everything and theirs is more suburban so everything means a trip in the car. I don't have any kids so why pay for empty rooms?

I know it's easy for us to say, but honestly the problem isn't with your house, it's just your perception of what certain types of houses represent. Explore this further in counselling if you can. You've done really well to have your own place, you deserve to enjoy it.

Op, strikes me that you have done very well to buy a house and decorate it beautifully well within your means in your 20's. I'm a practical sort so my questions would be:

• you say the mortgage is tiny: how much is it and how quickly can you pay it off?
• if you can pay it off quickly and retain the house as a rental property, then brilliant - extra income and secure pension
• then start planning for a home that doesn't leave you feeling quite so ambivalent. They say you should buy the worst house on the best street you can afford, so why not make that your strategy? If you find yourself in another terrace, well, hug yourself close at how clever you've been.

I would have felt so proud of myself if I"d managed my own house, or even flat, at such a young age. Unfortunately, I was mucking around in a series of rather pointless relationships and didn't get myself together until later. Do feel proud of yourself.

If you can afford to move then do so and stop all the drama.

I live in a first floor flat with two children. Id love to live in a house but this is the mortgage i can afford at the moment. Just get on with it.

I live in a terrace. It bothers my family more than it does me. I grew up in new builds. We live in an ever growing new town but there is the older part that’s been there since the mines were open and that’s where I live. When I bought it was either a new build 2 bed flat or this 3 bed terrace. No children and totally on budget. Compared to other places I’d say I would easily live almost anywhere in my town and did look at the council estate that’s mostly been privately bought up when we were looking. We ended up in the terrace. What irritates me is that it really needs money spending that I don’t have. A rewrire and full decoration. I’ve put in a new bathroom and new kitchen. I’ve had kids. The house is now crammed. We have 1 bathroom, no garden and no garage. Parking is a nightmare. The houses aren’t gradually being bought up by landlords so the area seems to be filling up with renters, and not affluent ones either. Mostly those having their housing paid by or contributed to by the council but want a bigger house than they’re entitled to or can’t get on the council list at all. So it’s a very mixed street. My kids don’t have any others to play with really. Anyway. That aside I don’t mind it and know that realistically I can’t afford to move any time soon. My family keep trying to pressure me to sell up and move to the new builds. It’s not going to happen. My mortgage is affordable and moving isn’t.

With this all in mind I always wanted a new build. I do dream of a second bathroom, or even just en extra loo. My children do make comments about the house and that they’d like a bigger nicer house like the rest of the family. We don’t have people round much - I’m just not the entertaining type. I’m not ashamed when people do come round. I get lovely comments about my house from friends.
The houses I grew up with having a negative view of were those covered in pebble dashing!! I then lived in another city about 20 years ago and did have a small 2 bed new build when I was single but then when I got married and bought together we ended up in the 1930s pebble dashed house. That was basically the only house you could get though, apart from the huge expensive Victorian terraced houses. Again, my family often turned their nose up but they were from a totally different part of the country where housing was very different.
What I do keep telling my family is that my kids have a roof over their head, a safe house and a warm house. We aren’t rich but we get by, sometimes with help from family but I never ask. I’ve watched rich house poor house recently and cringed as I would probably be in the bottom 10% looking at their budgets but don’t really myself like that or see see it as a struggle. I try not to dwell on it too much.

OMG I have been on MN for a very long time and this has to be up there with the most entitled, snobby not to mention self absorbed post I have read. Be thankful for what you have STOP being ungrateful and behaving like a spoilt brat. LOTS of people don't even get to own a house...ever!!!
I grew up in a large, poor family ...so what. As a PP said why the hell did you buy a terrace if it makes you so unhappy? Grow up!

If it’s lovely and you have a tiny mortgage, why don’t you sell it and move? Then you could do say a semi up beautiflully...

A terraced house should be warmed than a detached one.

There are plenty of people who have huge, beautiful homes and may be unhappy and would swap your life - there are many people who have absolutely nothing through no fault of their own - you should be so proud of your mum (which I'm sure you are) and proud of yourself ... be grateful and be happy because there are so many people so much worse off than you

Your post is far too long and quite frankly your snobbery is misplaced. Enjoy what you have and maybe take a walk along the high street at night or sea front to witness homeless people out in all weather's who would consider a terrace house an absolute Palace!! Maybe volunteering with Crisis and victims of DV in refuge who have lost so much.
Grow up.

I am 50 and moved into my terrace last year - after splitting up with an ex. I'd never lived in a terrace before and I like it, it's warmer!

And the best bit is that I was able to buy with no mortgage. I had a flat in my 20's, then a three bed semi in my thirties, met ex and we had a five bed detached, three storey, three bathroom, double garage thing. I never liked it much.

It was paying down my mortgage all the time over the years that meant I then had enough to buy. And my terrace is about the same size my three bed semi was.

I'm just happy to be in my own home. On balance, yes, YABU.

I'd stay in a garage if it was mine (and I didn't have kids to consider). Renting is awful.

I'm surprised by the number of people calling the op names. This is the reality of Britain's levels of inequality, of course it will result in insecurity and resentments. "Grow up".

An end terrace is a semi..

Why do people think that’s it’s snobbery or entitled behaviour blah blah blah to have aspirations beyond what you grew up with? You can still be grateful for the roof over your head and understand your privilege, help others and want to achieve more in your own life.

I can't believe that some people think that this kind of entitled shit is ok. There are more families than ever in poverty that struggle to even have a roof over their head let alone warmth or enough food. Sometimes I despair at the ignorance and arrogance of some on MN. Aspiration is one thing, not actually appreciating what you DO have is a whole different thing.

Have you read all of her posts?

Yes have read the whole thread thanks....terraced bought with head rather than heart....jealous of friends and colleagues because they have (perceived) better houses etc etc ....considering in 20s , owns a house, has prospects to get bigger better house in future , why the hell is there whining and moaning know. As I said appreciate what you DO have

I think you OP are probably viewing the "terrace" thing as much more of a social stigma in your mind (?!) than many or indeed most other people perceive it.
Larger houses are actually a lot of hassle and cost. I have a big house. If we go away, I have to pay people to stop over, it has a stream of people to look after it. I don't want to do it forever, it's a pain in the arse. Terrace houses can be locked up and left while you go away on wonderful exotic holidays - simples! A home isn't the size and value of the bricks and mortar - it's the happiness enjoyed inside.

I think you're getting a really hard time on here OP. Sometimes I feel like everyone on Mumsnet lives on a completely different planet. Does nobody here ever get jealous of others? Feel envy? Shame? We all have our insecurities. This is the OPs. It might seem insignificant to you, but it's not to her.

I have the same insecurity OP. We own a tiny 3 bed terrace with one reception room whilst all (and I mean ALL) of our friends live in spacious detached houses with driveways and garages. It didn't particularly bother me pre-children, but now we have a young family it really upsets me. We will never be able to host dinner parties, sleepovers, or birthday parties. It makes me a bit sad for my DDs.

Try to focus on the positives. You've done so well to buy your own home on your own, and it sounds like you've decorated it beautifully.

So your mum presumably had her reasons to send you to a school in a "better" area. But it sounds like she's only managed to create a discontent in you about where youve come from. Perhaps you'd have been better off going to your local school? Do you think so? Or do you think your mum was just trying to do her best with what resources she had, and wasn't keeping you in a cluttered terrace house just to embarrass you?

Your past and present really isn't anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

And yet Voddie you’ve cherry picked your information for your own bias.

“But i do agree with everyone that i am indeed being ridiculous.

I also agree with the inferiority complex. It is something i am addressing through counseling which is why i think im speaking on a public forum about this for the first time. I know its illogical and stupid and i don't want to feel this way. “

Ok and I am agreeing with the OP....and??

What bias ....the fact that many many people are not nor ever will be in the position that the OP is in and that I feel that she should appreciate what she has more than she does. Is that wrong?

I think someone else mentioned earlier that the op might be feeling inadequate generally from their childhood being the real issue. The Op mentioned they’ve had counselling and opened up only on this post except for counselling, which must a hard thing to do -so I feel we should respect the post of the OP as this is obviously an issue that has troubled them all their life. I can relate to OP in some ways. I grew up feeling inadequate due to parents being relatively poor. We actually lived in quite a big house that they owned but I think they over stretched themselves as we didn’t have much money for anything else and I think my issue is more about clothes, as we didn’t have much at all. So, DH and I earn good money now and have a nice life but inside I sometimes feel that inadequate feeling I did as a child. I buy myself clothes but don’t spend a lot on me, more on the kids really - I think it’s because I am conditioned from childhood not to. And Yes there are lots of people worse of than me and the OP, of course there are, but all of our problems and feelings are important. And whilst I completely feel sorry for and support people in poverty or homeless, other issues in life cannot be written off as being selfish and “entitled” (hate that word it’s used so much on here) just because people have homes, jobs etc. Everyone’s problems are important and relative. There is a massive mental health problem in this country and many people have “normal” lives but suffer. So Op, I completely understand why you feel like you do and why you bought the terraced house. Maybe you feel a sense of disloyalty to your mum buying something bigger and better. But good parents want their children to have better lives and bigger houses than them. So if this is what is stopping you from having what you want then don’t let it. I’m sure your mum will be very proud of you getting a bigger house. I want only the best for my kids, I want them to do much better than me in life. Don’t feel guilty for wanting more. That’s a natural desire that keeps us going throughout life. If you can afford it, go for it OP.

Oh that’s what you’re doing is it.