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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to rush to say 'hello' to DH?

151 replies

SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 17:53

Context: 3 floor house. I have a study/workroom in the attic where I spend a lot of my time for house admin on computer/ sewing machine/ studying (I am doing some distance learning courses).

When DH comes in from work (as he has just done...) he gets huffy if I don't go downstairs to say 'hello' almost immediately Hmm

I always shout down 'hello' and usually will wander down when I've finished whatever I was busy with - never usually more than about 10-15 mins - and will pour a glass of wine or something.

He says it makes him feel 'unwelcome' and also complains if the lights haven't been put on/ the house is dark downstairs.

?? Surely this is a bit controlling ?? A bit 50s Stepford Wifey ??

OP posts:
JanetLovesJason · 08/11/2018 05:23

I think you’re both being a bit U tbh.

He’s unreasonable to complain about it as if it’s a “duty” that you should perform.

And you’re a bit U because it is a bit miserable to come home to a dark silent house and no greeting. But it’s a just a sociable human kindness thing, not a wifely duty.

I’d be a little bit worried about what it said about the state of the underlying relationship with anyone I lived with if I didn’t get/give a quick hello when I or someone else came back around 7 or 8 times out of 10.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/11/2018 05:29

I do think it's odd to expect you to jump up to greet him. Surely the home comet comes to find the home stayer.

I have to say I do hate coming home to a dark house. It happened to me yesterday. DP sitting at back of house, googling shit to buy working, DDs upstairs, no light on at the front of the house so it looked empty and dark and I couldn't see to put my key in the door. It made me grumpy. But then I was really grumpy yesterday anyway so maybe I'm to be ignored!

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 08/11/2018 06:25

Honestly, he sounds like a bit of a wanker. I'm at no one's beck and call. If he wants greeting at the door I recommend a dog. They get incredibly over excited to see you walk through the door which is what it seems he's looking for. As for the lights, tell him to get some smart bulbs. We have LifX and my DP sometimes messes with them from work over the app just for a laugh at my confusion when I think the lights are broken (only fell for that once I have to add).

gilmoregal · 08/11/2018 08:38

It makes him him feel unwelcome? Is he a guest?

PipGoesPop · 08/11/2018 08:55

I think the person who comes into the house should always shout hello first and/or do the finding of person already in the house.

I have no idea why I think this!

PipGoesPop · 08/11/2018 09:05

This thread has really made me laugh. Please do try out a different OTT greeting every evening and report back.

I love the Wagner suggestion 😁 Might I suggest a barber shop quartet one evening?

MulticolourMophead · 08/11/2018 09:12

If the OP wasn't being greeted on returning home as the major breadwinner previously, then her DH is being a wazzock expecting this now. It would make me think he sees himself as the most important person in the relationship.

He's not coming home to a dark house, OP says outdoor and hall lights are on a timer. She also shouts a greeting down, and it's not everyday. OP YANBU

LasMeninas · 08/11/2018 09:22

I think the person who comes into the house should always shout hello first and/or do the finding of person already in the house

I agree. It just seems more normal!

LasMeninas · 08/11/2018 09:23

It's because the person already in the house is probably in the middle of doing something. But the person coming home obviously is not.

Threewheeler1 · 08/11/2018 09:50

YANBU!
Buy him a big flashing head torch so he has light wherever he goes.
Visit the doctors about his lack of knees and if his legs still wont bend after having knees fitted, move to a bungalow.
Then he can stand outside and make 'sad face' at you through a ground floor window as you work Grin

Can't believe some of the comments! If I hovered around waiting for OH to come in, he'd get mightily annoyed, and vice versa.
When I get in I just want to have a pee, remove coat and shoes, dump bag and put the kettle on in that order. Then I'll go and check who's around. I don't expect everyone to be hovering in anticipation (I don't find myself that exciting so I wouldn't expect anyone else to), seeing as we were together only half a day earlier.
Some people seem to require a bit of a fanfare and drama when they get home.
And as for the assumption you aren't doing anything important...pffft! If my boys are mid-homework, there's no way I'd have a hissy fit if they didn't drop it and come down to say hello, nor would OH. Don't see why your studies are any less important!
Good luck with the courses BTW. I'm researching doing something myself at the moment for a career change and am just starting to appreciate the time and discipline needed, so hats off to you Smile

ICantLikeDirtyTuna · 08/11/2018 09:53

It really doesn’t matter what you are doing. if he comes home and wants a greeting then he can go up the stairs and get one! It’s not hard. He needs to stop being so precious about it.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 08/11/2018 10:24

Get this for the front door?

Then there's always someone there to greet him.

To not want to have to rush to say 'hello' to DH?
MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 08/11/2018 10:29

But to be honest OP, and all the other posters in agreement..Jack Jones did WARN us about this kind of slovenly behaviour in regards to wife duties...

Threewheeler1 · 08/11/2018 10:36

MickHucknallspinkpancakes
Grin

hellhavenofury · 08/11/2018 10:54

Men are as capable as we are, I have never understood why people think us women should pamper to their every need/want. If you are busy finishing up some work, if he is that bothered he would come up to you. I really disagree with things always being on ones terms!!

Butteredghost · 08/11/2018 11:43

Maybe OP has a fireman's pole instead of stairs, which explains why DP can't climb up.

Not trying to sound thick but I never knew this was a thing until I read this thread. Me and DP don't even look up from what we are doing when the other comes home, let alone run to greet, if he is lucky I may call out "hello".

But really "had to switch light on for myself in my own house" is the epitome of first world problems. What's next? Wiping his own bum?

Ohyesiam · 08/11/2018 11:49

And I sort all household bills, school admin and my own studying around my full time job so I'm not sure DH would consider any of that 'work', nor would I!
It’s semantics really, if you left the bills unpaid it would matter, so it’s obviously important, and it’s not generally done for pleasure, so work seems like an adequate way to describe it.

I’d get a lamp on a timer, and ask him If he could come up to you if he needs a smile, not just a hello.

MidnightAura · 08/11/2018 11:52

It seems quite trivial to main about putting on lights.

I don’t necessarily rush to greet my DH when he gets home. I will put the porch light on. The light in the living room will be on anyway. If I’m upstairs he calls up to me and I’ll call back that I’ll be down in minute if I will be. If I’m in the bath he comes to me.

But to be fair, we have dogs they give DH a better welcome than I ever could.

MidnightAura · 08/11/2018 11:52

Moan about putting on lights I mean.

tombstoneteeth · 08/11/2018 20:36

When I get home from the week working away, DH is waiting on the veranda, a cup of tea in one hand, glass of wine in the other, big smile and hugs.. There is always something delicious ready on the stove, clean sheets on the bed. I would do the same if he worked away. It's nothing to do with spousal duty - it's a natural outcome of the love and esteem in which each holds the other.

sollyfromsurrey · 09/11/2018 07:51

I may have missed something but am I right in thinking that You are fortunate enough not to have to go out to work to earn to keep your family afloat. Can you not structure your day so the bills and sewing and studying (that you presumably do for your own enjoyment and therefore is a hobby like the sewing) are completed during the day? How much sewing and admin do you have that it can't be done whilst the kids are at school? Your husband finishes work then comes home. Can you not finish 'work' by 6:00pm?

RhiWrites · 09/11/2018 08:03

I work from home in a home office on the second floor.

When my partner comes home, if I’m not downstairs, he’ll find his way up to me to say “I’m home” and then we kiss. Then I either come down or finish what I’m doing.

This thread is very Stepfordy with its insulting “bits and pieces” comment to OP and assumptions about how hard her DH must work.

Also having the whole house blazing with light is wasteful and if my partner came home to find it like that we’d have another conversation about turning off lights. (I grew up like that and I’m training myself out of it.)

dementedpixie · 09/11/2018 08:05

Dh is lucky if I shout hello from the couch! I certainly don't scurry down from upstairs if I'm in the middle of something. He seems to survive it

RhiWrites · 09/11/2018 08:09

DH is waiting on the veranda, a cup of tea in one hand, glass of wine in the other,

Ha ha! Which do you drink first?

MoaningSickness · 09/11/2018 09:56

I think the person who comes into the house should always shout hello first and/or do the finding of person already in the house.

I have no idea why I think this!

Thats because this is how normal people behave (not the loons on this thread).

How would this work for large households? Or if you both come an go multiple times in an evening? If everyone in the house had to drop what they were doing and run to the door everytime someone who live there comes in, nobody would ever get anything done.

Only dogs and desperately needy people act like this.