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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to rush to say 'hello' to DH?

151 replies

SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 17:53

Context: 3 floor house. I have a study/workroom in the attic where I spend a lot of my time for house admin on computer/ sewing machine/ studying (I am doing some distance learning courses).

When DH comes in from work (as he has just done...) he gets huffy if I don't go downstairs to say 'hello' almost immediately Hmm

I always shout down 'hello' and usually will wander down when I've finished whatever I was busy with - never usually more than about 10-15 mins - and will pour a glass of wine or something.

He says it makes him feel 'unwelcome' and also complains if the lights haven't been put on/ the house is dark downstairs.

?? Surely this is a bit controlling ?? A bit 50s Stepford Wifey ??

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 07/11/2018 18:28

To be honest it was the same when I had housemates not DH, someone would shout out they were home you'd go and say hi, someone would put the kettle on catch up on the day 🤷

Darbs76 · 07/11/2018 18:28

I don’t see why you should have to go downstairs and put a light on just because he’s due home soon. Equally I think a shouted hello is fine if you’re only going to be another -10-15mins. I wouldn’t do this for a man or my kids, I’d expect them to switch a light on themselves and I’ll be down when I’m ready.

Isleepinahedgefund · 07/11/2018 18:28

YABU. You should be waiting by the door for him, your eyes all lit up, your tongue hanging out of your mouth while you pant with excitement, your tail beating against the wall...... oh, wait......

It is a shame you’ve got one way stairs though.

PositivelyPERF · 07/11/2018 18:30

Tell him that you feel hurt that he doesn’t go straight to the kitchen to get you a drink and bring it upstairs to you. After all you’re trying to finish up some work and already finished. It’s extremely selfish of him not to make the effort to climb the stairs.

See? It works both ways.

Regarding the lights. Get a plug in timer and a wall/table light and plug it in, then he won’t trip in the dark, on his way to the kitchen to get you a drink. 😁

PositivelyPERF · 07/11/2018 18:31

Isleepinahedgefund 🤣

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/11/2018 18:31

Pathetic. A shouted hello followed by face to face 15 minutes late is completely fine.

Original poster
SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 18:31

Outside and hall lights are already on timer. He likes the whole house 'blazing' which I think is a waste of energy Hmm.

Thinking about it, I don't think he would come and say hello to me. He doesn't do anything like make me a cup of tea if I've been out all day Hmm. If I come back from food shopping I ring the doorbell to get people to come and help (DH/ teen sons) as they wouldn't automatically come (although most food is delivered tbh).

Perhaps I am just following HIS cues?

OP posts:
Hogtini · 07/11/2018 18:31

I do get up to greet DP/put my phone/tablet down/pause tv when he's home but I never feel that's through being controlled? Literally takes 1 minute. To be honest you do sound annoyed by him. Are you happy he's home? The huffing isn't on though.
How many hours a day are you on the computer? If it's from 7am, for example, and you know an approx time he's arriving home then ot wouldn't hurt for that to coincide with a screen break?

PositivelyPERF · 07/11/2018 18:32

‘finish up some work and he’s already finished

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/11/2018 18:32

Question is, do you mind coming home to a dark house if your husband were at home? Would you want him to come and say hello or would you not mind if he 'finished whatever he was doing'?

If you can say honestly that you're ok with all that then crack on. Your husband's not ok with it but, your marriage, nobody else's. Do what you like.

DaysOfCurlySpencer · 07/11/2018 18:33

We have lamps on timers downstairs so not only does it look as if we are in when we are out, it also means we don't come home in the dark.

I do switch on the outside light though, easier to see to park and unlock the door, but sometimes I forget and nothing is ever said.

Original poster
SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 18:34

I think the fact I'm up on the third floor is important - it's not just a quick jaunt down one flight....

OP posts:
rosamacrose · 07/11/2018 18:34

My exh used to ring the doorbell and make no effort to search for keys.
If we (me or the kids) were tardy with the opening, he would shout.
Exh. More than one reason.
Actually, with hindsight, that twattery really makes me laugh. Idiot. GrinGrinGrin
Don't be ground down sad

Pereie · 07/11/2018 18:35

Ha! I could have written this. But mines doesn't get huffy. He rings the door bell and expects me to come let him in even though he has keys and knows I'm 2 flights up 

Lunde · 07/11/2018 18:37

YANBU I used to work at home and my DH was always capable of coming upstairs to say hello to me. He also managed to flip the light switches if he wanted more lighting.

PositivelyPERF · 07/11/2018 18:38

Ha! I could have written this. But mines doesn't get huffy. He rings the door bell and expects me to come let him in even though he has keys and knows I'm 2 flights up

WTF? I hope you tell to get stuffed. Nicely of course. 😁

Original poster
SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 18:38

He rings the door bell and expects me to come let him in even though he has keys and knows I'm 2 flights up

Ah yes, I'm busy dealing with this problem in my 16 year old... (I find 'being on the phone' for a few minutes longer helps...)

OP posts:
rosamacrose · 07/11/2018 18:38

sad so sorry! X post! You are perfectly in order to ring the doorbell for help with shopping!
Mine didn't have shopping, just a very, very important briefcase. Apparently.

GrabbyMcGrabby · 07/11/2018 18:39

The bit you have to guess is that he expects you to kiss his arse too once you've tripped gaily down the stairs, fresh cup of tea ready, and take his coat, and ask him all about his day.

TurkeyBear · 07/11/2018 18:41

@leccybill why isnt your husband doing half of that too?

larrygrylls · 07/11/2018 18:43

Definitely more detail required but if you are doing ‘school admin’ (what do you actually mean by that?) or ‘paying household bills’, what do you do the rest of the day? Is the studying of any use to the family or just for pleasure?

If you effectively have far more free time than your husband, then I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to expect you to come down (you are making out that it is scaling the Eiger, not walking down stairs), greet him and offer him a drink/tea.

If I have misunderstood the dynamic and you actually have the same level of commitments as your husband, he would be unreasonable to expect it.

formerbabe · 07/11/2018 18:43

Mr formerbabe is the opposite to this..if I greet him straight away he says he feels ambushed Grin. He prefers a few minutes to take off his coat and shoes in peace!

mrsmuddlepies · 07/11/2018 18:43

Are you out at work during the day or do you work from home? if you are working in a professional capacity then it is unreasonable. If you are a SAHM with teenage children and you have your own study for hobbies, it seems a bit unfair that you don't greet your partner, children in person.

cheesefield · 07/11/2018 18:44

I'm gobsmacked by this.

SeaViewBliss · 07/11/2018 18:44

We live in a small house and I am often working from hone when DH gets in. If I’m in the ‘office’ upstairs, we shout a quick hello but I don’t drop everything to go and greet him. Like the OP it’s not more than 10 minutes or so. Sometimes he pops up and sees me, sometimes he sticks the kettle on and waits for me.