To not want to have to rush to say 'hello' to DH?

[SadAboutTheBoy]

Context: 3 floor house. I have a study/workroom in the attic where I spend a lot of my time for house admin on computer/ sewing machine/ studying (I am doing some distance learning courses).

When DH comes in from work (as he has just done...) he gets huffy if I don't go downstairs to say 'hello' almost immediately

I always shout down 'hello' and usually will wander down when I've finished whatever I was busy with - never usually more than about 10-15 mins - and will pour a glass of wine or something.

He says it makes him feel 'unwelcome' and also complains if the lights haven't been put on/ the house is dark downstairs.

?? Surely this is a bit controlling ?? A bit 50s Stepford Wifey ??

Sad,

I can see a lot of talk about Stepford Wives and Hunter gatherers. However, who is doing the heavy lifting in your marriage? Your husband probably has a commitment of 40 hours a week of work and maybe 5-10 hours commuting. What is your commitment, genuinely, if you are honest with yourself? 10-15 hours?

And, does your husband have the time to study interesting courses? Would he like to?

The thing is that you have chosen a ‘traditional’ division of labour/responsibilities whilst wanting to cherry pick the nice bits. If you want a husband who hunts and gathers all the money to keep you comfortably while you enjoy a very relaxed lifestyle with lots of autonomy over your time, maybe you should greet him like a hunter gatherer?!

There are, after all, other choices. You go back to work and he stays at home, manages the finances and greets you as the returning hunter gatherer. Would you prefer that? Or maybe be truly modern and both work part time?

If the current set up worked for both of you, then clearly there would not be a problem. But he is clearly resentful. Maybe you need a real conversation about why he feels strongly about being greeted.

In our house, the person who comes home finds the other one to say hello. I might get the hump if DH just came in and sat down in the sitting room if I was in the kitchen with the kids.

OP, it could actually be that he has some childhoood trauma involving dark, empty houses - or something like that? Or fear of abandonment?

I can sympathise because my DH is similar and he also expects the kids to greet him as well! To be honest, he gets short shift from DS (15), but he does expect hello and hugs etc from the girls who are younger. I do find it all slightly draining as I never know when he’s coming in really.

He travels a fair bit which I think is one reason he wants more attention when he’s at home. I went out one evening this week for two hours (I don’t generally go out mid-week because of the kids, homework, DH travel, too tired, etc). He’s just said to me, “I feel like I’ve hardly seen you this week, shall we go for dinner Saturday?” Two hours I was gone! As opposed to him being away 4 nights the previous week with work / ridiculous hobby.

larrygrylls

You're making a LOT of assumption there, Larry. Here, let me disabuse you of some of them (are you a man, by any chance?)

• DH works 9 - 5.30 typically in his own business 1.5 miles away, so nope, no big commute, perhaps 5-10 MINUTES.
• If he's coming home late then it's mostly because he's been out with friends for a beer or been to the gym.
• For a good few years when he set up his business and wasn't making any money I was the major breadwinner AND managing all the household stuff.
• The property and investments I manage provide part of the family income
• I work part-time for DH's business (from home)
• the course I'm doing is so I can move into a different career field in the medium term

So please bog off with your suggested 'time commitment of 10- 15 hours' comments.

P.S. Since when did cleaning and washing skanky pants become the 'nice bits' either ??

Oh just go and say hello to him if it makes him happy. My DH sometimes comes out to the car to greet me and help me in with bags etc. he used to carry the dog out to say hello which made me laugh. It's a nice way of reconnecting when you haven't seen each other all day. He's not asking the world really is he?

Urgh i hate the assumptions made about SAHM. Some people are arses

So the lesson here is if you are ‘working working’ of course you don’t need to immediately leave what you are doing as what you’re doing matters. But if you’re ‘sahm working’ then please immediately greet your man . Because we think all women are equal. (Except the ones who do stuff during the day that we do after work- how dare they!)

Jesus Christ - what a baby.

Buy a copy of Richard Wagners - Ride Of The Valkyries, and put it on load repeat around the time he gets home.
Falling that use the Return of the Jedi soundtrack.

Make a banner that says Welcome Home..the light switch can be found by the front door , wife located in office on third floor and leave the miserable bugger to it.

No way would my DH get away with that shit.

loud not load

@SadAboutTheBoy love your reply to the sexist assumptions on here! (And to think this is other women writing some of the comments ?!! )

Of course YANBU as it's not something you want to do 100% of the time and you have good reason so your DH shouldn't demand it!

Greet your DH at the door when you want to OP!! (For some MNers that is 100% of the time, others might prefer a more spontaneous property in of greeting shared out!) As equally he can climb the stairs to greet you at the door of your office whilst you are still working (unlike him), when he wants to!!

Be it that person at home is midst being busy with DC as SAHM (if you were sahp) or busy at your work and study!! You both get your time in the sunshine as returning hero's from your busy day, as that's an equal partnership!

Buy a copy of Richard Wagners - Ride Of The Valkyries, and put it on load repeat around the time he gets home. Falling that use the Return of the Jedi soundtrack.

If he's so bothered by the lack of bright lights, get a motion controlled light that switches on as soon as he walks in the door, IKEA do fairly cheap ones. And get an intercom of some sort so you can greet him without having to run down all those stairs!

This post made me laugh. I used to rush to speak to DH when he got in from work and ask about his day etc. He used to almlst shut me down and go off upstairs. We used to argue as I assumed he would want to catch up too. But now by mutual agreement I shout hello and give him 10 mins or so to get changed read his mail and get his head together and then I get his attention. Works for us both.

Hi OP, I also live in a 3 floor home and usually won’t skip down the stairs as soon as DP walks through the door. We have no children and have been together 3.5 years. No offence taken by him ever, he’ll pout playfully and if he ever bring it up more seriously I’ll tell him to throw his toys out the park at mummy’s house.

Pram* damnnit!

Look, the only people who your arrangement has to work for are you and your husband. Many people might find it’s not a big deal to do something that makes their partner happy, even if it seems irrational to them, in exchange for the nice things that their partner does for them. No one here knows the balance of your relationship and how this minor thing fits into the bigger picture.

I do have to agree with the other posters though who raise an eyebrow at you playing up all the admin work you do. For most of us, that’s just life. It’s nothing I don’t fit around my f/t job and f/t study (and f/t pregnancy exhaustion ha), and it’s completely manageable. If you’re both happy with an arrangement that leaves you with a lot of autonomy and free time, great! Own that; there’s no need to dress it up as anything else.

If I'm home first, sometimes I will greet DH at the door when he comes home, pretending to be all excited and rush around getting him a drink etc, but it's a lighthearted joke.

Generally we just yell out hi to each other and get on with it.

I can't be at home and not make SOME effort to make it welcoming for those yet to return. That includes our DC...not only DH.

I always put a lamp or two on. Always have something ready to eat and always come to meet whoever arrives.

Why wouldn't you? They're your family and you're meant to be pleased to see them!

Putting it the other way, I don't think I'd feel terribly wanted if I came home and my partner didn't acknowledge me. But I'd probably hunt them down like an annoying labrador to announce my presence lol.

You're not Mary from Gogglebox are you?

Just Facetime him when he gets home.

"Hi it's me Good day? Great, bring up a bottle of wine and tell me all about it. Byeeeeee"

I don't care much about the greeting but l hate coming home to a dark house. Now the clocks have changed its a bit of a downer to be home to darkness. So l think its fair enough to ask for lights to be on. Just put them on when it gets dark or have a timer. It presents more of a welcoming homely feeling.
I always tried to do that for teens coming too.
Maybe its the kind of home he was raised in.

then I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to expect you to come down

LOL!!

He's being a big baby

DH is greeted by the dog - the dog demands he comes to the fridge to find him some ham or cheese - before he takes his coat off!! Makes me laugh.

Get a dog.

I’m a bit aghast at what I’m reading.

When my DH retired before me I’ll admit it was nice to come into a warm, lit house but I certainly didn’t expect him to come scampering into the hall to welcome me home.

Even Ann Bryce didn’t do this when Martin got home from his executive job at Mole Valley Valves. (Hilda might have).

We always greet each other. If I am upstairs when hubby arrives home, I go down, why wouldn't I?. If I am downstairs I don't go to the door, anyway he will be being greeted by two dogs first, he comes to greet me in the lounge. If I am in the home office working, which is in a separate building in the garden, he comes to me.

I know what time he will be home because he tells me when he arrives at the station and he then has fifteen minute drive. So I would start to finish off what I am doing then.

So OP, I think you could make a bit more effort, but perhaps he could too.

I don't think it's anything you do with being a stepford wife, it's just nice to be greeted when you get home. And if things were the reverse, I'd say your husband should greet you.

It's no wonder your kids don't come to help you after you've done the shopping... they've obviously learnt from both parents that those things aren't important. I can't imagine staying put if my parents/ husband/ housemate got home or had done shopping but I grew up taught those things are important.

I don't think yabu as it depends on how much effort you both want put in to the little things. If it's not important to you then fine, but it sounds like it's important to DH so worth discussing with him for your relationship's sake.